


Studio Around the Corner

by thesumofus



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Dialogue-Only, M/M, Text Relationship, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-03-14 12:58:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3411482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesumofus/pseuds/thesumofus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When James accidentally texts a wrong number he has no idea of the friendship it will form or the amount of dependency he could give a man across a cellular network. Yet, little does James know that his special friend Jez doubles as his worst idea of a person, Jeremy Clarkson. </p><p>When James is hired as Top Gear's new researcher it's left to Jeremy to maintain a friendship over his phone and mend a relationship in his office.</p><p>Set in 2002. Disclaimer - This is a work of fiction.<br/>Inspired loosely by the movie 'You've Got Mail' and the fic 'A Finger Slip' by Pawtal</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Friday February 22nd 

James  _Jeremy_

 

(5:33 PM)

I've done it. I've bought the T2. Celebratory drinks at mine?

 

(5:45 PM)

_Not too sure celebratory drinks are in order_

 

(5:48 PM)

What? Sim? You were pro Bentley yesterday. Chose a pretty good moment to change ya tune mate

 

(5:57 PM)

_My names not Sim nor have I ever been "pro Bentley"_

 

(5:58 PM)

Oh sorry must be a wrong number

 

(6:07 PM)

_It's ok. I would expect Bentley owners to not be fully functional_

 

(6:11 PM)

Excuse me whats wrong with owning a bentley

 

(6:16 PM)

_Nothing._

(6:16 PM)

_If you're a conservative from the 70's_

(6:17 PM)

_Oh god you're not are you?_

 

(6:22 PM)

No of course not. I'm a journalist

 

(6:25 PM)

_Fascinating._

 

(6:27 PM)

Ugh my phone is dripping from your sarcasm

 

(6:33 PM)

_You're welcome : >_

 

(6:36 PM)

Um what's : > ??

 

(6:41 PM)

_You're kidding?_

(6:42 PM)

_It's my smug face_

 

(6:44 PM)

You would have a smug face.

(6:47 PM)

Wait. I don't even know you

 

(6:52 PM)

_You can call me Jez_

 

(6:56 PM)

Right well I don't want to be rude but I probably won't call you that cause I feel our acquaintance should stop here...

 

(7:04 PM)

_Fair enough mysterious man with bad taste in cars. Have a nice life._

 

(7:07 PM)

Same back to you I guess

 

* * *

 

Monday February 25th

James  _Jeremy_   **Richard**  Andy

 

(10:11 AM)  
 _What do you think of the Bentley T2?_

 

(10:14 AM)

**Uhh cheap yet semi luxurious to give the middle class a shred of self importance?**

(10:15 AM)

**You're not thinking of buying one are you?**

(10:15 AM)

**Are you going mad?**

(10:17 AM)

**Is that why you're not at work?**

 

(10:26 AM)

_Tell Andy I'll be there in 10_

 

(10:27 AM)

**Clarkson you wanker.**

 

* * *

 

 

(11: 06 AM)

_How's the Bentley holding up?_

 

(11:15 AM)

Ah who is this?

 

(11:16 AM)

_: >_

 

(11:20 AM)

Oh it's you again. The Bentley's brilliant by the way

 

(11:24 AM)

_Sure sure. You can lie to me as much as you like but you can't lie to yourself forever._

 

(11:28 AM)

I thought you were going to stop txting me.

 

(11:33 AM)

_No you said you were going to stop txting me. I however can do what I like._

 

(11:38 AM)

Right, well I'm at work

 

(11:41 AM)

_Me too. In a meeting actually. How's the journalism?_

 

(11:49 AM)

Shouldn't you be paying attention then? and the journalism's far from fascinating at the moment.

 

(11:52 AM)

_I nod my head now and again so they think I'm listening_

(11:53 AM)

_Wouldn't you rather be txting me then?_

 

(11:59 AM)

Believe it or not I don't really like being criticized on my taste in cars

 

(12:03 PM)

_Fair enough. You must get it a lot_

 

(12:07 PM)

Mmm see I'd love to stick around and be insulted some more but some of us have proper work to do

(12:08 PM)

Bye Jez.

 

(12:10 PM)

_Sayonara Bentley man_

 

* * *

 

 

(12:13 PM)

**Quit txting under the table. Wilman has u locked in the death stare.**

 

(12:17 PM)

_Not anymore he doesn't. Now he thinks it's you I'm txting : >_

 

(12:21 PM)

**Argh full death stare! This is what I get for trying to help you out.**

(12:22 PM)

**Who is it you're txting by the way?**  


 

(12:26 PM)

_Some guy. actually not sure what his name is_

 

(12:33 PM)

**Yet you have his cell number?**

 

(12:34 PM)

FOR CHRISTS SAKE STOP TXTING UNDER THE TABLE LIKE SCHOOL BOYS AND PAY ATTENTION!  


(12:34 PM)

**...Talk at lunch**

 

* * *

 

Saturday 2nd March

James  _Jeremy_

 

(1:03 AM)

Ok listen hhere Jez jezzy jezza. The t2 is a fine piecxe of machinery asnd it might jst be to cool for the likes of your smug bottom to appreciate fully ok. and another thing journalism is a good job. better than sitting in meetings too boring to pay attention to :>>> : > > : > :> whos smug now : >

(1:04 AM)

: > : > : > : > : > : > : > : > : > : > : > : >

 

(9:46 AM)

_Good night was it?_

 

(10:19 AM)  
Not from where I'm standing (lying)

(10:22 AM)

Oh god I'm sorry about the txt!

(10:23 AM)

Well it's true but the delivery could have been a little smoother

 

(10:28 AM)

_No, no it was eloquently put in its own way_

 

(10:33 AM)

I'm sorry I usually don't drunkenly harass strangers... even though you started it

 

(10:36 AM)

_Very mature. besides I'm not a stranger to you. You know my name._

 

(10:54 AM)

Me merely knowing "Jez" doesn't make us not strangers

 

(10:59 AM)

_What does it make us?_

 

(11:12 AM)

I don't know people that have txted each other a couple of times?

 

(11:16 AM)  
 _That's not a thing_

 

(11:18 AM)

Well it is now

(11:23 AM)

Is Jez short for Jeremy?

 

(11:27 AM)

_That's not a thing men who have txted each other a couple times should want to know_

(11:29 AM)

_You are a man aren't you?_

 

(11:31 AM)

I was just curious... and that question seems hypocritical of you given what you just said

 

(11:34 AM)

_Fair play and yes my name is Jeremy_

 

(11:39 AM)

Thought so. You didn't seem like a Jerry

 

(11:41 AM)

_I'm taking that as a compliment_

(11:44 AM)

_So?_

 

(11:48 AM)

So?

 

(11:53 AM)

_Are you a bloke then?_

 

(11:57 AM)

Yeah as it happens

 

(12:06 AM)

_Fascinating._

 

(12:09 AM)

...I'm going back to bed

 

(12:11 AM)

_Sweet dreams : >_

 

* * *

 

Monday 4th March

James  _Jeremy_

 

(9:06 AM)

_Bentley Man! If you're parked on reagent st I've just seen you get a hefty fine!_

(9:11 AM)

_To be fair it's your fault for parking by a fire hydrant_

(9:12 AM)

_Are all Bentley owners by nature dimwitted?_

 

(9:14 AM)

Um thanks for your er... concern but my T2's safe in my garage. Anyway I might not even live in London.

(9:17 AM)

Not everyone does you know.

 

(9:22 AM)

_Oh yeah_

(9:24 AM)

_Just assumed your massive car wouldn't fit on country roads._

 

(9:29 AM)

You're quite right it doesn't.

(9:31 AM)

Txting at work again?

 

(9:33 AM)

_Technically no as I haven't turned up yet..._

 

(9:38 AM)

Oh god I hope you don't do something important that in someway could possibly affect me or my well-being

 

(9:41 AM)

_Unlikely. I work for the BBC_

  
(9:47 AM)

...Please tell me you're not Jeremy Kyle.

 

(9:50 AM)

_I'm insulted you would even think that!!! I'm not that man!!! Plus Jeremy Kyle works for ITV and believe me I would quit before working in the same company as him._

(9:51 AM)

_I work in production anyway._

 

(9:57 AM)

And you get away with turning up late?

 

(10:03 AM)

_I wouldn't call it getting away with it. Just received a mighty death stare from the boss._

 

(10:06 AM)

You poor thing.

 

(10:11 AM)

_Sounding exactly like someone who hasn't had to face the wrath of the Wilman death stare._

 

(10:13 AM)

Perhaps if you stopped pissing him off you wouldn't have to?

 

(10:18 AM)

_Nah, besides txting you is a lot more interesting than paying attention in meetings._

 

(10:22 AM)

Please don't tell me you're txting me during a meeting again.

 

(10:24 AM)

_I won't but I will tell you I'm getting another death stare and let you make of that what you will._

 

(10:27 AM)

I hope you don't make a show I actually enjoy watching.

 

(10:33 AM)

_How do you feel about gardening?_

 

(10:36 AM)

Ok, I'm safe you're not jeopardizing my TV viewing pleasure. I feel sorry for the gardeners though.

 

(10:39 AM)

_Glad to hear it._

(10:41 AM)

_Don't worry about the gardeners I'll make up a competition to win some potting mix or something to keep them happy._

 

(10:47 AM)

How you manage to retain a state of employment is a loss to me.

 

(10:54 AM)

_Let's just say they need me._

 

(11:03 AM)

That won't always be the case.

 

(11:09 AM)

_Yeah it will : >_

 

(11:12 AM)

I'm getting back to work. You should too

 

(11:21 AM)

_Have a pleasant day Bentley man._

 

* * *

 

Wednesday 6th March

James  _Jeremy_

 

(3:53 PM)

_Current affairs, human interest, sport???_

(4:07 PM)

_Politics?_

(4:08 PM)

_Celebrity news?!_

(4:10 PM)

_Please say no to that last one. Even if it's true just spare me the shame._

 

(4:14 PM)

Afternoon Jez.

(4:15 PM)

...No to all the above.

 

(4:19 PM)

_Ahhh thank god. The Bentley is one thing but a celeb news writer on top of that? I would of had to kill you._

 

(4:21 PM)

Mmm right well you should know I haven't completely ruled out the possibility of you being a serial killer yet so if you want to keep your cover I'd stop saying things of that nature if I was you.

 

(4:24 PM)

_Thanks for the heads up._

(4:26 PM)

_So you must write about something?_

 

(4:34 PM)

Quite right. I work for a magazine.

 

(4:37 PM)

_What sort of magazine?_

 

(4:49 PM)

I'm hesitant to tell you this...

 

(4:51 PM)

_Why?_

(4:52 PM)

_It's not a porn mag is it????_

 

(4:54 PM)

No of course not!

 

(4:56 PM)

_Oh that's right porn mags don't have much writing anyway_

(5:01 PM)

_Are you going to tell me who you write for then?_

 

(5:04 PM)

Fine. but you'll ridicule me.

 

(5:11 PM)

_Go on???_

 

(5:19 PM)

I write for a car mag.

 

(5:31 PM)

_What's your name??_

 

(5:39 PM)

...Remember the thing I said about you being a serial killer?

 

(5:41 PM)

_I'm not a serial killer._

 

(5:43 PM)

Sounds like something a serial killer would say.

 

(5:44 PM)

_I just like cars and read a few car mags now and again._

 

(5:48 PM)

And you need to know which magazines I write for so I don't inadvertently brainwash you with my articles into liking Bentleys?

 

(5:51 PM)

_Yeah something like that._

 

(6:04 PM)

Well you're safe I'm actually ah... between jobs at the moment.

 

(6:07 PM)

_Oh sorry to hear that._

 

(6:11 PM)

???

 

(6:13 PM)

_What?_

 

(6:14 PM)

What? No joke about how the public of Britain unable to sympathize with my love of Bentleys. Nothing?

 

(6:17 PM)

_Well it is a bit of a niche audience_

(6:19 PM)

_Sorry Bentley man but we can't all be deranged._

 

(6:23 PM)

There it is.

(6:26 PM)

And it's James.

(6:27 PM)

James May.

 

(6:31 PM)

_Fascinating._

 

(6:33 PM)

Sod off.

 

* * *

 

Friday 8th March

_Jeremy_ Andy

 

(9:05 PM)

_Where do I know the name James May?_

 

(9:23 PM)

Bloke from Autocar that got fired for doing that hidden message? He now writes for Carmag I think.

 

(9:29 PM)

_And have I met him?_

 

(9:36 PM)

I'm not your mother Clarkson.

(9:39 PM)

But yeah I think you must have done.

(9:47 PM)

If I find out you've pissed him off and he's now started a public tirade against you I might have to kill you.

 

(9:51 PM)

_Andy calm down no ones pissed off with me_

(9:53 PM)

_Well everyone's pissed off with me but no one more than normal_

 

(10:09 PM)

That's what I like to hear.

(10:11 PM)

How come you're not at the pub?

(10:14 PM)

Someone made a bet that Hamster couldn't fit into the boot of the mini and he's going through with it.

(10:18 PM)

_Got a lot on my plate at the moment._

(10:20 PM)

_20 quid he gets in but not out again._

 

* * *

 

Saturday 9th March

_Jeremy_   **Richard**

 

(11:16 AM)

**Congrats on winning 20 quid.**

 

(11:32 AM)

_Congrats on having to be cut out of a mini_

(11:41 AM)

_By the way I was meaning to ask how does that feel?_

 

(11:46 AM)

**Piss off Clarkson.**

 

(11:53 AM)

_Thought as much._

 

(12:01 PM)

**Still don't believe you should win. You weren't even there**

 

(12:06 PM)

_Didn't have to be to know that whatever idiotic thing you were planning to do would go wrong._

 

(12:14 PM)

**Oh while we're on the subject of idiotic things they've moved the filming of the compact car challenge up to Friday seeing as we can no longer use the mini...**

 

(12:22 PM)

_For once Hammond your idiocy has served for the betterment of the world._

 

(12:27 PM)

**Yeah you're welcome. You still have to turn up to the production meeting on Wednesday though.**

 

(12:31 PM)

_...I take that back._

 

(12:34 PM)

**Hey you never told me who that guy was. The one you were txting during last weeks meeting?**

 

(12:42 PM)

_And its my job to keep you updated on every aspect of my life?_

 

(12:46 PM)

**No... just thought it was strange that's all**

 

(12:51 PM)

_It was just a wrong number turned out it was James May._

 

(12:59 PM)

**You think it looks really good yeah? You should try make the bloody thing up it's a real pain in the arse.**

 

(1:04 PM)

_Please start making sense Hammond._

 

(1:11 PM)

**May. That's what he wrote with the initials in that edition of Autocar**

(1:17 PM)

**So you've been txting him?**

 

(1:21 PM)

_Yes I have if you insist that it's your business_

 

(1:28 PM)

**Sorry. It's just he told me once that he hated you.**

 

(1:33 PM)

_You've met him?_

 

(1:41 PM)

**Yeah he was at that Car show a couple months back that you refused to come to.**

 

(1:46 PM)  
INCOMING CALL: Jezza 

**'Hi Jeremy'**

_'I haven't met May'_

**'So?'**

_'So how can he hate me?'_

**'Jeremy this shouldn't come as a surprise to you but people don't need to see your ugly mug in order to hate you. Although, now I think of it James did imply the two of you had met'**

_'We haven't.'_

**'I dunno maybe you've forgotten'**

_'Wait, what do you mean by imply?'_

**'Uh he said something along the lines of "Glad I don't have to see Clarkson again."'**

_'Oh that's weird.'_

**'Yeah it is weird so whys he texting you now then?'**

_'He doesn't know its me.'_

**'What?'**

_'Well he knows its me he just doesn't know that me is Jeremy Clarkson.'_

**'So you're lying to him?'**

_'More like withholding the truth with a bit of lying. Yeah basically I'm lying.'_

**'Um why?'**

_'At first it was a precaution just in case he was a stalker or some sly bastard from the Daily Mail but then I dunno I just kept it up. Its nice not having to answer for all Jeremy Clarkson's dumb mistakes, you know?'_

**'Yeah I think I do mate.'**

_'Yeah alright. Cheers Hammond.'_

**'See ya Wednesday mate.'**

 

* * *

 

Wednesday 13th March

James  _Jeremy_   **Richard**

  
(12:29 PM)

In the cafeteria of the BBC Television center. Thought came to me, could I be looking at you right now?

(12:31 PM)

Fat balding man in tweed jacket just checked his phone. Jez? is that you?

 

(12:43 PM)

_It is I! Jezza Tweed Jacketed Fat Balding Man!_

 

(12:49 PM)

Oh god you made me choke on my croissant

 

(12:50 PM)

_Good. You made me spit out my coffee_

(12:51 PM)

_Whilst in a meeting!!_

 

(12:53 PM)

Serves you right for txting me during a meeting!

 

(12:58 PM) 

_Hey! You txted me first!_

 

(1:02 PM)

Oh you're right I did to.

 

(1:06 PM)

_So what brings you to the BBC apart from distracting me from my important work?_

 

(1:08 PM)

Pfft you're one to talk about distracting. I'm here for a meeting too actually with the Producer of Top Gear.

 

(1:09 PM)

_Hoping to get a job?_

 

(1:12 PM)

They're looking for a researcher.

 

(1:14 PM)

_Best of luck._

 

(1:15 PM)

Oh god the presenters are here too!

 

(1:17 PM)

_Don't worry I hear Hammond's actually half decent._

 

(1:17 PM)

It's not Hammond I'm worried about. Okay I better stop hiding out in the hall. Bye bye!

 

(1:18 PM)

_Txt me the outcome._

 

* * *

 

 

(1:33 PM)

**Speak of the devil and he shall appear.**

(1:34 PM)

**You reckon Andy will hire him?**

 

(1:36 PM)

_Maybe. He's a little over qualified._

 

(1:41 PM)

**Didn't have to say that aloud mate. The guys in the room.**

 

(1:42 PM)

_If Wilman insists that I'm present for the hiring of researchers then he can have my opinion._

 

(1:46 PM)

**You know the only reason we're here is cause you made the last guy quit with your incessant abuse.**

(1:47 PM)

**Besides I thought you liked May**

 

(1:52 PM)

_I don't know May._

 

(1:53 PM)

**Scared you'll be found out is that it?**

(1:54 PM)

**I'm telling Wilman to hire him.**

 

(1:59 PM)

_I hate you. You know that right?_

 

* * *

 

 

(7:06 PM)

_How'd you go?_

 

(7:23 PM)

Good I think. Wilman seems like a good guy and he didn't think I was too inexperienced to break through into the realm of TV.

 

(7:27 PM)

_Brilliant. When can we expect the good news?_

 

(7:31 PM)

Ah I was given the elusive "soon." Though I'm not quite sure I want the job.

 

(7:34 PM)

_James you realize you've just interviewed for the job?_

 

(7:39 PM)

Yeah I know it's just Clarkson. Seeing him there at the interview made me reconsider if I actually do want to work with him and by the sound of things we'll be working quite closely.

 

(7:42 PM)

_Don't you like Clarkson?_

 

(7:49 PM)

Does anyone?

(7:53 PM)

I mean he was on his phone right through the interview. Most likely tweeting his controversial nonsense.

 

(7:56 PM)

_...I do that_

 

(7:58 PM)

Yeah but that's in meetings you wouldn't do it during somebody else's job interview. It's just rude and disrespectful.

 

(8:02 PM)

_I guess you're right._

 

(8:05 PM)

Might just have to swallow my pride and take any job I can get. It's slim pickings

 

(8:09 PM)

_Well wherever you decide they'll be lucky to have you._

 

(8:11 PM)

Your Gardening show don't need a researcher do they?

 

(8:14 PM)

_Afraid not sorry._

 

(8:21 PM)

That's ok. I know the least bit about Gardening anyway

 

* * *

 

Sunday 17th March

James  _Jeremy_   **Richard**  Andy

 

(11:06 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Andy

_'Hello Andy'_

'Hey Jeremy just got off the phone with Richard'

_'How is the Hamster?'_

'He's good just running past him the poor sod who gets to be you two's new researcher.'

_'Right so who've we got?'_

'Your verdict outstanding, it looks like James May. You met on Wednesday.'

_'Right.'_

'So you're fine with him? I'm not having him quitting because of you Jez.'

_'No May's fine. Hire him.'_

'Alright I'll call him now and let him know'

_'Okay'_

'Okay Bye'

_'Bye'_

 

* * *

 

 

(11:27 AM)

Hey Jez.

 

(11:31 AM)

_James! Hi_

 

(11:32 AM)

You are presently talking to the newest researcher for the BBC's hit Automotive show: Top Gear!

 

(11:34 AM)

_You got the job!_

 

(11:35 AM)

I did!

 

(11:37 AM)

_What about Clarkson?_

 

(11:41 AM)

I need the money and he's more or less easily ignored (:

 

(11:47 AM)

_I'm glad it all worked out._

 

(11:53 AM)

Me too, so it looks like we're both working for the BBC now!

 

(12:02 PM)

_That's right, maybe I'll see you round._

 

(12:09 PM)

Yeah, maybe.

 

(12:34 PM)

_Bye then._

 

(12:36 PM)

Bye Jez.

 

* * *

 

 

(3:33 PM)

**So what are you going to do about Mr May?**

 

(3:47 PM)

_Nothing. I've stopped txting him and I shall pretend it never happened._

 

(3:53 PM)

**I'm sorry Jez.**

 

(4:14 PM)

_Why? He's free to hate me now just like before. Nothings changed._

 

(4:17 PM)

**I dunno you did seem happier when you were txting him. I had never seen you smile in a meeting before.**

(4:21 PM)

**Granted, the reason you were smiling had nothing to do with the proceedings of the meeting but still a smiles a smile!**

 

(4:34 PM)

_What are you on about Hammond I smile all the time._

(4:37 PM)

_Just leave it out, okay?_

 

(4:46 PM)

**Whatever you say, Clarkson.**

 

* * *

 

Monday 18th March

James  _Jeremy_

(1:01 AM)

What are we doing Jez?

 

(1:02 AM)

_Well dunno about you but I was sleeping_

(1:11 AM)

_James?_

 

(1:12 AM)

Sorry I just wanted to know why are we two people who occasionally text each other?

 

(1:13 AM)

_You're not drunk again are you?_

 

(1:15 AM)

No not drunk just confused. Like why is it when I get a job you're the only one I want to tell and you are the one I tell before my parents and my mates even and why is it when I'm bored or lonely or when I can't sleep the first thing to do about it, the thing that I know will make me feel better is to text you?

 

(1:21 AM)

 _We're just mates May. Mates who have met in an odd way well technically never have met but that's what we are and you should feel that you can talk to your mate anytime you need to cause that's what we're here for._

(1:24 AM)

_Simple as that._

(1:41 AM)

_Sweet dreams May._

 


	2. Chapter 2

Tuesday 19th March

James Jan

 

(4:24 PM)

INCOMING CALL: James 

 

'Hello there, this is the EE customer service line, you're speaking to Jan'

'Hi. I'm just calling to have a look at maybe changing my plan.'

'One moment sir as I just take a look at your current usage.' 

'Right.'

'Okay, so you currently have 200 calling minutes per month and casual texting and data rates within the UK apply'

'I'd like to get more texts please.'

'Sure. Are you interested in our unlimited text pre paid plan, which will give you unlimited number of texts each month, within the UK for 9 pounds?'

'Yeah that sounds perfect'

'Very good sir. I'll charge that to your account. Is there anything else I can help you with today?'

'Nope that's all thank-you.'

'Enjoy the rest of your day.'

'You too.'

 

* * *

 

 

Wednesday 20th March

_Jeremy_ Andy

 

(8:56 AM)

Clarkson, how can May be pissed off with you already? He's been here two days.

 

(9:04 AM)

_What's he said?_

 

(9:13 AM)

Nothing. But it's obvious he doesn't like you.

 

(9:16 AM)

_I've barely spoken to the guy!_

 

(9:18 AM)

There's our problem. Go make friends.

 

(9:23 AM) 

_It's not in my contract to "make friends"_

 

(9:27 AM)

There's a tonne of stuff not in your contract yet you do it anyway

(9:31 AM)

To name a few... Irk environmentalists, irk car manufacturers, irk Hammond, irk the camera crew which in turn irks me

 

(9:34 AM)

_Stop saying irk so early in the morning._

 

(9:35 AM)

Irk lorry drivers, irk newspaper editors, irk politicians

 

(9:38 AM)

_Okay, okay! I'll make friends._

 

(9:41 AM)

Good.

 

(9:44 AM)

_Just letting you know I'm making a complaint to the worker's union._

 

(9:49 AM)

Excellent, let them know I need a pay rise.

 

* * *

 

 

Friday 22nd March

James  _Jeremy_ **Richard**

 

(10:41 AM)

For once I can sympathize with your habit of texting whilst at work.

 

(10:59 AM)

_Bored out of your brains?_

(11:01 AM)

_Tell me if I'm wrong but you seem like the kind of guy who is genetically incapable of feeling boredom?_

(11:02 AM)

_Furthermore, I wager you watch documentaries about the engineering of Steam Liners for fun._

 

(11:05 AM)

You saw that last night? Good wasn't it.

 

(11:07 AM)

_I knew it! I knew you would've watched that! : >_

 

(11:12 AM)

Yeah, yeah well done.

 

(11:16 AM)

_I'm like a mentalist!_

 

(11:18 AM)

More like mental.

 

(11:23 AM)

_I'm going to ignore that because my mental powers sense that you're harboring a burning desire for me._

 

(11:27 AM)

Definitely mental.

 

(11:31 AM)

_So what do I have to thank for these insults during working hours?_

 

(11:42 AM)

Not what, who.

(11:43 AM)

Clarkson.

(11:45 AM)

He thinks he owns the place

 

(11:54 AM)

_Playground tiff?_

 

(11:57 AM)

I want to get along with him, I do. Well I at least want to try but he just thinks he's better than everybody else.

 

(12:04 AM)

_I could have told you that._

 

(12:11 AM)

Like the producer suggests that Clarkson gives me his cell number because the wanker keeps rescheduling our meetings and I never find out in time but he just flat out refuses to. And after a moment he grudgingly agrees to give me his business email. The guy has a problem.

(12:13 PM)

Sorry to keep bitching to you.

(12:14 PM)

Okay from this moment on neither of us will mention Clarkson ever again. Deal?

 

(12:17 PM)

_That sounds like the easiest thing I've ever had to do._

 

(12:20 PM)

What does?

 

(12:23 PM)

_Not having to mention Cl-_

(12:24 PM)

_You nearly had me there._

 

(12:34 PM)

Nearly (;

 

(12:41 PM)

_You have to be cleverer than that to sneak one past the Mentalist._

 

(12:49 PM)

You're not the Mentalist.

 

(12:52 PM)

_Are to._

 

(12:56 PM)

Okay what am I doing now then?

 

(1:01 PM)

_Txting me, ha!_

 

(1:08 PM)

...Apart from that

 

(1:12 PM)

_Right. Sitting at your desk._

 

(1:16 PM)

Be more specific

 

(1:19 PM)

_Playing solitaire._

(1:24 PM)

_Am I right?_

(1:27 PM)

_I'm right aren't I?_

 

(1:31 PM)

How'd you know that?

(1:33 PM)

And don't say cause you're the mentalist

 

(1:33 PM)

_I'm the mentalist : >_

(1:34 PM)

 _Jinx!_

(1:36 PM)

_You're not a mentalist too are you?_

 

(1:38 PM)

Have I ever told you that you're rather annoying?

 

(1:41 PM)

_No, but I did sense it_

 

(1:44 PM)

Yet you continue to be annoying?

 

(1:48 PM)

_James! It would go against the mentalist code to use my powers as an advantage over the lesser folk._

 

(1:52 PM)

Of course it would.

 

(1:56 PM)

_I'm glad you understand._

(1:58 PM)

_Hang on, I sense my boss is angered by my being distracted by my cellphone. In peasant language: Gotta go May!_

 

(2:02 PM)

...Not too sure what to say to that

(2:03 PM)

Bye Jez, you oaf.

 

* * *

 

 

(5:18 PM)

**Jezza!**

(5:21 PM)

**How's leading a double life going?**

 

(5:26 PM)  
 _As expected._

 

(5:31 PM)  
 **Well I did some undercover work of my own...**

 

(5:34 PM)

_Hammond!_

(5:34 PM)

_What did you do!!_

(5:35 PM)

_!!!_

 

(5:39 PM)

 

**Wowzers calm down**

 

(5:40 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Hammond

_'Alright go on tell me'_

**'Okay okay it was really cool I was like Bond-'**

'Hammond!'

**'Okay so today I went up to May and just asked him how he was settling in and stuff and he said he was good. Then, when we were talking about the lotus espirit and he gets a** **text and he's smiling and I ask him if it's his girlfriend and he says, get this, "not exactly!"'**

_'So he has a girlfriend?'_

**'Oh well...'**

_'Well what?'_

**'I just thought...'**

_'What did you just think?'_

**'...Yeah probably?'**

_'Yeah probably, he has a girlfriend?'_

**'Yeah. I dunno, just thought I'd let you know.'**

_'Is that it?'_

**'Well yeah but I could infiltrate enemy lines again if you-"**

_'Stay out of it.'_

**'Okay I won't. Just trying to help'**

_'I wouldn't consider your meddling as helping'_

**'Harsh. I'll take my ninja skills elsewhere'**

_'Hammond you're either Bond, a war spy or a ninja you don't get to be all three'_

**'When you have my level of training you do'**

_'You don't have training'_

**'Hey! I went to art school!'**

_'My previous statement stands.'_

**'Again, harsh'**

_'Life's just tough if you're 5 foot, 5 with an Arts degree isn't it?'_

**'I'm 5'6 and I dunno it could be worse. I could be you'**

_'I'm not seeing the worseness of this situation?'_

**'May I remind you of your predicament with May?'**

_'I don't have a predicament. Everything's under control'_

**'Right, so texting a man who, if he knew it was you he was texting, would stop has always been apart of the plan now has it?'**

_'Yes, I wouldn't expect you to understand'_

**'Well you're right I don't.'**

_'Well I'm not going to explain it.'_

_'_ **Well I've got to go now anyway'**

_'Well so do I.'_

**'Well I'm gonna hang u- ...Clarkson? Bastard.'**

 

* * *

 

 

Sunday 24th March

James  _Jeremy_

 

(8:49 PM) 

_Evening May._

 

(8:58 PM) 

Hey Jez.

 

(9:04 PM) 

_Whats up?_

 

(9:15 PM) 

No.

 

(9:17 PM) 

_No?_

 

(9:21 PM) 

No, we're not txting like youths

 

(9:26 PM) 

_Like youths?_

 

(9:32 PM)

You know like whatsup? nm wbu? nm. kwl. kwl. hau? gd hbu? gd. thts gd. etc, etc

 

(9:37 PM) 

_How do you know how youths txt?_

 

(9:41 PM) 

...Reasons

 

(9:46 PM) 

_What reasons?_

 

(9:52 PM) 

My mate Sims phone got switched with that of a youths and I may have gotten pestered a little.

 

(9:54 PM) 

_Is this pro Bentley Sim?_

 

(9:55 PM) 

As it happens yeah

(9:56 PM) 

Fascinating.

 

(9:56 PM) 

_Fascinating._

(9:56 PM) 

_We are of one mind!!!_

 

(9:57 PM) 

I haven't been more insulted in my life.

 

(10:03 PM)

_Not even when someone mistook your car for an estate home?_

 

(10:11 PM)

Leave the T2 be.

 

(10:15 PM)

_Okay, okay. I'll stop pointing out all the faults of your car._

 

(10:18 PM)

Good. And they're not faults.

 

(10: 21 PM)

_Drawbacks?_

 

(10:29 PM)

I'm reading.

 

(10:34 PM)

_Why are you telling me this?_

 

(10:38 PM)

You asked me what I was doing and the answer is that I'm reading.

 

(10:42 PM)

_Breakthrough! What are you reading?_

 

(10:47 PM)

A book.

 

(10:53 PM)

_Hmmph minor set back. What's your boo called?_

 

(10:58 PM)

My boo? You're not fishing for something here are you Jez??

 

(11:01 PM)

_MAJOR SET BACK. I meant book._

(11:07 PM)

_And I don't fish._

(11:08 PM)

_Not even in the literal sense._

(11:08 PM)

_Fishing's dumb._

 

(11:11 PM)

Right...

 

(11:13 PM)

_Just tell me what your books called._

 

(11:17 PM)

...I'd rather not.

 

(11:21 PM)

_Just for that you have to now._

 

(11:28 PM)

You mean just because you're an insufferable sod I have to now?

 

(11:35 PM)

_You're free to interpret it as you like James, just tell me what book you're reading!!_

 

(11:36 PM)

Pride and Prejudice.

 

(11:41 PM)

_What??_

 

(11:46 PM)

Uh it's by Jane Austen?

 

(11:51 PM)

_I know that._

(11:52 PM)

_Why are you reading it?_

(11:52 PM)

_You're not secretly a girl are you?_

 

(11:54 PM)

No, of course not.

 

(11:59 PM)

_Right, here's your chance to explain before I start taking the piss._

 

(12:02 AM)

How kind of you.

(12:03 AM)

There's not really much to explain. My Mum just left it behind after she visited a week ago and I just picked it up and started to read it.

 

(12:07 AM)

_Oh how is it?_

 

(12:11 AM)

Surprisingly suspenseful and captivating.

(12:13 AM)

I know I'll never here the end of this but it is.

 

(12:16 AM)

_Well it does make you a complete and utter clot, James but I feel too sorry for you to actually tease you about it._

 

(12:18 AM)

Again, how kind.

 

(12:21 AM)

_Just call me the Messiah_

 

(12:24 AM)

Might pass on that one, thanks.

 

(12:28 AM)

_Do you see your Mum often?_

 

(12:31 AM)

Often enough. She brings round cakes

(12:33 AM) 

I'm actually eating her date and walnut right now.

 

(12:38 AM)

_Lucky bastard._

 

(12:41 AM)

What are you doing?

 

(12:44 AM)

_I thought you didn't txt like teenagers?_

 

(12:51 AM)

It's your fault for making me feel like one.

(12:52 AM)

Bollocks I wasn't meant to send that.

(12:57 AM)

Sorry Jez. Goodnight.

 

(12:59 AM)

_May?_

(1:01 AM)

_Do you think we should meet?_

 

* * *

 

  
Monday 25th March

_Jeremy_ **Richard** Andy

 

(11:12 AM)

**How's the illegitimate love affair?**

 

(11:34 AM)

_Piss off Hammond._

 

(11:39 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Hammond

(11:40 AM)

**Pick up your phone Clarkson**

(11:44 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Hammond

 

_'What is it?'_

**'What is it with you?'**

_'Sod off Richard I don't need your input. Can't you just keep your fucking nose out of it.'_

**'No I can't. We're mates. I'm invested.'**

_'Invested my arse. You think it's a fucking game well let me tell you it's not. It's my fucking life and it's not the least bit fun. Not on my side.'_

**'Jeremy-'**

_'No. I don't need consoling. I just- just leave me alone.'_

**'I can tell you now that's not gonna happen mate. Please, tell me what happened or even better come for a drink.'**

_'...Fine. Come to the King's Head. I'm here already.'_

**'Be there in 5.'**

 

* * *

 

  
(7:08 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Jeremy 

 

_'Hi Andy. Did you get my email?'_

'Hi Jez, yeah I did. I was just about to call you myself.'

_'I know there are protocols and whatnot but I just emailed you for the formality. I need this and whether it sits well with you or not, I'm goi_ ng.'

'What's going on Jeremy?'

_'It's...'_

'I'll give you the days off just tell me what's going on. I'm worried about you, as your mate not your boss.'

_'I'm- I just need a break Andy. Nothing's wrong I just need some recuperation time, that's all.'_

'In the Isle of Man though? Can't you just recoup here, in London?'

_'You know I haven't been back to the house since... and I'd like to visit. And Hammond said he'd come down for a night.'_

'Well alright, it seems there's nothing I can say.'

_'There really isn't.'_

'Except be back for filming on Monday'

_'Yes boss.'_

'Whatever. When do you leave?'

_'First thing tomorrow.'_

'Well drive safe.'

_'Will do, thanks Andy.'_

'See you when you get back'

_'Bye.'_

 

* * *

 

 

Tuesday 27th March

James _Sim_

 

(10:18 AM)

_Just fixed the carburetor on the Holden. Should be finished this afternoon. Come have a look? - S._

 

(10:32 AM)

Simmy! Yeah, I think some motorcycle therapy is in order. I'll bring round some drinks.

 

(10:51 AM)

_ Okay James. Let yourself in when you arrive. I'm in the shed. -S _

 

(10:54 AM)

Got it, see you soon.

 

* * *

 

  
Wednesday 27th March

James _Jeremy_

 

(8:27 PM)

Hi.

 

(8:38 PM)

_Evening._

 

(8:41 PM)

Look about the other night... there was some stuff said on both our sides that we regret saying so can't we just pretend it never happened?

 

(8:48 PM)

_If that's what you want._

 

(8:53 PM)

Is it not what you want?

 

(8:57 PM)

_I'm not sure_

 

(9:03 PM)

...Helpful

 

(9:08 PM)

_Can't we just be men who text each other again?_

 

(9:12 PM)

If you're so keen to put a label on it Jez then what's wrong with mates

 

(9:24 PM)

_But we're not mates, are we. We don't know each other._

 

(9:33 PM)

If that's what you think then perhaps we should just end this here

 

(9:28 PM)

_I didn't say it was what I thought..._

(9:30 PM)

_This has just become more complicated than I wanted it to be that's what I'm saying._

 

(9:32 PM)

It doesn't have to be.

(9:34 PM)

We can go back to like we were before.

 

(9:41 PM)

_But it won't be the same now, will it?_

 

(9:43 PM)

It's you who's making things complicated here Jez.

 

(9:46 PM)

_No it isn't. This is your fault._

 

(9:49 PM)  
What have I done?

 

(9:51 PM)

_Nothing!_

 

(9:56 PM)

Just come out with it!

 

(10:11 PM)

_It's just you with your bad car and odd habits and date and walnut cake and pride and fucking prejudice and how checking my phone with a txt from you makes me feel more in that few seconds than in the entire day and how what we talk about is absolute nonsense but they've become my most meaningful conversations I've had in a good long while and they're not even face to face and it could just be entirely one-sided, on my side but I find myself unable to care cause I can't stop and don't want to._

(10:58 PM)

_I've ballsed it, haven't I?_

 

* * *

 

 

Thursday 28th March

James _Jeremy Sim_

 

(7:41 AM)

_James I'm sorry, man._

(11:04 AM)

_Please just reply._

* * *

 

 

(2:36 PM)

Hi Sim. Do you mind if I pop round again, later?

 

(2:51 PM)

_Afternoon James, we've finished the bike. Remember? -S_

 

(3:02 PM)

Yeah, I thought we could just go for a drink this time?

 

(3:11 PM)

_Yeah, if you want.-S_

(3:13 PM)

_ Or I've got a lawn mower in bits that my neighbor asked me to look at. -S _

 

(3:19 PM)

That sounds perfect Simmy.

 

(3:39 PM)

_Okay so I'll see you then. -S_

 

(3:46 PM) 

Yup you'll be seeing me.

 

* * *

 

 

(4:21 PM)

_Can't we just forget it?_

(4:26 PM) 

_Go back to like before._

 

* * *

 

(12:56 AM)

Voice mail Message: Jezza

_'Hi Hamster it's me just- ahh wait, why'd you call again? No, I called you! Foooooor... booze, that's right! Be a good mate and pick up some whisky when you stop by Saturday? Okay that will be all, end transmission.'_

 

* * *

 

  
Friday 29th March

_Jeremy_ **Richard**  Andy

 

(8:46 AM)

Voice mail Message: Hammond

**'Pick up your phone Jez! I didn't suggest a break to the Isle of Man so you could go off on a solo bender. If you don't call me back I'm coming down a day early, fair warning so, Call. Me. Back. Righto, bye.'**

 

(10:56 AM)

**Currently driving to Liverpool.**

(11:14 AM)

**You better be picking me up off the Ferry.**

 

(11:57 AM)

_Hammond? You said you were coming Saturday._

 

(12:03 PM)

**CHECK YOUR BLASTED PHONE.**

 

* * *

 

 

(4:49 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Andy

 

**'Hello?'**

'Richard? Where the hell are you?'

**'Uh... the Irish Sea?'**

'What?'

**'On a ferry.'**

'Why is it that all my presenters are going fucking AWOL to the Isle of Man. I'll get a call from Dawe in a minute saying he's eating kippers on Gansey bay!'

**'Sorry Andy. I had planned on leaving tomorrow but I got a call from an inebriated Clarkson last night and decided to head off early. I'm worried about him.'**

'Well so am I, you know that and I'm glad he has you Rich, I am. I'm just sorry that the two of you both happen to work for me.'

**'I know and I'm sorry too. I'll try sort him out and maybe he'll be back to his obnoxious, imbecilic self on Monday and we'll have to beg him to go take a sabbatical again.'**

'I hope you're right. I'm guessing you know what's going on with him?'

**'...To some extent. Don't worry Andy once it all rights itself and it's out in the open you'll be relieved that you had no clue what was going on.'**

'Yes, I'm definitely not worried now.'

**'Good man. Alright, the cell range is a bit iffy. I better ring off but I'll check in with you soon.'**

'Okay. Bye then Hammond. Good luck with the orangutan.'

**'Bye.'**

 

* * *

 

  
 _Saturday 30th March_

James _Sim_

 

(1:14 PM)

_ Malfunctioning grinder? -S _

 

(1:22 PM)

I'll be right over.


	3. Chapter 3

Friday 19th April

_Jeremy_   **Richard**

 

(6:47 PM)

_Hammond._

 

(6:54 PM)

**Yes Jez?**

 

(7:01 PM)

_I want you to set me up on that blind date._

 

(7:09 PM)

**With Mindy's friend?**

 

(7:13 PM)  
 _Yeah._

 

(7:17 PM)

**I thought you didn't want to endure 2 hours of mindless babble about horses, The Great British Bake Off and how all her friends have kids when she doesn't.**

 

(7:21 PM)

_I've changed my mind._

 

(7:32 PM)

**...Right. I'll ask Mindy to sort it out and get back to you tomorrow.**

 

(7:39 PM)

_OK_

 

(7:41 PM)

**You mean thanks Richard, you dashingly handsome man, what ever would I do without your expertise on the ladies.**

 

(7:48 PM)

_You're ridiculous._

 

(7:53 PM)

**Hey, I'm trying to help you out here**

 

(7:59 PM)

_Thank-you Richard._

(8:01 PM)

_Happy?_

 

(8:08 PM)

**Very.**

 

* * *

  
Saturday 20th April

James _Jeremy_ **Richard**   _Sim_ **Mindy** Sharon

 

(10:09 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Simmy

 

'Hiya Sim'

_'James, hi.'_

'How's the bike?'

_'Yeah, good but I just wan-'_

'Did you fix the front wheel suspension?'

_'Yeah I did it last night. Can I jus-'_

'And the rear break light?'

_'Huh? Oh yeah, turned out it wasn't broken. Look, I called 'cau-'_

'We should go riding. I'm not sure when I' free next but-'

_'James.'_

'Yeah?'

_'I wanted to ask you something.'_

'Right, can it wait?'

_'Not really.'_

'...Go on then.'

_ 'Well we've been seeing each other a lot lately and don't get me wrong it's been great but you didn't used to have this much time just to muck around on projects and things and you seem more orientated on the work than just having a laugh like before and I can't help but wonder if there's something wrong? If I'm being a twat you can just say Simmy, sod off you're being a twat but I thought I'd ask anyway just in case something was... not right... yeah, so...' _

'Right...'

_'Yeah.'_

'I propose we talk this over a drink?'

_'Tonight?'_

'If you want.'

_'Tonight's good.'_

'Okay.'

_'Okay see you then.'_

'Thanks Sim'

_ 'It's okay.' _

 

* * *

 

 

(10:18 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Mindy

 

'Mindy! Hi!'

**'Hey Sharon'**

'What can I do you for?'

**'Well I wanted to know if you're still unopposed to that blind date with Rich's friend Jeremy?'**

'Jeremy Fucking Clarkson?'

**'The one and only.'**

'Aw I don't know hun. It really doesn't seem worth the time.'

**'You know I can't argue with you there but could you consider it a favor to me?'**

'Yeah of course but I don't see how two hours of me putting up with that idiot will help you out.'

**'Well it would be for Richard. Jeremy's been really out of sorts lately -there was a break up or something and Rich has been really worried so...'**

'Jeremy Clarkson on the re-bound? I guess I can't pass that up.'

'You'll go? Thanks Shaz you're a star!'

'Txt me the deets okay. I'm about to go on duty.'

'Stay safe Constable.'

'Yes Ma'am. Bye bye!'

 

* * *

 

 

(11:41 AM)

**All is go. Thursday, 7pm, Dishoom, Soho.**

 

(12:28 PM)

_Got it, thanks._

 

* * *

  
Friday 21th April

_Jeremy_ **Richard**

 

(1:03 PM)

**So?? How'd you go?**

 

(1:21 PM)

_Fine._

 

(1:28 PM)

**Fine as in fine or fine as in you don't want to talk about it.**

 

(1:31 PM)

_Stop acting like my fucking shrink Hammond._

 

(1:34 PM)

**The second one, got it.**

 

(1:39 PM)

_Satisfied now?_

 

(1:45 PM)

**Not really.**

 

(1:49 PM)

_You're an annoying, ignorant twat, you know that?_

 

(1:54 PM)

**Some have expressed that opinion of me, yes.**

 

(2:02 PM)

_You should be used to fucking off then._

 

(2:06 PM)

**You should be so lucky.**

(2:11 PM)

**What happened with you and James?**

 

(2:31 PM)

_Learn to take a hint and keep the fuck out of it._

 

(2:39 PM)

**Grow up Clarkson and stop being so fucking selfish and melodramatic. If all our friendship is to you, is a means to get a date when you're tired of feeling sorry for yourself and someone to pick up booze for you when you're sloshed then you can shove it up your arse.**

 

(3:14 PM)

_Fuck off._

 

(3:23 PM)

**Gladly.**

 

* * *

 

(12:47 AM)

_James can't we just talk. It's just texting. It's innocent._

(12:56 AM)

_Call me up and be mad and say that I'm a waste of time and I'm not to txt you ever again._

(12:59 AM)

_I dare you._

(1:02 AM)

_Anything, just let me know you're not dead in a ditch._

(1:13 AM)

_Your car isn't the most reliable so my concern is justified..._

(1:17 AM)

_Okay, so not the best time for joking_

(1:21 AM)

_Sod it. You probably don't even read these_

(1:24 AM)

_I can say the fuck I want._

(1:29 AM)

_Like I can say that you're a self-righteous prick_

(1:31 AM)

_Who's afraid._

(1:34 AM)

_The most outrageous thing you've ever done is buy a heinous car that you can't afford._

(1:38 AM)

_And the most significant relationship that you have is with your cat._

(1:41 AM)

_I don't even know if you have a fucking cat._

(1:42 AM)

_But I bet you do._

(1:44 AM)

_You were born 55._

(1:59 AM)

_Fuck you James._

(2:03 AM)

_Don't bother replying._

(2:26 AM)

_Like you were going to anyway but if you were don't bother cause I don't want to fucking talk to you again. I'm going to delete all these txts and your number off my phone and then I'm going to get considerably more pissed than I am now and try to forget this nonsense ever happened. Happy? Cause it's your fucking doing May._

 

* * *

 

 

Monday 24th April

_Jeremy_ **Richard** Andy 

 

(3:09 PM)

Whats going on?

 

(3:17 PM)

**What are you talking about?**

 

(3:19 PM)

I'm talking about the fact that no one on my crew seem to be talking to one another.

 

(3:24 PM)

**There you go.**

 

(3:26 PM)

Asking the camera man how his weekend was doesn't count.

 

(3:27 PM)

**Why not?**

 

(3:31 PM)

Because in 3 hours time you don't have to go on national television with said camera man and disagree with his taste in cars.

 

(3:36 PM)

**That's not an option is it?**

 

(3:39 PM)

No it is not!

(3:42 PM)

Whats happened with you and Jez?

(3:46 PM)

Wait. I remembered I don't care just sort it the fuck out and try not to ruin my T.V show in the process.

 

(3:51 PM)

**Yes boss.**

 

(3:56 PM)

If that's sarcasm I have cause to murder you.

(3:59 PM)

Stop talking to fucking Dave.

(4:02 PM)

Let's finish this rehearsal and make it decidedly less shit.

 

(4:07 PM)

**Yes boss.**

 

(4:48 PM)

Fuck it. Go have some coffee or something.

 

* * *

 

(6:43 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Andy

 

_'Mmm'_

'Jeremy?'

_'What is it?'_

'What is it!?'

_'Yeah.'_

'Where the fuck are you that's what it is.'

_'Out by the track.'_

'We start broadcasting in 15 fucking minutes Jez.'

_'Yeah I know. I'll be back by then.'_

'Well, what the fuck are you doing out there?'

_'Watching the sun set.'_

'Watching the sun set... what's up with you Jez.'

_'Nothing! I'm fine.'_

'You're not. We're talking about this later but for now I have a T.V show to not balls up so I'm sending James out on the golf buggy to get you.'

_'Oh great.'_

'Don't you dare harass my researcher he's probably the only one on this dog's breakfast crew that I can actually rely on.'

_'Why don't you get him to do the show then.'_

'Cause I can trust him to not say something horrendously insulting and for some reason the Great British public go in for that so get the fuck back to my studio.'

 

* * *

  
Tuesday 25th April

_Jeremy_ Andy

 

(9:03 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Jeremy

 

_'Hey.'_

'Hi Jeremy.'

_'Do you have May's mobile number?'_

'I thought you didn't want it.'

_'Yeah, I just need to talk to him.'_

'It's kinda late Jez.'

_'It's important.'_

'Right, I'm sure it is. I'll txt it through to you.'

_'Thanks. Oh and it would be helpful if you don't tell him that you gave it to me.'_

'What-'

_'Thanks Andy, Bye!'_

'...Bye'

 

* * *

 

 

Wednesday 26th April

_Jeremy_

 

(9:46 PM)

_James I can't remember what I txted you but I'm sorry._

(9:51 PM)

_I deleted all the texts off my phone_

(10:04 PM)

_I woke up one morning and it was like you never existed_

(10:41 PM)

_God I sound soppy_

(10:47 PM)

_Please just reply_

 

* * *

 

  
Thursday 27th April

James  _Jeremy_

 

(4:22 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Unknown

 

‘Hello, James May speaking’

_‘Hi James-’_

‘Who is this’

_‘It’s me, Je-Jeremy.’_

‘Oh, how’d you get my number?’

_‘Off Wilman.’_

‘Right.’

_‘Yeah.’_

‘So, why is it you’re calling?’

_‘Oh, um I just wanted to see how you are.’_

‘Not the best if you want the truth and I really don’t have the time for-’

_‘I wanted to see if we could be friends’_

‘What?’

_‘I want to be friends.’_

‘Really?’

_‘I know you don’t like me but-’_

'We're not in the playground anymore Clarkson. I don't have to like you.'

_'I know but if you just get to-'_

'If I get to know you I'll see that you're self-centered and crude and brash and I'll probably like you less than I do now. You've built a career off people not liking you Clarkson so I don't see why you should want to change that now, with me of all people. Did Wiman put you up to this?'

_'No Andy doesn't even-'_

'You tell him that I'm fine with not talking to you. Prefer it even. You tell him to make sure you're not at all friendly to me rather than the other way round, okay?'

_'Okay James.'_

'Right, good. Well if that's all you wanted...'

_'Yeah Bye.'_

'Bye.'

 

* * *

 

  
Saturday 29th April

James **Richard** **  
**

(11:57 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Richard

 

'Hammond.'

**'James! How are you feeling'**

'Disgusted that you have the audacity to sound cheerful right now.'

**'Aha sorry mate. It was a good night wasn't it?'**

'Yeah, it was. Sorta sorry I hadn't gone out with you lot before now actually'

**'Well we can do it again. I need to beat you at darts.'**

'We'll go to the pub again but I'd set that second thing far out of your sights'

**'Aw come on I had had at least two more pints than you at the time we started.'**

'Hammond, stop trying to peg me for you being a lightweight. It's simply nature's design'

**'Alright now it's personal. Let's settle this on the dart board.'**

'Okay. If you're so keen to lose again'

**'Hey you- Wait, I don't have the time to get into this right now. I just called to check in with you about your er.. problem?'**

'What problem?'

**'Ah the one you told me about last night?'**

'Uh... the fact I have no proper competition in darts?'

**'No it was sometime post the dart debacle. About your friend. The one you had a falling out with.'**

'Oh... I told you about that?'

**'Yeah you didn't really elaborate much more than that but you seemed quite distressed so I thought I'd check to see if everything is okay and to let you know that you can talk to me whenever about whatever.'**

'Okay that's ah really kind of you.'

**'Yeah well it seemed it was really grinding on you.'**

'Oh yeah... well it was for a bit but I'm fine now so it probably was just the drink talking.'

**'James-'**

'Well thanks for a good night Hammond. I'll see you monday, bye.

**'...Bye.'**

 

* * *

 

  
Monday 1st May

James _Jeremy_ **Richard** Andy Sharon

 

(10:23 AM)

_Right I'm here where is everyone._

(10:34 AM)

_You're not in the organizers tent_

(10:39 AM)

_You're not looking at the cars_

(10:41 AM)

_Are you all having an orgy in one of these porta-loos?_

 

(10:43 AM)

MISSED CALL: Jezza

(10:44 AM)

MISSED CALL: Jeremy

 

(10:47 AM)

_No ones answering their phones!!_

(10:49 AM)

_Pick up pick up pick up!!_

(10:51 AM)

_Alright I'm going home._

 

(11:01 AM)

**Jeremy where are you?**

 

(11:03 AM)

_The classic car show where the fuck are you?_

 

(11:16 AM)

**The hospital.**

 

(11:16 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Jezza

 

_'What's happened?'_

**'Uh I'm not too sure. We were at the show and one of the guys made a crack about James not liking you and he just flipped. It was really scary like he's such a reserved bloke you know so no one really knew what to say so he just stormed off jumped into his car and sped down the road and we thought just to let him cool off you know. Well everything was fine for half an hour an hour maybe then we get a call from the police. James was clocked doing 120 miles per hour. James! Speeding! So Andy finds out that he took the Merc that we're s'pos to be filming this week and the plates are temporarily under the shows name that's why the police called us. So Andy flips out and he calls James but he doesn't answer for ages until he does and he tells Andy that he's crashed but the line goes dead before he tells us where so we call an ambulance and Andy takes the crew to go search for him and we figure he can't have gone far so I'm sent to the hospital to meet them when they come but I haven't heard from anyone.'**

_'I'll be right there.'_

**'Be careful Jeremy the last thing we need is...'**

_'I'll be careful.'_

**'Okay see you.'**

 

* * *

 

  
(11:20 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Unknown

 

'Hello Sharon speaking?'

_'Hi Sharon it's Jeremy Clarkson. I need a favor, it's an emergency.'_

'What do you need?'

_'I need you to tell me where abouts a Mercedes Benz CL600 was caught doing 120 miles per hour earlier this morning.'_

'Right, um it'll be faster if you have the plate number.'

_'Shit um wait I've got it here in my notes. Ahh it's SMU5912'_

'Okay... right um it says here it was reported speeding on the A371 just out of Alford. Is that all you need?'

_'A371 got it, yeah that's all thanks.'_

'Good luck Jeremy'

_'Thank-you. I'll be in touch'_

 

* * *

 

 

(11:24 AM)

**Anything?**

 

(11:27 AM)

Nothing. How hard can it be to find a fucking car crash.

 

(11:29 AM)

**Check the back roads.**

 

(11:31 AM)

We are. Any idea where he might of been headed?

 

(11:33 AM)

**I wish I did. I hope we find him**

 

(11:35 AM)

We will.

 

* * *

 

(11:59 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Jezza

 

_'Richard I've got him. Driving to the hospital now.'_

**'Thank fuck. How is he?'**

_'Unconscious but I don't see any blood. I'm quarter of an hour away.'_

**'Okay I'll let someone here know. Just concentrate on driving. I'll see you soon.'**

 

* * *

 

  
(8:09 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Andy

 

_'Hi Andy.'_

'Hey Jez, are you still around?'

_'Outside having a smoke.'_

_'_ I'll come out to you in a sec, just finished talking to James' parents might stick around with them here a bit.'

_'Any news?'_

'He's going to be okay. They're just running some post theatre checks then I think they're going to let his parents in.'

_'Might head home then.'_

'I know you care Jez.'

_'Of course I care.'_

'Let me phrase that differently. I know you care more than you would if James was just a collegue that you didn't particularly like'

_'I'm not a monster Andy. I care. I don't have to like him to care if the man dies or not.'_

'Never mind, we'll talk about this later. Go home then, get some sleep.'

_'Is it so hard to believe that Jeremy Fucking Clarkson has a fucking heart? Haven't picked up on that before now have we?'_

'I'm not doing this now Jez. You're tired, we both are. Go home and get some sleep.'

_'Fuck off.'_

 

* * *

 

  
VOICEMAIL MESSAGE: James

(9:44 AM)

'Hi Jez. I've ah I've done something stupid and quite big like I might never fix it you know or get the chance to and I just can't face... I just couldn't face it if I... if something happened and I never did apologize to you or amend things. I don't really know why I'm calling I mean we're supposedly nothing to each other I just find that the thing I want the most right now is to talk to you but we don't talk anymore do we? You're right I am afraid. Afraid I'm going to die in a ditch well at least I'm not in my Bentley. Hey if-'

 

* * *

 

 

(9:58 PM)

_Just got your voice mail message and I've read the papers... Please recover James._

(10:09 PM)

_What happens when someone who never really existed in your life leaves you?_

 

* * *

 

  
Monday 2nd May

_Jeremy_ Andy **  
**

(9:04 AM)

Might want to come down to the hospital mate

 

(9:18 AM)

MISSED CALL: ANDY

(9:23 AM)

MISSED CALL: ANDY

(9:48 AM)

MISSED CALL: ANDY

 

  
(10:07 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Jeremy

 

_'What is it? Whats happened'_

'Don't worry it's nothing bad. He just woke up for a bit.'

_'Oh, good. How is he?'_

'Well he didn't really say much.'

_'Yeah but that's to be expected the man just had a car crash.'_

'To be exact it's more what he said that's puzzling us. He said your name, he said Jez.'

_'Oh. Well I wouldn't call that puzzling.'_

'The guy hates you.'


	4. Chapter 4

Monday 2nd May

_Jeremy_ Andy

 

(11:55 PM)

_'Don't tell him.'_

 

'What? Who is this?'

 

_'Jeremy.'_

 

'Jeremy? What do you want?'

 

_'Don't tell James.'_

 

'Tell James what?'

 

_'That I found him, the other day when he- Just say you found him or whatever. Say what you like.'_

 

'What are you on about?'

 

_'He doesn't like me now, yeah? Think about how it's going to be when he finds out he owes me so much, he owes me his life. He hates me and... I don't know it's just going to be messy.'_

 

'What the fuck happened between you two?'

 

_'Nothing. We just-'_

 

'Nothing my arse. Don't worry Jez you don't have to tell me and I won't tell James you saved him but just quit depriving yourself all the bloody time. You're not selfish you're just human, okay? Okay- oh and stop dragging me into this, thanks.'

 

_'Thanks Andy. You're a good mate.'_

 

'Bloody right, I am'

 

_'Night.'_

 

'Night. Try get some sleep.'

 

_'I'll try.'_

 

* * *

 

Monday 9th May

James _Jeremy_

 

(10:09 AM)

Hi Jez

 

(10:28 AM)

_Hi James_

 

(10:31 AM)

I'm sorry

 

(10:32 AM)

_Don't._

 

(10:33 AM)

I am though. I'm sorry about everything. For everything.

 

(10:36 AM)

_Nothing's your fault. I was an arse_

 

(10:38 AM)

You didn't get so angry that you stole an expensive car then totaled said expensive car.

 

(10:42 AM)

_I may as well of done._

 

(10:46 AM)

Fuck up. 

(10:47 AM)

You don't get to sit there taking all the blame, all the blame that doesn't even belong to you and leave me to feel guilty and shitty. I was the one dumbly giving you the sillent treatment, I made the dumb decision to drive too fast so just leave it okay I accept the blame and I'm sorry

(10:49 AM)

Fuck you Jez. I was supposed to just apologize then we were gonna be mates again

 

(10:53 AM)

_You mean that?_

 

(10:57 AM)

Of course I do. Don't want to get myself nearly killed again, do I?

 

(11:01 AM)

_We can't have that. Especially now it seems you have a taste for actually half decent cars._

 

(11:03 AM)

Right and let me guess we can't have me wrecking all of them?

 

(11:07 AM)

_Stick to the Bentleys, thanks._

(11:10 AM)

_So we're all good?_

 

(11:12 AM)

Yeah, we are.

 

(11:13 AM)

_I knew I'd win you back : >_

 

(11:15 AM)

Don't make me change my mind this early.

(11:16 AM)

Its literally been like 5 minutes.

 

* * *

  
Tuesday 10th May

James  **Richard** **  
**

**'Hi James'**

 

'Hey Richard'

 

**'Just thought I'd check in on you, how are you feeling?'**

 

'Not my best but... alive and thankful for it.'

 

**'Me too. We all are. I know you haven't been here very long but Top Gear just isn't the same without you.'**

 

'That means a lot Richard. I never thought I'd have cause to thank that dumb thing I did in Autocar but I do. I really do.'

 

**'Well I'm glad it had a purpose... I'm just thankful for the fact Jeremy actually used his head for something other than thinking up controversies. It's quite astounding you're still with us to tell you the truth.'**

 

'Sorry, it must be the morphine, but what the hell are you saying?'

 

**'I was just saying how remarkable it was that Jeremy managed to find you so quickly.'**

 

'But Andy found me? You've gotten it wrong.'

 

**'Oh... um but James- wait, what did I get wrong?'**

 

'Andy was the one who found me, not Clarkson. I think I would have remembered.'

 

**'Oh... my mistake?'**

 

'Clarkson didn't even bother to show up to that Car Show.'

 

**'Right, that's right. Sorry James, I've just remembered, I've got to see Andy about something but we'll catch up soon? I'll come visit you, yeah?'**

 

'Yeah, if you find the time. See you Richard.'

 

**'Bye now.'**

* * *

  
Wednesday 11th May

James  _Jeremy_   **Richard**  


 

(12:39 PM)

Change the channel to BBC2 right now!

 

(12:46 PM)

_I'm at work James! What's on?_

 

(12:49 PM)

Oh crud sorry I forgot that other people have lives

(12:52 PM)

I'm in my ward

(12:58 PM)

and Alan Titchmarsh just exploded a fountain

 

(1:03 PM)

_You're watching Ground Force?_

 

(1:08 PM)  
Not by my free will! I was overruled...

(1:12 PM)

Although exploding fountain has its merits

(1:13 PM)

Tommy just swore. It was bleeped but literally all hell has broken loose.

 

(1:16 PM)

 

_Devastated that I'm missing it_

 

(1:19 PM)

Oh you should be.

 

(1:21 PM)

_How's the recovering?_

 

(1:27 PM)

Quite crap if I'm honest. The nurse made me share my date and walnut with everyone

 

(1:34 PM)

_What a bitch. Need me come and punch her where it hurts most?_

(1:35 PM)

_...the monobrow_

 

(1:38 PM)

No but I might take you up on that later

(1:39 PM)

...How could you possibly know about the monobrow!?

 

(1:41 PM)

_Come on James, the infamous cake stealing, monobrowed nurse? Who doesn't know about that cow_

 

(1:43 PM)

You just earned me glare from said nurse for laughing too loudly

 

(1:47 PM)

_Sorry mate you gotta keep your wits about you when the monobrow's around_

(1:49 PM)

_Anyway how are you feeling? Beyond lacking in cake, that is..._

 

(1:52 PM)

Alright, I guess. Worn pretty thin but Mum popped round for a bit which was nice and I'm allowed to sleep a lot which is also nice and the foods not completely life threatening which is... preferable.

 

(1:57 PM)

_When are you allowed out?_

 

(2:00 PM)

A week to 2 was my last notice. I'm pretty bed bound at the moment but long-term nothing's fatally wrong with me

 

(2:04 PM)

_Are you quite sure? Maybe an innocent query regarding the mental illness won't go amiss?_

 

(2:09 PM)

Sorry you've lost me? What mental illness?

 

(2:11 PM)

_James it's nothing to be ashamed of. Just remember there are others out there who are going through what you're going through. You're not the first person to like Bentleys and you're likely to not be the last but ridding the world of this tribulation begins with you._

 

(2:13 PM)

For Christs sake Jez!

 

* * *

 

  
(11:12 AM)

 

INCOMING CALL: Hammond

 

_'Hey'_

 

**'Hey'**

 

_'What's up?'_

 

**'Jeremy can you just do me a favor and listen for a second?'**

 

_'Sure. What is it?'_

 

**'Seriously though, this is gonna be hard enough without you butting in all the time.'**

 

_'I'll keep quiet. Just spit it out.'_

 

**'I want to apologize ... for how I handled things. You were upset and I just kept butting in and tried to get you to fess up and defended my dumb actions with trying to be a good friend but I was a shit friend. I didn't even know how much this texting lark was affecting you until... until- at the hospital and I saw your face as the paramedics pulled James out of the passenger seat of your car and it was suddenly all very real ... Even in the Isle of Mann, I didn't even gage how much you care, I just thought... I don't even know what I thought. You're just Jeremy Fucking Clarkson, you know? And sometimes even I forget that under all that charisma and bullshit there's you, Jez and I'm supposed to be your best fucking friend and I forget that you have feelings and I have the audacity to be pissed of at you when you brush me off. Man, I fucked up. I'm sorry Jeremy ... You can talk now.'**

 

_'Hamster?'_

 

**'...Yeah?'**

 

_'Apology accepted.'_

 

**'God, thank-you Jez.'**

 

_'It's okay. Now let's agree to never do this again.'_

 

**'Deal.'**

* * *

 

  
Thursday 12th May

 

(3:10 PM)

Lets meet.

 

(3:34 PM)

_What?_

 

(3:41 PM)

Would it be so bad if we met?

 

(3:46 PM)

_Maybe not for me but I could be a serial killer_

 

(3:48 PM)

Hey, I could just as easy be a serial killer.

 

(3:52 PM)

_Not quite..._

 

(3:58 PM)

How come?

 

(4:06 PM)

_Your face is on my newspaper._

 

(4:11 PM)

Oh I didn't think about that

(4:13 PM)

Are you saying you're not who you say you are

 

(4:17 PM)

_What does it matter who I say I am? I could be anyone._

 

(4:22 PM)

But we both believe you are who you say you are, yes? We know that to be true?

 

(4:25 PM)

_Well... yeah_

 

(4:29 PM)

So what if we just prove that

 

(4:33 PM)

_And how to you propose we prove that I am who I say I am?_

 

(4:36 PM)

Um well we both work for the BBC, right? So we must have a mutual acquaintance

 

(4:41 PM)

_Who?_

 

(4:47 PM)

I don't know! I'm just going by odds. Who do you know who I'd know?

 

(4:52 PM)

_Um some people at Top Gear? One of the producers maybe?_

 

(4:56 PM)

Andy Wilman, maybe?

 

(5:01 PM)

_Andy... yeah I know Andy._

 

(5:04 PM)

You know someone I know!

(5:05 PM)

This is odd and all very very real.

 

(5:09 PM)

_I do exist out of your phone you know._

 

(5:12 PM)

Yeah but it's weird

 

(5:16 PM)

_Yeah, a bit weird._

 

(5:18 PM)

So get Andy to prove that you exist!

 

(5:20 PM)

_What? How?_

 

(5:23 PM)

Use a code word or something! Like on a bond film

 

(5:26 PM)

_Hang on a second..._

(5:27 PM)

_You want me to contact a man I've only met a few times, THROUGH WORK, and tell him a code word like on a BOND FILM and ask him to relay that back to you to proove that I'm not a SERIAL KILLER?!_

 

(5:29 PM)

Yeah

(5:29 PM)

Don't worry Andy's up for a laugh.

 

* * *

 

  
Friday 13th May

_Jeremy_   **Richard** Andy

 

(1:23 PM)

**Me and Wilman have a wager going. Interested?**

 

(1:34 PM)

_Let's hear it._

 

(1:36 PM)

**Well we were speculating as to why you were reading Pride and Prejudice under your desk. He bet 5 quid that it was for a girl. I however think it's because you're an imbecile.**

 

(1:39 PM)

_Right and how do you intend to distinguish the winner?_

 

(1:42 PM)

**Well, ask you about it, really.**

 

(1:47 PM)

_You're both wrong._

 

(1:50 PM) 

**Oh really?**

(2:01 PM) 

**So why are you reading it then?**

 

(2:06 PM) 

_No reason._

 

(2:11 PM)

**And is it good?**

 

(2:13 PM) 

_I guess._

 

* * *

 

(2:33 PM) 

**Okay so he's reading it for no reason and he's enjoying it. Sounds pretty imbecilic to me.**

 

(2:36 PM)

Really?

 

(2:39 PM)

**Uhuh (:**

 

(2:43 PM) 

Then, despite my best financial interests, I gotta agree with you.

 

(2:48 PM)

**Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaass!**

 

(2:51 PM) 

Get back to work Hammond.

 

(2:53 PM)

**Yes boss.**

* * *

 

  
Sunday 15th May

James  _Jeremy_ Andy

 

(5:49 PM)

 

INCOMING CALL: Andy

 

_''Lo Andy. What's up?'_

 

'Evening Jez. Just a quick reminder that you have that meeting with Richard and the research team on Monday. I heard you didn't make the last one.'

 

_'Right yeah I was going to bring that up with you-'_

 

'Save it.'

 

_'No, no I have a legitimate reason-'_

 

'I said save it... Look Jez, I'm accustomed to handling your antics, okay? -No I'm serious that's my official title now: Clarkson wrangler. I'm prepared to let you do, say and insult as you like as long as it, doesn't. Jeopardize. The. Show. I thought we were both clear on that.'

 

_'Yeah we definietly are-'_

 

'I'm not so sure Jez. Ever since James started with us you've been acting out and I have no idea what's going on nor do I want to just as long as it doesn't jeopardize the show.'

 

_'and it won't.'_

 

'Right, well... good.'

 

_'Yeah.'_

 

'Okay well see you tomorrow-'

 

_'Hang on Andy, there was something... well this isn't the best time.'_

 

'What is it?'

 

_'Uh... a favor. I wanted to call in a favor.'_

 

'Yeah, cause we both know it's me who owes you a tonne of those, not the other way round.'

 

_'Right, well you're right. Anyway, it was nothing.'_

 

'Just ask.'

 

_'Well, could you please relay a message to James for me?'_

 

'What message?'

 

_'Universal Exports would like to notify you that it's time to pluck the Monobrow.'_

 

'What the actual fuck-'

 

_'Just tell him okay and say it's from Jez.'_

 

'You're not making this life easy on me.'

 

_'Sorry, I can txt you the message so you remember.'_

 

'Yeah, cos that's what I was referring to.'

 

_'Yeah, just don't forget. See ya Andy.'_

 

'Clarkson-'

 

* * *

 

(6:03 PM)

_Universal Exports would like to notify you that it's time to pluck the Monobrow_   
_-From Jez_

 

* * *

 

  
FORWARD MESSAGE

(6:04 PM)

Universal Exports would like to notify you that it's time to pluck the Monobrow   
-From Jez

(6:06 PM)

I don't even want to know.

  
(6:33 PM)

Thanks Andy :)

 

(6:37 PM)

Boss of the year, that's me.

 

* * *

 

  
Monday 16th May

James  _Jeremy_ **Richard** Andy

 

(9:08 AM)

He's there?

 

(9:12 AM)

**Yup, definitely here.**

(9:15 AM)

**Not making life easy for the new guy though.**

 

(9:19 AM)

Tell him to lay up. He's only there till James gets back.

 

(9:24 AM)

**Yeah he keeps bringing that up himself actually.**

 

(9:36 AM)

Who thought he'd be missing May of all people...

 

(9:39 AM)

**Is that what's going on?**

 

(9:42 AM)

I know shitall of what's going on!

(9:43 AM)

I thought you did?

 

(9:48 AM)

**Not really.**

 

(9:56 AM)

Well do you know what Universal Exports is?

(9:59 AM)

It's definitely not a British company but an oversees one?

 

(10:01 AM)

**You kidding?**

 

(10:07 AM)

Why the hell would I be kidding?

 

(10:09 AM)

**It's just hard to tell through txts, okay**

(10:11 AM)

**Anyway Universal Exports is the code name for MI6 in the Bond films.**

(10:16 AM)

**You're not trading with them or anything are you? Cause I hate to break this to you but you're probably being scammed**

(10:19 AM)

**Unless you're a secret agent!?**

 

(10:34 AM)

Get back to work Hammond, you're in a meeting remember?

 

(10:38 AM)

**Misuse of authority.**

(10:39 AM)

**Uncalled for.**

 

* * *

 

 

(3:28 PM)

Assignment received comrade

 

(3:36 PM)

_Satisfied?_

 

(3:39 PM)

Not sure...

 

(3:47 PM)

_Great. Well I'm glad to have ruined any chances of ever being hired by Top Gear for such a worthy cause_

 

(3:51 PM)

No I appreciate the effort you went to but...

 

(3:54 PM)

_But?_

 

(3:59 PM)

You used to be a void... just an intangible, nonexistent being I could vent to but it got better cause you could vent back and I didn't have to worry about ever running into you or explaining myself properly cause you were just pixels on a screen and that's all I am to you to. I don't have to give you anything of me except pixels. Which can be erased, moved around, ignored and that's so... refreshing.

 

(4:07 PM)

_And now I'm more than that?_

 

(4:19 PM)

You have been for a while

 

(4:33 PM)

_I'll meet you if you want me to._

 

(4:36 PM)

It appears we're heading that way.

 

(4:40 PM)

_No excuses._

 

(4:46 PM)

You sure you're not a serial killer?

 

(4:49 PM)

_I'm sure._

 

(4:52 PM)

Well in that case there seems to be nothing else for it...

 

* * *

 

Thursday 18th May

_Jeremy_ **Richard**

 

**'Hey was that your Merc I just saw pull into the carpark.'**

 

_'You're at the hospital?'_

 

**'Front entrance.'**

 

_'Right.'_

 

**'You're not visiting James?'**

 

_'Not... strictly, no.'_

 

**'What do you mean?'**

 

' _Well by that I mean I know I'm visiting James and James knows he's visiting someone, the notion that, that someone is me, he has no idea.'_

 

**'You're telling him, you're Jez?'**

 

_'Yes.'_

 

**'Right...'**

 

_'Talk me out of it.'_

 

**'Jeremy, what-'**

 

_'I can't do it Hammond. I'll ruin everything.'_

 

**'You also can't lie to him forever. Don't you think that'll ruin everything?'**

 

_'I know! I know that.'_

 

**'So what are you going to do then?'**

 

_'I'm going to cut short something easy, fun and natural to satisfy some inherited desire to act civilized, honest and boring.'_

 

**'Good luck with that.'**

 

_'You're right, I can't be boring. It'll kill me.'_

 

**'Get your arse in there.'**

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

James  _Jeremy_   **Richard**

 

(1:01 PM)

Hey?

(1:11 PM)

Just received the 5th look of pity from a waitress

(1:13 PM)

I have been stood up in a hospital cafeteria

(1:14 PM)

How'd things get this low?

(1:15 PM)

Might go tell pitying waitress it's not what it looks like

(1:18 PM)

But it is, isn't it?

(1:32 PM)

Would it be fair of me to say I was expecting as much?

 

* * *

 

(3:07 PM)

I keep speculating as to why you didn't come today, yet I can't decide on any damning reason you would stand me up. I tell myself you wouldn't do anything to hurt me but at the moment that's the main argument for why you have, cause I'm blind and dumb. Cause I don't expect it. But still I hope you haven't. Anyway, I pulled myself together and decided to do the mature thing and just ask... So that's what this ridiculous txt is. What happened? whatever the reason I hope we can continue this, cause... I'm rather fond of you Jez.

 

(3:04 PM)

_I'm sorry James. Today didn't go how I intended. It's not your fault, I'm sorry. I know there's things I'm not allowed to ask for, like trust and dependency but could you please just try and understand that if there was any way to be there for you today I would have taken it and if it was possible to tell you the truth I would. I know I'm being a bastard but I'm a sorry one._

 

* * *

 

  
(6:03 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Jezza

 

**'Hi Jeremy'**

_'Hello Richard'_

**'How are you?'**

_'You're allowed to butt in.'_

**'What?'**

_'Quit tiptoeing around and ask whatever it is you want to know.'_

**'Well, um... Obviously I want to know... how did today go?'**

_'Not so good.'_

**'What happened? Wait! I'm mean.. ah, do you want to talk about it?'**

_'For Christ sake Hammond!'_

**'Sorry.'**

_'No, no don't. I can tell you-'_

**'You don't have to.'**

_'I want to you daft git.'_

**'If you're sure.'**

_'I'm sure. So when you left, I went in and he was sitting there in his hospital gown and he was just so... wired. It was like you could breathe in the anticipation so I walk up and a switch is hit and he drops, instantly. His whole face... like I was the person he least wants to see and I am, I know I am but he's seen me now and I go up to him and he tells me to go away, he's waiting for someone. So I wait with him and no one comes because well, you know and we start talking and I can't bear to tell him... I don't even try because its evident he hates me. Even if he hadn't said... what he said it's in everything he does ... So he gets out about all he wants to say and then I leave and then an hour after that I txt him and apologize and I haven't heard back since and everything's a fucking disaster.'_

**'Jeremy-'**

_'I think the thing I hate most of all is that it proves it's not real. I convince myself, that we know each other that we actually like talking to one another and that it will pass over into real life, easy as pie. But what today proved is that it won't. It's all fucking make-believe he doesn't like me. Whoever he likes is not real. He's lost between cellular waves, Jez doesn't exist.'_

**'That's not true. I'm sorry but you're talking shit. You know as well as I do that people that don't know you get this unyielding, preconception of who you are and you play it up for the telly and you think it has become who you are but you're just lying to yourself. Just stop it. Stop hiding behind Jeremy Fucking Clarkson or Jez or your fucking cell phone cause they're all you. You are you, for fuck sake it's not that complicated.'**

_'Richard, is this your idea of advice? I know I'm me.'_

**'Then start fucking acting like it, that's my advice.'**

_'Okay. Be myself, follow my heart. Got it fairy godmother.'_

**'Don't take the piss. Please just, don't.'**

_'Sorry- So... what do I do about James?'_

**'I don't know ... For one stop competing with yourself. Everything Jez has you have so just... be you. Sorry that's really all I got.'**

_'No, I think I know what you're getting at. Thanks Richard.'_

**'Yeah, I'll be here all week.'**

 

* * *

 

(9:49 PM)

Okay.

 

(9:52 PM)

_Just okay?_

 

(10:02 PM)

I don't wanna lose you again Jez. Sure I wanna know more and I thought we were ready to meet but maybe we aren't and that's okay... so okay.

 

(10:06 PM)

_Okay._

 

(10:09 PM)

I was gonna tell you this afternoon but yeah... They let me come home today.

 

(10:13 PM)

_That's good! So you're feeling better?_

 

(10:18 PM)

Yeah a bit. Besides couldn't stand being at the hospital any longer.

 

(10:24 PM)

_James maybe you need to be at the hospital whether you can stand it or not. Are you sure you're feeling all right?_

 

(10:31 PM)

I'm fine! Much better off for being at home! All my ward wanted to watch was fucking gardening shows and they always overulled my vote for the history channel or Never Mind the Buzzcocks or generally anything with a shred of substance

(10:32 PM)

No offense about the gardening thing... Anyway, I'm feeling okay and I've got an appointment next week so it's not like they've sent me home to die or anything like that.

 

(10:37 PM)

_Sorry to be so worried. I just don't like to think of you... suffering while I just joke around not knowing any wiser_

 

(10:41 PM)

I'm fine and if at any point that's no longer the case you'll be the first to know.

 

(10:44 PM)

_I appreciate the thought but I'd prefer it if you let the men with the ambulances know first, then me second after them._

(10:45 PM)

_No wait, me third after whoever's there looking after you._

 

(10:49 PM)

You're not going to happy about this...

 

(10:53 PM)

_I'm 2nd aren't I?_

 

(10:57 PM)

I really am fine and I have really good neighbors

 

(11:01 PM)

_Good neighbors...?? What if something happens?_

(11:02 PM)

_James!!_

(11:04 PM)

_Right, I'm going to..._

 

(11:09 PM)

What are you going to do Jez?

(11:11 PM)

Come round? Wait on me?

(11:12 PM)

Its not like we haven't met

 

(11:18 PM)

_I know..._

(11:19 PM)

_I know!_

(11:21 PM)

_I'm bloody well not going to do nothing!_

 

(11:24 PM)

Was that meant to be reassuring?

(11:31 PM)

Lets not do anything too hasty

(11:36 PM)

I really don't like surprises.

 

(11:39 PM)

_No, this'll be good._

 

(11:43 PM)

Oh god...

 

(11:47 PM)

_: >_

 

(11:48 PM)

My previous statement stands.

 

* * *

 

 

Friday 20th May

James  _Jeremy_   **Richard** Andy

 

(10:13 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Hammond

 

**'Jeremy?'**

_'Hi Hammond, what's up?'_

**'You've got to come down to Dunsford'**

_'It's my day off, tell Wilman he can get-'_

**'No, it's not for work. I wanted to show you something.'**

_'Richard, I really don't have the time to watch you driving around the track in whatever, which car you've managed to persuade the producers to get for you in the pretence of consumer advice.'_

**'Nope, you've got it wrong,. BMW Z4 by the way, Guy found some old footage that I really think you ought to see.'**

_'What footage?'_

**'It's of May's screen test.'**

_'James May?'_

**'The very one.'**

_'Screen test to be on the show?'_

**'Yup.'**

_'Our show?'_

**'Yup.'**

_'James May on Top Gear?'_

**'Yes! Just get your arse down here and have a look'**

_'Are you trying to tell me he's replacing Dawe?'_

**'What?'**

_'Is Jase being fired?'_

**'No, of course not!'**

_'Well what the bleeding hell's going on?'_

**'No you've got it wrong. The screen test is from two years ago. James auditioned the same time Dawe and I did.'**

_'You're joking.'_

**'You don't remember?'**

_'Why should I?'_

**'Well you're in it!'**

_'In what?'_

**'The screen test!'**

_'Okay I'm coming down. I had to drop something in, anyway.'_

 

* * *

 

 

(5:06 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Andy

 

'Hey James how are you feeling?'

'Yeah all right. Itching to get back to work.'

'All in good time, for now, just concentrate on getting better. Listen, I'm only calling cause a parcel was dropped off for you at the office today.'

'A parcel? From?' 

'Um not sure, no one put their hand up to speaking to the courier but it is signed... "J" in place of a return address' 

'Okay well thanks for calling Andy. I'll drop by some time in the weekend and pick it up'

'Well see here's the other thing the box was also marked as perishable... you're not going to particularly like this but Jeremy offered to drop it in to you on his way home. He's on his way now actually.'

'Oh. I thought Clarkson lived out Oxfordshire way'

'Yeah he does but he seemed quite adamant that the parcel got to you. God knows why'

'Oh that's... nice of him'

'Yeah, look I know you're not particularly fond of him but Jeremy's a good guy. In a lot of aspects he's a terrible person but he's a good guy you have to give him that.' 

'Please don't try sell him to me Andy. I don't understand this sodding urgency everyone has that we get on.'

'I don't know... we're just a team here at Top Gear and to be honest I'm not sure how many seasons we've got left. So, sorry for playing matchmaker I just thought that if everyone's united as a team we'd... hang on a bit longer. I don't know! I'm just trying all that I can right now.'

'Wait what? I thought our ratings were good?'

'They are, well mostly. Don't tell the guys I told you this but they're not sold on the presenters. So anything that you can do to make Jezza's life easier, I know he doesn't deserve special treatment, but it would make my life a tonne of a lot easier' 

'Right. Duily noted.'

'Thanks May. He's been really out of sorts recently I've no idea what's going on'

'Well I'm not bullying him or anything if that's what you're suggesting.'

'Oh no, no. I know you're all above that. This started before you joined us anyway so no ones blaming you. Okay so I better be off, Jeremy said he'd leave the parcel on you doorstep so listen out for the bell'

'Will do. Thanks Andy'

'Don't mention it. Hope you get back on your feet soon'

 

* * *

  
(5:28 PM)

  
*DING DONG*

(5:30 PM)

'Jeremy! Jeremy, hang on a second.'

_'May get back inside you're recovering from a car crash, remember?'_

'I know that. I just wanted to say thanks'

_'For?'_

'For... dropping this off.'

_'That's alright. It's from your friend isn't it. The one at the hospital? Or noticeably, not... at the hospital, that is."_

'...Yeah I think so.'

_'I hope you'll be happy together'_

'Jeremy wait. We don't actually know each other. We met-- God, I don't know why I'm telling you this but we met--'

_'Let me guess on the internet?'_

'No! No, nothing like that... I texted him accidentally a couple months ago and we just... text each other. We've never actually met'

_'Him.'_

'What?'

_'It's a him?'_

'Yeah.'

_'Be careful May'_

'What..? I don't need you looking out for me, Clarkson.'

_'It's just that... these people, they're not always who you think they are'_

'I know exactly who he is.'

_'I highly doubt that.'_

'I do. He's kind and funny and caring. And he makes coming to work and seeing your smug face and hearing your trite bearable because he's everything you're not.'

_'...Right. Well I'm glad you have him then'_

'Me too'

_'Well I better be off.'_

'Night.'

 

* * *

 

  
James' care package

Contents:

  
Date and walnut cake  
Steamliners of Britain DVD  
Bottle of Pinot Gris   
Model of a Aston Martin DB9 1964

_Dear James,_

_Here's just a couple of things to help make you feel less rotten_

_Yours,_

_Jez._  
_P.S The aston's to remind you what a real car looks like_  
_P.S.S Unsure if your allowed the alcohol... if you're not just ignore it for a bit (I hear they taste better that way anyhow)_

 

* * *

 

 

(6:04 PM)

Jez, I just got your parcel and

 

(6:15 PM)

_And it's a fat load of help if your kidney fails... I know_

 

(6:17 PM)

Um... Sorry wait how do you know about my kidney failure?

 

(6:22 PM)

_Papers._

 

(6:26 PM)

Oh

(6:27 PM)

Sorry I just underestimated the paps for a second and I guess the parcel reminded me of how... out of reach you are, I guess. In the physical sense that is.

(6:29 PM)

Thank-you by the way.

 

(6:34 PM)

_T'is my pleasure._

 

(6:37 PM)

No really. You should know, it's the kindest thing anyones done for me in quite a while

 

(6:42 PM)

_James, you're welcome._

(6:44 PM)

_I'm glad we're... talking again._

 

(6:46 PM)

Me too.

 

* * *

 

 

Saturday 21st May

James  _Jeremy_ **Richard** _  
_

 

(7:09 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Hammond

 

**'Hey, about that footage, you think James remembers?'**

_'You think?'_

**'Well, it wasn't that bad.'**

_'It was awful. I completely ruined any chance he had.'_

**'Hey, it's just a job.'**

_'Just a job? Imagine where you'd be without it. Probably still on Radio Lancashire with your fucking floppy haircut and your double mortgage.'_

**'All right, you've got a point but you still can't hold yourself accountable.'**

_'Wilman said he was looking for chemistry. I remember that morning he said to me "go about it like you're trying to be mates with these guys, poke fun" He said, and what do I go do? Play it out like a fucking game. Make the poor bastards work for it for no other reason than the fact I put myself on a fucking pedestal and needed some entertainment.'_

**'You really weren't that bad-'**

_'Quit defending me Richard. Anyway, it's not what I did, well it is but it's more why I did it. I remember now, I didn't want James to get that job and I ensured he didn't.'_

**'You didn't want James, how come?'**

_'I could put it down to the haircut, the dress sense or the music degree. Hell, that's probably what I told myself back then but it's worse than that. Before the shoot, we were all waiting in the portacabin and I go out for a smoke and James is there on his phone. He ends the conversation with some affectionate goodbye and I ask him if it's his girlfriend or wife or whatever and James, in his awkward way tells me that no, actually it was his boyfriend wishing him luck or whatever. I'm not trying to make excuses but I don't know what came over me. I had never had a problem with gays before maybe I was a bit naive but I had hardly even thought much about it. But that day, the fact that James had a boyfriend incoherently bothered me so much so, I couldn't stand the fact, let alone have him on Top Gear. So I was particularly obtuse during his screen test. I made sure James didn't get the job due to a temporal bout of homophobia which I have not experienced since.'_

**'You should tell him. Tell James and apologies, he'll understand.'**

_'He won't.'_

**'You're not homophobic.'**

_'I'm glad one of us thinks so.'_

**'You know what I think?'**

_'I think you're about to tell me exactly what.'_

**'I think you were just jealous.'**

_'Jealous? Of what?'_

**'Not of what, of who.'**

_'I can see what you insinuating and-'_

**'You can, can you? That's fantastic! How about you act on it rather than continue this fucking anonymous correspondence which everyone involved is decidedly too old for, especially me.'**

_'Richard, I can't- I'm not-'_

**'I know, I'm sorry.'**

_'Yeah, me too.'_

 

* * *

 

 

(11:27 PM)

Hey

 

(11:34 PM)

_Hi_

 

(11:39 PM)

I'm glad you replied.

 

(11:42 PM)

_Need to talk?_

 

(11:48 PM)

Not exactly...

(11:50 PM)

Needed to know someone would answer.

 

(11:53 PM)

_I know what you mean._

(11:54 PM)

_Like I always feel the most lonely in the times where I know I should feel the most complacent or happy_

 

(11:59 PM)

Is it deep conversation night?

 

(12:03 AM)

_Hey, you started it._

 

(12:06 AM)

Oh yeah, sorry

 

(12:11 AM)

_No harm done._

 

(12:14 AM)

It's definitely too late for that. 


	6. Chapter 6

Saturday 4th June

**Richard** Andy

 

(12:04 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Andy

  
'Where's Clarkson'

**'Hi Andy, I'm fine thanks and you?** '

'Sorry I'm too tired for niceties.'

**'And I'm tired of being treated like Clarkson's PA. Care to trade jobs?'**

'Not for all the money in the world. So no idea as to where he's got to then?'

**'I didn't say that. Rather annoyingly, I do know. He's in Milan.'**

'Milan? You're not fucking serious.'

**'Fraid so. But surely if he's done all his homework and he's back by Monday all's fine. It's not like you have us on house arrest. Wait, ignore that last bit, I'd hate to give you ideas.'**

'Yes, but I run the production of a television show, not a branch of Greggs. Things happen, besides Clarkson never has his script in on time.'

**'Well may this occasion be forever embellished in the pages of lazy bastard history'**

'You're joking.'

**'I recall him declaring that he had it finished and given to James to fill in any holes.'**

'And by holes you mean categorical references to the car and its manufacturer and all the stats and numbers that give this show any shred of factual substance?'

**'You know Clarkson.'**

'So he's cast his script off onto May to shoot off to Milan without telling anyone?'

**'The man has priorities.'**

'I'm going to kill him.'

**'I'm sorry to deprive you of that honor but I think James has first dibs'**

'What the hell's James going to do? Silent treatment him to death?'

**'I dunno, put yourself in the man's shoes. You work with a blithering oaf all week long who is stubborn and arrogant and assures you that he's more than capable of writing his own script so you dutifully leave him to his own devices only to find, late one Friday evening a script, unfinished and left wanting, sitting in your inbox and that your insufferable colleague has jetted off to sunny Milan for the weekend. I'd be feeling pretty murderous.'**

'All right I see your point so you propose we...?'

**'Sit back and enjoy the show?'**

'Oh this'll be good.'

 

* * *

 

 

Monday 6th June

_Jeremy_   **Richard** Andy Jason

 

(9:12 AM)

_Hey I'm going to be late._

 

(9:14 AM)

 **Present tense: you are late**.

 

(9:19 AM)  
 _Just tell someone more important than you that I'm coming._

 

(9:23 AM)

**You better hurry up. The camera men want to start their filming by 11. Something about an optimal light window?**

 

(9:33 AM)

_We're not filming today?_

 

(9:39 AM)

**Well if you read your emails you'd know we're doing the run-through of the studio stuff and that bit on the track today.**

 

(9:44 AM)

_Andy has properly lost his mind this time._

 

(9:51 AM)

**I think he just wants to make the best revenge by utilizing you in your hungover state.**

 

(10:03 AM)

_I'm not hungover._

 

(10:08 AM)

**You realize I can hear you harass the coffee machine from here?**

 

 

(10:24 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Jeremy

 

_'Richard?'_

**'Hi Jeremy.'**

_'Andy's just called me in for a chat. Can you tell one of the production assistants to print off my script for me.'_

**'Oh James has already done it.'**

_'James?'_

**'Yeah, spaniel-looking bloke that hates you?'**

_'I know who is. Thanks though, for the ample description. He printed off my script?'_

**'Maybe he's warming to you?'**

_'I find that hard to believe.'_

**'Yeah, doesn't make sense to me either.'**

_'Well whatever. Tell him thanks. I'll see you in the hangar.'_

**'Yup, bye.'**

 

* * *

 

 

(11:37)

_"Right and here we have the newest contraption to be released out of the Mazda garage, the rx8 and I think it's safe to say that the thing is ugly. The problem lies in its door handles which are... ugly. And um according to this consumer review board it resonates an... ugliness. Right... wouldn't you agree Richard, Dawe?"_

**"Um, well it doesn't scream originality but-"**

"But that doesn't exactly constitute three uglies."

**"And what's wrong with its door handles!"**

_"Anyway, looking past its looks it's not very fast either. Topping at a speed of... 121.6667 miles per hour... apparently."_

**"That's the exact top speed is it?"**

_"Yeah..."_

**"Right thank-you Jeremy for specifying that to 4 decimal places. Anyway moving on- it should come up on the screen, yup here it is the Citreon C3!"**

...

_"Oh my line! Sorry um the C3 well what can I say it's just um..."_

"Let me guess, ugly?"

 

* * *

 

 

  
(1:34 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Andy

'You're either hiding or you've left and after that performance you better be crying in a corner somewhere cause if you've done a runner I'll be even more livid than I am now.'

_'I'm still at Dunsford. I'll come out for the track bit.'_

'Don't bother I've cancelled it. I'm not having you wasting my time Clarkson or my cameramens' time. You're hungover, unprepared and unprofessional. What do you have to say for yourself?'

_'It's not my fault. I mean if Dawe could actually react more like a human and less like a wall and if May possessed a shred of the notion of what normal people constitute as entertaining we wouldn't be in this mess.'_

'That's it, is it?'

_'Yeah.'_

'You're resorting to the blame game. You're defen-'

_'Hang on! Okay, I agree that wasn't my best form but it's salvageable. It'll be fine by Saturday.'_

'It was shit. The whole thing was shit.'

_'Okay I'm sorry. That's what you want is it?'_

'No, I don't mind a bit of tolerance, Jeremy. We're mates and the concept of the show relies on fun to work but the serious bits go with that and I can't tolerate this level of pigheadedness. I just can't. Sometimes I wonder if you even care anymore.'

_'So?'_

'So nothing.'

_'No. So I'm given the boot, so I'm put in the naughty corner. Not, "so nothing."'_

'I'm not going to fire you Jeremy.'

_'I'd deserve it.'_

'Hang on a second. It was a rehearsal and you didn't even say something out of line.'

_'You were calling me pigheaded a second ago.'_

'I just want you to give a rats arse okay? Firing you will solve nothing, how easy do you think it is to find someone prepared to work with Hammond? I'll give you a hint, not very."

_'That's not funny.'_

'Just go home and sleep it off okay. And if you don't care anymore that's really... disappointing but whatever just fucking act like it, understood?'

_'Understood.'_

'Bye Jez.'

 

* * *

 

 

(8:09 PM)

to: jamesdmay87@xtra.co.uk  
from: jeremyclarkson@topgear.bbc.uk  
subject: are you trying to get me sacked?

May,  
I'm sorry for the way I handled things on friday. Something came up and I had to leave the country rather abruptly. I had intended to finish my script on my own but seeing as I was unavoidably detained and that you are a researcher employed on the basis that you are capable of doing some research I was under the misconception that you would be available to do mine for me. I assure you I won't make this mistake in the future after the disaster today.

I suggest, in the re-occurrence of such an issue, that you act like a grown man rather than an emotionally stunted child and express your (pathetically hurt) feelings over having to lift a finger rather than throw anymore tantrums. I hope it delights you to know that sabotaging my script was not received well by Andy and that I'm furious that I should be threatened of losing my job for merely requesting you do yours and relying on the notion you could do it professionally.

Expect no such requests in the future,

Jeremy Clarkson.

 

* * *

 

 

Tuesday 9th June

James _Jeremy_   **Richard** Andy

 

(9:13 AM)

to: jeremyclarkson@topgear.bbc.uk  
from: jamesdmay87@xtra.co.uk   
subject: RE: are you trying to get me sacked?

I don't take to being bullied, Clarkson or walked all over. If you wish to write your own scripts that's fine with me, preferable even. It makes my job a lot easier. That is, until you decide that in fact you do want me to write your scripts only, when it suits you. Well I'm telling you now this arrangement does not suit me in the least.

It comes as no surprise to me that your selfish mind glazed over the possibility that I as well might have been "unavoidably detained" over the weekend. Well, I was. Not with the prospect of a sunny weekend in Milan, nonetheless, however inferior it may sound to the likes of the great Jeremy Clarkson, I have a life of my own and finishing your work like a bullied 3rd former really can't fit into that.

Glad to hear I have less reason to communicate with you,

-James

P.S Evidently someone at the BBC with a lot of power and not much taste finds you, unfortunately (and mistakenly) impeccable to the success of the show so I wouldn't be too worried over losing your job if I was you (perish the thought.)

 

* * *

 

  
(9:32 AM)

INCOMING CALL: James

'Hi Andy.'

'If you're going to be late it's fine. I haven't arrived yet.'

'No I'm here already, been so for 20 minutes. I just needed to talk to you about something.'

'About what?'

'Well, Clarkson. I may have meddled with his script a bit yesterday and you shouldn't give him a hard time about that. I did it out of spite and I realize now that I shouldn't have jeopardized the show for any personal vendetta I may or may not have and I'm regrettably sorry.'

'James, I know you meddled with Jeremy's script, rightly so and yeah I gave him a bit of stick but he deserved that too so I've got no problem.'

'Yeah but you told me to go easy on Clarkson. You said you wanted us to be family and I've gone against that.'

'Families mess with each other James.'

'Yeah but this was no sibling squabble my-'

'That's what it looked like to me.'

'Really?'

'Well not exactly but I don't think either of you will appreciate me making that assumption.'

'Um? Excuse me, Andy?'

'Never mind. I'll be in, in a sec. Try not jump down each others throats in my absence.'

'Yeah 'course not.'

'I was joking James! Never mind. See you soon.'

'Oh sorry. Yeah, bye.'

 

* * *

 

 

(2:47 PM)

_Hi there_

 

(2:51 PM)

Good afternoon

(2:53 PM)

I was just about to txt you myself actually

 

(3:01 PM)

_Arrgh!_

(3:02 PM)

_I can't do this_

(3:04 PM)

_I can't be this evil_

(3:06 PM)

_Curse my angelic nature_

 

(3:09 PM)

Um?

 

(3:12 PM)

_Right, sorry what I mean to say is I'm not actually Jez (;_

 

(3:16 PM)

Right... so who are you?

 

(3:18 PM)

_Only, quite possibly, the most important person in his dreary and dismal existence._

 

(3:24 PM)

Of course. Silly of me to ask.

(3:25 PM)

I'm James by the way

 

(3:28 PM)

_Oh I know_

(3:30 PM)

_He's told me about you (;_

 

(3:37 PM)

Oh.

(3:38 PM)

What was your name again?

 

(3:41 PM)

_I'd prefer to remain incognito... if you don't mind_

 

(3:47 PM)

Well Jez hasn't mentioned having an interfering, anonymous friend

 

(3:49 PM)

_I _truly am genuine._  
_

(3:49 PM) 

_It must have just slipped his mind_

(3:51 PM)

_I am a really important part of his life_

 

(3:59 PM)

And is this why you've stolen his cell phone?

 

(4:02 PM)

 _I didn't steal it!_

(4:03 PM)

_It's his fault for leaving it unattended and in my vicinity_

 

(4:08 PM)

So you just had to pick it up and txt me, did you?

 

(4:12 PM)

_Yeah well, all jokes aside there was something I wanted to say... or type into this tiny screen_

 

(4:16 PM)

I'm listening (squinting at said tiny screen)

 

(4:24 PM)

_Well, when Jez first told me about you I was, to be quite honest, a little confused. Jez is a lot of things but he's in no way a minimalist. Like there's not many things he does hardheartedly least not... relationships or whatever you're calling this. My guess is your opting not to label it which is cool but my point stands, the Jez I know shouldn't be sated with a few txts here and there but that's the confusing thing cause he is, more than sated, he's absolutely chuffed with himself I mean like all the bleeding time it's rather annoying actually. But I'm happy for him, really happy but quite worried too. Cause if this is the level of feeling I'm seeing when you're txting each other I'm not prepared for how he'll fare when you actually do meet. Specifically, if you meet and you find he's different to the man you have in your head. This funny, captivating man who doesn't have needs or problems who you can engage when it suits you and turn off when it doesn't. And you resent him for not being this man, for not being so low maintenance or he resents you for similar reasons and you end up hurting each other. It'll devastate him to loose what he never had yet was in touch with countless times daily. It'll be torture. And I'm not saying this to scare you or meddle or anything I just want you to realize that if the phrase 'nothing to lose' ever applied to you two meeting it definitely doesn't now, believe me if you knew what I did at this end you'd understand... or maybe you wouldn't. I just want you to know all this cause... it's not that Jez wouldn't have told you himself... normally he'd tell you in his own outspoken way but you don't really have a chance to speak without filter through txt like this. Anything can be reconsidered then deleted and rewritten so... yeah._

 

(4:37 PM)

Okay that's a lot to take in.

 

(4:39 PM)

_Feel free to print it off and highlight the important bits._

 

(4:41 PM)

Thanks, I can tell you're a really good mate. I'm glad he has you

 

(4:43 PM)

_Yeah just while we're on this subject you should know I'm going to delete these txts... you can tell him I talked to you I just don't want him to use any of this against me. He's got enough ammunition as it is_

 

(4:47 PM)

Haha fair play. He's been gone a while.

 

(4:51 PM)

_I may be hiding in a closet with his phone..._

(4:58 PM)

_In my defense I had quite a lot on my chest and I'm told it's not healthy to bottle it up for too long_

 

(5:01 PM)

You care about him

 

(5:08 PM)

_Quite a lot, yeah_

(5:09 PM)

_FOOTSTEPS!_

(5:11 PM)

_...I may have been discovered_

(5:12 PM)

_Thanks for taking that so well James. I better let you go just to be safe_

 

(5:14 PM)

Bye then. I hope we get another chance to chat. You seem alright

 

(5:15 PM)

_Yeah you too._

 

* * *

 

 

(7:19 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Jeremy

 

_'Want to tell me what you were doing with my phone yet?'_

**'I told you! I was playing hide n seek with the interns and I needed a phone because I'm the best at hiding but just in case I was too good and someone needed me I needed to contactable and my phone died so...'**

_'Yeah I still don't believe that.'_

**'Just ask the interns!'**

_'I did.'_

**'And?'**

_'They said "We'd never muck about on company time no, sir Mr Clarkson sir."'_

**'They didn't say that!'**

_'I may have exaggerated the innocent tone a little but they really did, word for word.'_

**'"No, sir Mr Clarkson sir"?'**

_'They know to treat me with respect okay? Maybe it's because I don't use them as pawns in my plot to steal my mates cellphone.'_

**'Fine! I stole your phone. I'm sorry.'**

_'Well apology not accepted. Tell me what you were doing with it.'_

**'Nothing!'**

_'Did you text Francie again?'_

**'Jeremy, you know I wouldn't.'**

_'DO I? You've done it before.'_

**'I know! But that was ages ago and a disaster I'm not completely brain dead.'**

_'Yeah but you're not above minding your own business so tell me what the fuck did you do.'_

**'I txted May.'**

_'May? What for? You realise you work with the man?'_

**'Yeah I wanted to scope him out from your end. People act differently over their phones.'**

_'Yeah like if we were talking face to face right now you'd find my hands around your neck but we just have to deal without those sort of conversational cues.'_

**'...Right exactly. I just wanted to see if he was genuine.'**

_'You don't think I can see that for myself?'_

**'Yes but... this isn't about you-'**

_'Not about me? My life's not about me, now is it? Would you care to tell me who it is about, cause I feel I have the right to know, it being my life and all.'_

**'That's not what I meant Jeremy. I know you can look after yourself but that doesn't stop me caring... I wanted to know for sure that he was alright because it's not like you give me any inkling to what's going on and I can't see it unfold in front of me. You have to understand that all I see is you two hating each other and that's a worrying sight so I just had to know. And I take it back, I'm not apologizing for that.'**

_'You should have just said. I would have given you my phone or talked to you about it. This whole thing relies on communication and we keep fucking it up again and again.'_

**'I know, okay? I know! I just didn't want you to think I was sticking my nose in and I needed free reigns...'**

_'Okay what the fuck did you say?'_

**'Oh sorry Jez I've got to go and... feed the animals.'**

_'It's the evening!'_

**'Yeah... they're nocturnal.'**

_'Richard don't you dare hang up you bas-'_

 

* * *

 

 

Wednesday 10th June

James  _Jeremy_ **Richard** Andy

 

(12:29 PM)

Have you seen my car?

 

(12:32 PM)

Bentley T2. Would hate to live with it but very nice

 

(12:38 PM)

Funny!

(12:39 PM)

but I genuinely don't know where my car is

 

(12:39 PM)

 

INCOMING CALL: Andy

 

'Where'd you park?'

'In my usual spot. Down the west side of the building.'

'And it's not there?'

'I'm not an idiot Andy. Where have you moved it?'

'I haven't.'

'Just talked to Brian, he said you needed the spot free.'

'Oh shit.'

'Andy? What's going on.'

'I'm sorry James really any damage done the BBC will cover.'

'What damage? What's happened to my car?'

'Jeremy's got it.'

'No.'

'You should have known what you're dealing with.'

'What I'm dealing- this isn't my fault. Where is he?'

'I don't think you need to see this.'

'See what? Tell me where that pillock is with my car.'

'He's got it on the track... James??'

 

* * *

 

 

(2:03 PM)

 

INCOMING CALL: Richard

**'Why is it that whenever there's a throw down I'm always somewhere else?'**

'Because no one wants you interfering?'

**'That was rhetorical! Never mind, now you have to tell me what happened.'**

'You really didn't miss much. Jez took James' precious Bentley, drove it around the track. James found out got mad at Clarkson. I made Clarkson apologize not sure how smoothly that went but my best guess is not very because they're somehow talking to each other even less than before.'

**'Right.'**

'Promise me you'll stay out of it, Hammond.'

**'I'll stay out of it.'**

'Yeah you say that but...'

**'But nothing. I'll just have a wee chat to James.'**

'That sounds like staying, very much, in it.'

**'Oh pish posh.'**

'What does that even mean?'

**'Toodaloo!'**

 

* * *

 

 

(8:17 PM)

 

INCOMING CALL: Private number

'Hello James speaking'

_'...Hi.'_

'Clarkson?'

_'Yeah?'_

'How'd you get my home number?'

_'Richard.'_

'Bastard. Well what do you want then?'

_'To say sorry.'_

'You already have.'

_'Yeah but I wanted to say- I couldn't in front of Andy.'_

'You wanted to say, oh sorry I took you car James it's just that I'm a maniac and immature and mainly run off adrenaline and and my stifling homophobia. Yeah, I can hear how that-'

_'I didn't take you car cause I'm homophobic.'_

'God just admit it man!'

_'I didn't.'_

'No? Like you didn't ruin my chance to be a presenter cause you're homophobic?'

_'No of course not. I did neither of those things.'_

'Right, it was just a coincidence you no longer wanted to speak to me after you found out I had a boyfriend, then was it?'

_'Well no, that wasn't a coincidence.'_

'You're a disgusting bigot of a man you know that? You are so stuck-'

_'I was attracted to you.'_

'What?'

_'That day when you auditioned. I took to you. I couldn't explain it. Still can't, probably but something about you was just... indescribably captivating to me and when I found out you were gay and with someone it steered me to come to a conclusion about what I was feeling about you and I'm still not sure whether it was the right one but it's safe to say it shocked me. You became suddenly so accessible while not being accessible at all and I had only known you for half an hour and you were a gay and I... So I did the safe thing and just shut you out. I didn't want you to not get the job, I didn't even think about it. I should have done. I knew Andy was looking for chemistry but I just couldn't bare to connect with you. I don't know maybe that was a little homophobic, I don't know! I was just so fucking confused.'_

'This is a new low Clarkson.'

_'What?'_

'Confessing to be in love with me to save your reputation.'

_'That's not it.'_

'You want my pity then?'

_'No.'_

'You want to get away with car theft then? Oh don't mind the great Jeremy Clarkson he can take whoevers car he wants because he's very important and he's doing it out of love, don't you know?'

_'No, I want none of those things from you. I took your car for payback okay. You ruined my script, I hoon around the track in your favorite toy. Immature, I know but I thought it'd be best to pay you back in kind since emailing you like an adult went so well.'_

'Bullying me doesn't constitute as being an adult.'

_'...You're right and I'm sorry. I was upset and I shouldn't have said those things or take your car. That was uncalled for. I know- well I've heard it means a lot to you and it was wrong of me to risk that for a laugh. Sorry.'_

'You're apologizing?'

_'Yeah.'_

'What are you playing at?'

_'What do you mean? Nothing.'_

'What are you banking on here, Clarkson?'

_'Nothing!'_

'You say you're attracted to me then apologize. It doesn't add up, what's you agenda?'

_'My agenda is that I'm trying to do the right thing.'_

'You're so full of it Clarkson.'

_'I am, am I?'_

'Yeah.'

_'Well I'm sorry I'm not as horrible as you thought-'_

'That's not the problem here.'

_'No, the problem here is that you're too quick to call me a bigot while resenting me for surpassing your unjustifiably low expectations of who I am.'_

'I have no expectations. I know you Clarkson. You're-'

_'You don't know me.'_

'Don't tell me that-'

_'No, knowing people requires you giving them a chance and not once have you let me- no fuck it. Keep your close minded opinions. I'm through with appealing to you as a person because you're never going to give me the time of day are you? You're not. You're too blinded by a single mistake on my part, made years ago. And I've explained myself and apologized so that's me done. The balls in your court May.'_

'Fuck off.'

_'Gladly.'_


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Usually I'm against before/after notes on the basis that me apologizing for my punctuality really has nothing to do with this story but I am really sorry and I'll try be a little prompter!! Thank-you though for your words despite my lack of them ;-) and I hope you enjoy this chapter with the thought that the next one isn't too far behind!
> 
> Oh and while I've started this note I may as well mention... that this is all made up and I have really no idea why Jason Dawe left Top Gear so don't take any of this to the bank really, is what I'm saying
> 
> p.s I'm going to delete this note after this story's completed cos I really do dislike this function. Although, actually...

Saturday 13th June

James  **Richard** Andy

  
(4:33 PM)

INCOMING CALL: James

**'Hello?'**

'Hi Richard, just thought I'd take you up on that offer of drinks and takeout. I'll get the drinks?'

**'Yeah alright, sounds good.'**

'Is everything alright?'

**'Yeah, I'm fine.'**

'Mmm, you sound it.'

**'Just not too happy with you at the moment. T'is all.'**

'Well we don't have to hang out?'

**'No, I want to.'**

'Well I don't if you'll be sulking the whole time.'

**'I'm not sulking!'**

'Tell me what's bothering you then, if you must.'

**'I want you to lay off Clarkson.'**

'Clarkson? I thought you were on my side?'

**'I'm not on anybodies side.'**

'The moron stole my car and I should be allowed to berate him as I see fit.'

**'You really upset him.'**

'I'm finding that hard to believe.'

**'Why?'**

'Why? I just can't see mans man Clarkson going off, crying to you that meanie Mr May yelled at him. This is nonsense. Forget about catching up tonight, bye Richard.'

**'Hang on May.'**

'What is it now?'

**'Is it nonsense that Clarkson cares about what you think of him?'**

'That's a load of shit and you know it. Clarkson thinks of no one but himself.'

**'How could you be so- I tell you what, he definitely wasn't thinking of himself when he pulled you out of that car wreck.'**

'What?'

**'Shit.'**

'What are you getting at Hammond?'

**'Nothing, nothing! Shit.'**

'Jeremy pulled me out of the car-'

**'I wasn't supposed to tell you that.'**

'But it's the truth?'

**'Look, May... why don't you bring this up with Clarkson? I've put my foot in enough as it is. Talk to him- or don't. Just stop being so fucking childish, no don't argue I'm going to hang up now. Okay, bye.'**

'...Bye then.'

 

* * *

 

 

(7:56 PM)  
INCOMING CALL: May

 

'You didn't save my life?'

'No.'

'You lied to me?'

'It wasn't my idea.'

'Whose then?'

'I think you know.'

'You talked to Rich?'

'I did, yeah.'

'You think I should talk to him?'

'I think you should apologize to him. After that? Is really none of my business. Just, if you think you're going to quit, just don't leave me in the lurch.'

'This has all gotten out of hand. I'm not gunna quit, I just don't like you guys going behind my back, that's all.'

'Is it, really?

'Yeah what else would it be?'

'Okay, if you say so but talk to Clarkson.'

'I will.'

'Right. Talk soon, yeah?'

'Yeah. Bye.'

 

* * *

 

 

Sunday 14th June

James _Jeremy_ **Richard** _ **  
**_

 

(10:11 PM)

Are you up?

 

(10:42 PM)

_Pretty much_

 

(10:43 PM)

Can we talk?

 

(10:45 PM)

_Of course_

(10:45 PM)

_Wait_

(10:46 PM)

_You mean on the phone?_

 

(10:48 PM)

No, just like this

 

(10:50 PM)

_What's on your mind?_

 

(10:54 PM)

I've been, unjustly and immaturely resenting someone for a couple of years before I really even knew him and now I sorta do and I was horrible to him and it turns out he saved my life. Not figuratively. He properly stopped me from being killed except I didn't know! If I did I would of treated him different and then I found out that he hadn't wronged me like I thought he had so I have been so unfair to him on two accounts really and I know I should apologize but I can't think how, not when I was such an utter prick

(10:58 PM)

Are you following?

(10:59 PM)

I know it seems like a fucking cop-out not saying sorry because it seems too big a thing to say sorry for but every time I try I just cower in shame

 

(11:06 PM)

_Wait, somethings come up. Give me 10_

(11:08 PM)

_Don't take that in a 'your problems aren't top priority' way_

(11:09 PM)

_I just need to sort something out really quick_

 

(11:13 PM)

Oh okay

(11:14 PM)

It's really no big deal, like I know how to sort out my own problems so don't worry about it.

 

* * *

 

 

(11:10 PM)

 

INCOMING CALL: Jeremy

 

**'Who is it?'**

_'Richard, I need your help?'_

**'Jez, I just got into bed. Get a taxi.'**

_'I'm sober and shocked that that's how highly you think of me.'_

**'Oh sorry mate, I mean it is 11 pm'**

_'Yeah I know. I need a favor.'_

**'Right... what is it?'**

_'I need you, as an impartial party, to txt James off my phone again although this time actually pretending to be me, giving advice to James on how to go about apologizing to the other me.'_

**'Wait, can you repeat that?'**

_'It'll be easier in person. Mind if I pop round?'_

**'Ummm, okay fine, that's fine.'**

_'Thank-you so much Richard.'_

**'Yeah see you'**

_'Yup see you soon.'_

 

* * *

 

 

(11:37 PM)

_Sorry about that_

 

(11:41 PM)

That's okay. Is everything sorted?

 

(11:43 PM)

_Yeah but look I'm really sorry. That couldn't of happened at a worse time_

 

(11:47 PM)

It really is all fine

 

(11:49 PM)

_Right so are you ready for this advice that I, as an impartial party, wholly unbiased yet unbearably wise am about to bestow upon you?_

 

(11:51 PM)

Oh god.

 

(11:53 PM)

_Seriously though?_

 

(11:54 PM)

Right what do you think I should do? Before this gets even more out of hand

 

(11:57 PM)

_I think you should just be wholeheartedly up front about it and the situation._

(11:58 PM)

_I mean, admit that it's hard. Don't be scared to be human. Be ashamed and be honest and genuine and he should forgive you if he has any scrap of common sense_

(11:59 PM)

_Just show a little humility, I guess_

 

(12:01 PM)

Right.

(12:02 PM)

So don't be a robot?

 

(12:05 PM)

_Yeah a robots probably the worse thing you could be in this situation admittedly not in all situations but it'd be pretty cruddy in this particular instance._

(12:06 PM)

_...I hope that helps._

 

(12:09 PM)

It does, most definitely

(12:11 PM)

I think on some level I knew that was the right thing to do but you confirming it has really just... helped.

(12:12 PM)

Oh and thanks

 

(12:14 PM)

_Don't mention it._

 

(12:18 PM)

You're rather good at this advice giving lark

  
(12:20 PM)

_Why , thank-you_

(12:21 PM)

_You could say I get a lot of practice at work especially with the so called "talent"_

 

(12:23 PM)

The gardeners come to you for advice a lot do they?

 

(12:25 PM)

Oh, don't get me started on the blimmin' gardeners.

 

* * *

 

  
Monday 15th June

_Jeremy_ **Richard**

 

(9:16 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Jeremy

**'Morning, Jez.'**

_'Morning. Thanks, for last night.'_

**'You read the texts?'**

_'I did yeah, you're a properly good mate Richard.'_

**'Oh, it was nothing, really. I mean I'm still wondering why you bothered getting me to do it actually. You're a bit slow but not incapable of giving some objective advice, surely?'**

_'It wasn't that I didn't trust myself to be fair it was just even if I was fair it'd be wrong. It'd still count as meddling. And I couldn't help but use the fact against him somehow, unintentionally but how could I not?'_

**'Okay yeah, I see what you're getting at. It was good of you to tap me in.'**

_'Thanks again Rich.'_

**'Y'welcome. So, have you heard from him yet then?'**

_'James? No, not yet.'_

**'How are you feeling?'**

_'Guilty. Like he's fretting over apologizing and I shouldn't even know that but I do and he's hated me these past couple years but I didn't even know that! We didn't even know each other and at the back of all that sits the horrible thought, that I actually did in fact stop him from getting the presenting job just for different motivations than he originally thought and I still don't know whether he accepts the truth on that front. And this whole mess is overshadowed by the fact he won't accept any of my apologies because I saved his life and no it wasn't because I was a bad person but because I'm ruddy, well fond of him, which he doesn't even know because the only times he's spoken to me properly was through a fucking cellphone when he didn't even know it was me he was talking to.'_

**'Right I'm not sure what that feeling is but it's definitely not all covered under "guilty."'**

_'You're right. How's self-loathing?'_

**'Jeremy.'**

_'What is it?'_

**'I just sense this is all coming to a head soon-'**

_'What do you mean?'_

**'Well you don't expect to be split off into Jez and Jeremy forever do you?'**

_'Is that still an option?'_

**'I've got to head out. Let's talk at work, okay?'**

_'Yeah, like we do much else at work.'_

 

* * *

 

 

Tuesday 16th June

James  _Jeremy_

 

(7:12 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Unknown

_'Hullo?'_

'Hi, Clarkson? It's May.'

_'Oh'_

'I wanted to apologize.'

_'What for?'_

'There's a lot isn't there.'

_'Some on my part.'_

'Yeah- actually I should start by thanking you.'

_'Thanking me?'_

'For finding me after- and pulling me from that car crash and I assume you took me to the hospital?'

_'Who told you?'_

'Does it matter? Why'd-'

_'It matters. You shouldn't thank me for that.'_

'I shouldn't? Why'd you lie about it in the first place?'

_'I thought it'd be best if we had as little as possible to do with each other-'_

'You still think that?'

_'I dunno what I think. Anyway, saving you wasn't a selfless, heroic act I did it for... I did it for someone else. I wasn't thinking about you, well I was. I was thinking about you... but for someone else.'_

'What are you on about? Who?'

_'I did it for the show.'_

'You saved me for the show? Because researchers are so hard to find?'

_'Yeah, well no, I wanted to prove something to Wilman. It doesn't matter the point is it was selfish.'_

'So you're saying you would have left me to die if there was nothing in it for you?'

_'Looks like you were right about me.'_

'I don't believe that.'

_'Doesn't matter what you believe, I'm the only one who can say how I felt that day.'_

'...Well whatever, thanks anyway and I'm sorry-'

_'Don't apologize.'_

'Why not?'

_'Don't apologize just cause you feel indebted to me.'_

'Indebted to you? You just said you saved me out of selfishness.'

_'Exactly. I don't deserve your-'_

'Shut up Clarkson. I have the right to my own opinions as I've been so quick to stress recently but I realize now those opinions were wrong and ill-judged and I'm allowed to be sorry for that. You don't have to forgive me or feel worthy of it- just let me say it.'

_'Well you've said it now.'_

'Yeah.'

_'So?'_

'So, nothing I guess.'

_'Well in that case goodnight.'_

'Good night Jeremy.'

 

* * *

 

 

(7:32 PM)  
_Well I cocked that up._

 

(7:34 PM)

What happened?

 

(7:36 PM)

_Why'd I think one lousy call would fix everything?_

 

* * *

 

 

Wednesday 17th June

**Richard** Andy Jason

 

(9:03 AM)

**'James and Jeremy, they've made up!'**

'Making up implies that they were together before this mess.'

**'Yeah, well...'**

'No, I don't wanna know.'

**'So how are things in the office?'**

'Quiet, too damn quiet.'

**'Well you can't expect them to be best bud-'**

'No, you misunderstand me. It's too quiet cos it seems not a single individual under my employment seems half-arsed to actually show up on time.'

**'Oh, right. About that, you see-'**

'Where the fuck are you Hammond.'

**'I'm on my way, I am. 5 minutes.'**

'Ok it's 9:16. If your spiky haired head doesn't pop round that door by 9:21 I will, against my better judgement, let Clarkson drive the Bowler Wildcat.'

**'Andy that's not funny.'**

'Good. I wasn't joking.'

**'Shit.'**

 

(9:22 AM)

Skin of your teeth.

 

(9:24 AM)

**Ha! The bowlers mine.**

 

(9:24 AM)

Where's Clarkson?

 

(9:25 AM)

**Not the foggiest.**

(9:25 AM)

**Thought we were'nt allowed to txt during production meetings?**

 

(9:27 AM)

We are when it concerns the whereabouts of attendees of said production meetings.

(9:28 AM)

And when I say attendees it usually always means the presenters.

 

(9:28 AM)

**Well the whereabouts of presenters don't concern me. Especially if it's Clarkson.**

 

(9:29 AM)

Don't give me that Hammond. You've been following his life like it's a soap

 

(9:31 AM)

**Hey!**

 

(9:39 AM)

Oh speak of the devil

(9:41 AM)

He looks like shit

 

(9:42 PM)

**Wonder why**

 

(9:43 AM)

Why?

 

(9:47 AM)

**I don't know!**

 

(9:49 AM)

Okay I didn't mean what I said about the soaps just tell me why

 

(9:50 AM)

**I genuinely don't know!**

 

(9:53 AM)

Right you genuinely don't know

 

(9:55 AM)

**And before you ask I don't know where Dawe is either.**

 

(9:56 AM)

Dawe's not coming

 

* * *

 

 

(12:12 PM)

 

INCOMING CALL: Richard (work)

 

'Hello, Richard.'

**'Hi Jason. Andy's just told us.'**

'Yeah, I'm sorry you didn't know sooner.'

**'You're sorr- Look it's fine. I'm just really sad to see you go, we had some good times'**

'That's nice but let's be honest here Rich, it's obvious I'm not at the same level as you and Jez. No don't argue, I've seen the reviews and the re-runs and it's not like I'm being

fired it's just a simple, no-mess parting of ways.'

**'I'm still sorry to see you go, you're a good bloke and I feel with sorta become mates.'**

'We are mates and we still can be.'

**'Okay, great. Well, Jez sends his condolences too.'**

'I'm sure.'

**'What?'**

'Nothing.'

**'Okay well, best be off I s'pose'**

'Well, see you round Rich, all the best.'

**'Yup and to you too. Keep in touch.'**

'Will do, bye'

_**'Bye.'** _

 

Sunday 5th July

_Jeremy_ Andy

 

(4:23 PM)

 

**'Hey Jez, are you coming to the screen tests for the new presenter on Thursday?'**

_'I am, but I'm not required to do anything am I?'_

**'No, no you can just tell me what you think of them. I think, I have a pretty good idea of who will work.'**

_'Oh yeah, about that. Why's James not on the list? Does he not get a screen test?'_

**'James who?'**

_'James May'_

**'James isn't going for the job?'**

_'What? Why not?'_

**'Did he give you an indication he was?'**

_'Well, no but he went for it last time. I just assumed he'd give it another shot.'_

**'Oh well maybe he's no longer interested?'**

_'Maybe...'_


	8. Chapter 8

Sunday 5th July

James _Jeremy_

 

(10:01 PM)

Do you ever feel that you're wasting your life away waiting for something to happen? Like I can anticipate something big is going to happen so I just spend day after day waiting it to, because I know once it happens and my life is in chaos that these are the days I'll miss. The days spent bumming around simply cos I don't need to make an effort because I'm prepping myself for something big that'll eventually make up for all the small.

(10:03 PM)

I feel as if I'm waiting for my life to start.

(10:04 PM)

I'm 39 for Christ's sake

(10:07 PM)

Don't worry I'm not looking for an answer it just feels good to... release it into the void I guess. Let it impose on empty space rather than my family or friends or my chest. Feels good to get it off my chest

 

(10:11 PM)

_Am I just empty space?_

 

(10:13 PM)

That's not what I meant.

(10:15 PM)

I just meant that since we don't really know each other you can remove yourself from it. The knowledge can't really affect you because you can't see how it affects me or doesn't affect me.

 

(10:17 PM)

_Doesn't mean I don't care. That I'm not worried_

(10:18 PM)

_Give me some fucking credulity won't you_

(10:19 PM)

_I'm more than this fucking screen, than a blimmin void. I'm your friend and it's worse that I can't see it. A sight lot worse cos it scares me out of my wits okay? That I can't be there, that whatever comfort I try give you through these fucking letters might not mean anything, might not help at all. Might be making things worse._

 

(10:23 PM)

What about trust?

(10:24 PM)

Can't you trust me that I'll tell you how I'm feeling that I'll react honestly.

 

(10:28 PM)

_It's hard._

(10:29 PM)

_I don't trust myself, my interpretation of all these messages could be light years from your meaning._

  


(10:32 PM)

It'd be the same if we were talking face to face.

 

(10:34 PM)

_I'd feel better about it though_

  


(10:42 PM)

 ~~Why didn't you show that day~~  
MESSAGE CANCELLED

(10:43 PM)

Let's change the subject.

 

(10:47 PM)

_I'm 3 years older than you_

  


(10:49 PM)

Oh

(10:51 PM)

Weird we haven't touched on that before

  


(10:57 PM)

_Yeah I just assumed you were 60_

  


(10:58 PM) 

Care to share why?

 

(11:00 PM)

_One word: Bentley_

(11:01 PM)

_4 words: Bentley and steam trains_

  


(11:04 PM)

Right. See I thought you were about 12

 

(11:07 PM)

_Because of my youthful vigor?_

  


(11:09 PM)

Not as such, more because of this: : >

 

(11:11 PM)

_Harsh but fair._

  


(11:13 PM)

Thanks : >

 

(11:16 PM)

_Hypocrite._

(11:21 PM)

_I saw the papers today._

(11:22 PM)

_Dawe's left Top Gear?_

 

(11:29 PM)

We made it into a paper! I'll have to tell the boss.

 

(11:31 PM)

_Yeah! It was the Daily Mail, mind_

  


(11:32 PM)

Still. That's something

(11:34 PM)

They thought he wasn't working, Dawe that is.

 

(11:39 PM)

_So they'll be looking to replace him?_

  


(11:41 PM)

Are you interested?

(11:43 PM)

I could put in a good word?

 

(11:48 PM)

_No, I wouldn't know the first thing about presenting._

(11:49 PM)

_I was thinking about you_

 

(11:50 PM)

What makes you think I'd know how to present a T.V show?

 

(11:52 PM)

_Can't be that difficult._

(11:53 PM)

_You should see the idiots on my show_

(11:57 PM)

_Plus that Hammond bloke needs someone to back him up about 911's_

  


(12:01 AM)

How do you know I like the 911?

 

(12:06 AM)

_I'm the mentalist remember?_

(12:07 AM)

_: >_

  


(12:11 AM)

How could I forget

 

(12:13 AM)

_Not easily._

(12:14 AM)

_Getting tired?_

  


(12:16 AM)

A bit

(12:17 AM)

Tempted to stay awake though

 

(12:20 AM)

_I know the feeling_

(12:21 AM)

_But then you think of all the people you have to see, all the looks, the bags under your eyes, all the "are you okay's"_

(12:23 AM)

_I'm thankful for the insomnia sometimes, if only that it gives me an excuse and sometimes just thinking is an attractive pasttime._

 

(12:25 AM)

You're an insomniac?

 

(12:27 AM)

_Yeah. Only when I'm stressed, nowadays._

 

(12:29 AM)

Like now?

 

(12:31 AM)

_Not stressed... just wary._

(12:32 AM)

_Stressed over the stress to come, funnily enough_

(12:34 AM)

_You're right._

  


(12:37 AM)

Right about what?

 

(12:39 AM)

_This is the calm before the storm isn't it._

  


* * *

 

Monday 6th July

James _Jeremy_ **Richard**

 

(10:11 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Richard

 

"Hammond."

**"May, hi."**

"Morning, what's up?"

**"Well. It's delicate you see. None of us really want to tell you what to do but we've talked about in the office and everyone was unopposed to the idea-"**

"What idea?"

**"I'm getting there. We want you to go for Dawes position. I know they're at the final stages of recruiting but we all assumed you were going for it or perhaps that you had and didn't get it. Andy didn't tell us you see. But I've spoken to him and he said based on your initial application for the job, before we started, and your researcher interview, he'd let you do a screen test. and if you worked out then he could do all the paper work later on. I think you'd be great James. You're such a laugh and you actually know how a car works... unlike some people. I realize if you had really wanted to be a presenter you would have gone for it but here's a second chance anyway and I think you should give it serious consideration, so yeah. What'd you reckon?"**

"You want me as a presenter?"

**"Course we do! You really... fit in here."**

"I fit in? At Top Gear?"

**"Sorry, yeah not exactly a compliment. I'm jus-"**

"No, it's just I've never been said that before."

**"Oh, oh. Right well, you do James. Even just as a Researcher but I really think you'll be overlooking something really great with this presenting thing."**

"So everyone keeps saying."

**"What? Who's spoken to you? We agreed we wouldn't all bombard you. I'm sorry James, who was it? It was Dave wasn't it? I can't believe this! They said I could be the one to tell you!"**

"No, no it was no one. No one's bombarding me or anything. It was just... a friend from... outside of work."

**"A friend? Oh okay, I see. Well I hope you have a think about what we're all saying here."**

"Yeah I will."

**"Okay sorry again."**

"It's fine."

**"I know you can make your own life decisions."**

"Thank-you Richard."

**"Okay, yeah I'm going now, sorry."**

 

* * *

 

(3:08 PM)

_You talked to him?_

 

(3:19 PM)

**I did, yeah**

 

(3:21 PM)

_And he's going for the job?_

 

(3:25 PM)

**He didn't say.**

 

(3:26 PM)

_Did you ask?_

 

(3:31 PM)

**No, I did not ask**

 

(3:34 PM)

_It's in 3 days! He has to decide_

 

(3:38 PM)

**Why don't you talk to him then?**

 

(3:41 PM)

_I already did, yesterday._

 

(3:43 PM)

**No not Jez, you.**

 

(3:46 PM)

_I'm still not sure I want him on the show._

(3:47 PM)

_Besides, he won't listen to me_

 

(3:51 PM)

**YOU'RE THE SAME PERSON.**

(3:52 PM)

**Which goes for both your excuses by the way**

 

(3:53 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Jez

 

_"Why can't I be Jez all the time."_

**"You are Jez all the time."**

_"Yeah but I have to live with Clarkson's past mistakes. Imagine how simple it would be if all my screw ups didn't happen-"_

**"What would that look like?"**

_"What would what look like?"_

**"You said to imagine, well do it. Imagine how things would be if James didn't hate you and he got on the show first time round. What would that look like."**

_"I don't- I couldn't say-"_

**"Couldn't or won't?"**

_"What's this about?"_

**"I just think there's a lot more going on here than an identity crisis which is no small hurdle on it's own. If James is going to be on the show you're gonna have to sort some stuff, y'know. There's no point wishing for a magic fix it, is what I'm trying to say."**

_"I'm not wishing for a fix it. I'm just saying if I wasn't such an impulsive moron things would be a sight more simpler now."_

**"Yeah but they happened and this is the mess you're in."**

_"Clarkson's in."_

**"Agh, for the last time! You. Are. The. Same. Person."**

_"Yeah, but I hate him right now."_

 

* * *

 

(5:55 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Unknown

 

"Hullo, James speaking."

_"Hello James."_

"Hi."

_"It's Jeremy Clarkson."_

"I know."

_"Oh"_

"Oh?"

_"Ummm. You've spoken to Hammond, about the presenter job, and I want you to know that everyone in the office stands behind that."_

"Everyone?"

_"Everyone, yeah."_

"Okay, thanks for clarifying that."

_"I just wanna make it really clear. I'm not involved in the screen tests this time. I'll be there but I won't... I know last time you- It's out of my hands is what I'm saying. My stance either for or against has no sway what-so-ever. So I thought I'd let you know. In case that was stopping you-"_

"You really want me on the show?"

_"I do, yeah."_

"What about..."

_"What?"_

"Nothing."

_"I-I... Please just think about it."_

"I am, I've not thought of much else."

_"Oh, so you think- I guess you haven't made a decision yet?"_

"I'll let you know."

 

* * *

 

Wednesday 8th July

James _Sim_

 

(9:09 AM)

Hiya Simmy

 

(9:11 AM)

_Morning James -S_

(9:14 AM)

_Just bought that Yamaha_

 

(9:18 AM)

You're joking?

 

(9:21 AM)

_'Fraid not. -S_

 

(9:27 AM)

You've not gone delusional have you?

 

(9:34 AM)

_No, not yet -S_

(9:38 AM)

_The way I see it is that sometimes you just have to forget about what everyone else wants for you and go for it because at the end of the day yeah, you're the one who has to live with a crappy bike but those people, they're not going to stick around while you're fixing it up but they'll always come back when it's time to ride it._

(10:29 AM)

_?_

 

(10:42 AM)

Sorry Sim got a bit distracted

 

(10:48 AM)

_Stop worrying about other people's crappy bikes -S_

 

(10:53 AM)

Got too many of my own haven't I.

 

(10:57 AM)

_ That's okay though. We're the ones who like fixing them up instead of selling them on or riding someone elses -S _

 

(10:59 AM)

Pint later?

 

(11:12 AM)

Alright but swing by first and help me with this pile of junk -S

 

(11:18 AM)

Haha yeah, see you later Sim.

 

* * *

 

Thursday 9th July

Jeremy  **Richard** Andy

 

(10:01 AM)

**You talked to him?**

(10:02 AM)

**The big, bad evil you, not the other one**

 

(10:03 AM)

_Yes Hammond._

 

(10:07 AM)

**And did you tell him?**

 

(10:10 AM)

_I just want him to get the job_

 

(10:13 AM)

**That's a no then**

 

(10:18 AM)

_Can't we take this one problem at a time._

 

(10:19 AM)

**Why not all at once?**

 

(10:22 AM)

_Don't be so obtuse. It doesn't work that way._

 

(10:24 AM)

**Don't be so melodramatic. It does.**

 

(10:29 AM)

_Coming from the man in a cowboy hat._

(10:31 AM) 

_I'm doing this one problem at a time._

 

(10:37 AM)

**Fine.**

(10:49 AM)

**Problem one: your parks just been stolen**

 

(10:51 AM)

_What. By who?_

 

(10:53 AM)

**Chris Evans.**

 

(10:56 AM)

_Little prick, there's a sign isn't there!?_

(11:09 AM)

_I can't find a park!!!_

(11:11 AM)

_Tell Andy I'm coming. Had to park miles away_

(11:13 AM)

_There's no way he's getting the job._

 

(11:17 AM)

**Careful, remember what happened the last time you interfered with someones screen test?**

 

(11:18 AM)

_I don't care._

(11:18 AM)

_Anyone who makes me do physical labor is looking for a death sentence._

  


* * *

 

(5:22 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Andy

 

"Did you know?"

**"Odds are, probably not. No one tells me anything"**

"Cos you find it out for yourself"

**"Well tell me what this is about and let's see if I know it.**

"That James was such a riot. You two bounce off each other really well."

**"Oh. Well of course I knew. You've seen him at the pub and thanks but it's not just me we have to worry about"**

"I thought it best Jeremy just watched from the sidelines. Should I have done it different?"

**"It's not just a two man show. They're gonna have to work together."**

"The question is do they work together?"

**"I can't answer that. It's looking like James then?**

"Now I thought I could answer that, until this conversation."

**"This is pointless. Just ask them Andy."**

"I was going to ask James about it today but I didn't think I'd get the truth."

**"Truth is, Jez wants James on the show."**

"He said that?"

**"He called James and told him himself."**

"Well that's my mind made up then."

**"But..."**

"But?"

**"But he's Clarkson. He always wants what he can't have."**

"What are you insinuating?"

**"Nothing! Just, whether James gets the job or not. Things are going to be messy."**

"That puts me in a corner then."

**"I think we all are."**

 

* * *

 

Monday 12th July

James _Jeremy_ **Richard**

 

(12:02 PM)

Haven't txted you from a meeting in a while

 

(12:12 PM)

_No you have not and may I remind you that it was me that txted you during meetings_

 

(12:16 PM)

Oh right see I thought that didn't sound like me.

 

(12:18 PM)

_Don't txt during meetings_

(12:19 PM)

_See that sounds more like you_

 

(12:21 PM)

I never said that!

 

(12:24 PM)

_I can read back through our messages?_

 

(12:25 PM)

No, don't bother

 

(12:27 PM)

_Anyway you've changed your tune_

(12:29 PM)

_The meeting must be a real drag_

 

(12:30 PM)

On the contrary, it's great

 

(12:31 PM)

_See I've attended plenty a meeting in my time and can assure you there's no such thing_

 

(12:34 PM)

Oh yes there is.

(12:35 PM)

I'm having one right now.

 

(12:39 PM)

_So great that you're texting me instead of experiencing it completely and utterly?_

 

(12:41 PM)

So great I can do both at once

(12:41 PM)

Besides, I had to tell you something

 

(12:43 PM)

_Which is?_

 

(12:45 PM)

I just got fired.

 

(12:47 PM)

_Um James? Are we still joking?_

 

(12:51 PM)

Then offered another job.

 

(12:52 PM)

_What?_

 

(12:56 PM)

You are speaking to the newest presenter of the popular motoring show, Top Gear.

 

(12:59 PM)

_Congratulations!_

(1:01 PM)

_This is big._

(1:02 PM)

_Don't blow it._

 

(1:08 PM)

Wow that's probably the worst response I've had so far

 

(1:11 PM)

_Bit harsh_

 

(1:13 PM)

It's also the first response so it's the best as well.

 

(1:15 PM)

_I'm the first you told?_

(1:17 PM)

_I'm touched :' >_

 

(1:19 PM)

Is that a tear in your smug face?

 

(1:22 PM)

_When I said touched I meant tearfully smug_

 

(1:24 PM)

Charming.

 

(1:27 PM)

_You're going to do really well James. I'm so certain of it and excited to see the show_

 

(1:30 PM)

Thank-you. That means a lot.

 

(1:31 PM)

_:' >_

 

(1:32 PM)

Oh fuck it 

(1:33 PM)

:'>

 

* * *

 

 

(8:55 PM)

**So it's the 3 of us then**

 

(9:02 PM)

_In sickness and in health till death do us part_

 

(9:04 PM)

**Funny.**

(9:05 PM)

**I want this to work**

 

(9:11 PM)

_We'll make it work._

 

(9:13 PM)

**We shouldn't have to**

(9:13 PM)

**That was the trouble with Dawe, remember?**

 

(9:17 PM)

_James isn't Dawe._

 

(9:19 PM)

**Exactly**

(9:20 PM)

**We need to not fuck it up**

 

(9:23 PM)

_It shouldn't make a difference. Everyone's so high strung about this natural chemistry shit when getting stressed out about whether it's there or not is not going to make it happen_

 

(9:29 PM)

**I know it's out of our hands but I can't just step back and wait for it to happen or not happen**

 

(9:31 PM)

_You're going to have to_

(9:32 PM)

_Can't meddle this time Richard._

 


	9. Chapter 9

Monday 12th July

_Jeremy_ **Richard**

 

(5:03 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Richard

"Hello Richard"

**"Hey dude!"**

"Dude?"

**"Or in light of recent developments, should I say colleague?"**

"I've been your colleague for a while now."

**"Yeah but Jeremy, Dawe and I used to make fun of you office guys. You're a part of the club now."**

"What did you guys say about me?"

**"Um, well we might of said some things about your Bentley and erm... your hair."**

"What's wrong with my hair?"

**"Well it's um ... floppy."**

"Floppy?" 

**"Anyway! This is not the reason I called. I need to offer you my congratulations!"**

"Thanks Rich. I'm very excited."

**"So you should be! You should know I was really rooting for you."**

"Oh I know."

**"How do you know?"**

"You practically applied on my behalf, remember?"

**"Oh right. Forgot I did that."**

"I'm glad you did Richard. I wasn't exactly thinking strait."

**"Hey, it was a big leap and sometimes all you need is to know that someone believes in you."**

"Still don't believe it really."

**"Come on you'll be great, we all know it."**

"Maybe..."

**"I'll let you go but think about what I said."**

"Yeah, yeah."

**"Right I'll pretend that was genuine."**

"Just to the last bit. The thank-you can have."

**"And you're welcome, bye then."**

"Buh-bye."

 

* * *

 

 

Saturday 17th July

James  _Jeremy_ **Richard** Andy

 

(10:21 AM)

_Is currently drooling over Bentley continental_

(10:22 AM)

_Is reconsidering ones existence._

 

(10:28 AM)

Well its about bloody time

(10:28 AM)

You don't happen to be at the London car show do you?

 

(10:34 AM)

_I just so happen to be_

 

(10:35 AM)

What are you doing here?

 

(10:38 AM)

_You know, just enjoying the scenery_

 

(10:41 AM)

Sorry it's just that I'm here as well

 

(10:43 AM)

_I know!_

 

(10:46 AM)

How do you know?

(10:48 AM)

And don't say cos you're the mentalist.

 

(10:51 AM)

_Spoil sport._

(10:51 AM)

_You guys are doing a show at 3_

(10:52 AM)

_When I say you guys I mean Top Gear_

(10:53 AM)

_It's in my programme_

 

(10:57 AM)

Oh of course

(10:57 AM)

Why didn't you tell me?

 

(10:59 AM)

_I did._

(11:03 AM)

_The bentley thing._

(11:04 AM)

_It's not on the market yet so where else would I see one plus I'm acquainted with your hyper-awareness of them so it was a surefire way to let you know I'm here too, hello_

 

(11:06 AM)

So that was just a ploy you don't actually like the continental?

 

(11:07 AM)

_Well it's not bad but come on_

(11:09 AM)

_There's a ferrari modena here._

(11:09 AM)

_And before you give me a lecture on how the bentley's better on paper. I know and I agree with you but it's a Bentley._

 

(11:15 AM)

Okay I see where you're coming from.

(11:15 AM)

I've always wanted to own a 250 California

 

(11:17 AM)

_Keep dreaming_

 

(11:18 AM)

Hey, I always wanted to own a Bentley as well so I'm half way there!

 

(11:20 AM)

_A T2 though?_

 

(11:23 AM)

Admittedly no

(11:23 AM)

I'd much rather have the continental

(11:27 AM)

Anyway why the hell are we talking about cars

 

(11:31 AM)

_Because we're at a car show?_

 

(11:36 AM)

Exactly! We're both at a car show! The same car show. At the same time.

(11:39 AM)

That guy could be you or that guy or that guy wearing 100% toyota merchandise clothing

 

(11:42 AM)

_That's not me, I promise you._

 

(11:43 AM)

I just had a thought. You could pick me out of this crowd right now.

 

(11:44 AM)

_I have a fair idea what you look like yeah_

 

(11:44 AM)

And?

 

(11:49 AM)

_Um you're really quite handsome in an unkempt sort of way_

 

(11:50 AM)

No.

(11:51 AM)

That's not what I meant

(11:51 AM)

I meant: And... can you see me?

 

(11:53 AM)

_Oh shit, of course_

(11:54 AM)

_I mean of course you meant that_

(11:54 AM)

_Not, of course I can see you. I can't_

 

(12:00 PM)

Will you stay for the show?

 

(12: 01 PM)

_No, I can't watch the show I've got to work_

 

(12:09 PM)

Oh that's a shame.

 

(12:11 PM)

_Is it?_

(12:11 PM)

_You'll be on T.V soon enough_

 

(12:13 PM)

Yes but we've established you're not a serial killer

 

(12:17 PM)

_Yeah but doesn't it bother you that I know what you look like_

 

(12:19 PM)

No, not really

 

(12:24 PM)

_I could walk past you everyday and you'd never know_

 

(12:27 PM)

Okay that sort of bothers me.

(12:28 PM)

But it's not like I can do anything about it

 

(12:29 PM)

_Can't you?_

 

(12:31 PM)

The balls in your court.

 

(12:36 PM)

_Why do you say that_

 

(12:38 PM)

Well I feel since you're able to pick me out of a crowd and I can't do the same to you that it's up to you to initiate a meeting

 

(12:32 PM)

Oh right, you're right

(12:32 PM)

Sorry it's just I've heard that saying recently

 

(12:35 PM)

Oh, me too actually

 

(12:38 PM)

_It's a good one._

 

(12:41 PM)

Yeah but it doesn't exactly predispose a resolution. Like in tennis when you return the serve it's just hit back at you and you hit it back and they hit it back and you hit it back again. I mean when does it end?

 

(12:49 PM)

_In tennis? When one player makes too many mistakes_

 

(12:50 PM)

Yeah and then there's a winner and a loser and then they'll give up or play again. There's no draws in tennis is what I'm saying. If the scores are even you just keep going until there's a victor.

 

(12:53 PM)

_Are we still talking about tennis?_

 

(12:52 PM)

I'm not sure.

 

* * *

 

 

INCOMING CALL: Jezza

(1:31 PM)

  
_"Can you see who James is talking to?"_

**"James? Where?"**

_"By the S-class"_

**"Right, I see him. Who is that?"**

_"Jerry Webber."_

**"Oh shit."**

_"It gets worse."_

**"How could it get worse?"**

_"He's the producer for Ground Force"_

**"Hey stop being so harsh about Ground Force. It's really not that bad"**

_"It's a gardening show. He's the producer of a gardening show."_

**"That's not a crime now is it?"**

_"Oh wait, I thought I'd told you. James thinks that, that's what I do for the BBC, well of course he knows- the other me."_

**"Oh shit."**

_"And his name-"_

**"Jez."**

_"Jerry, yeah."_

**"You don't think?"**

_"I told James that I'd be here today, as Jez and now look how they're fucking talking."_

**"Oh shit. We can't- should we go over?"**

_"I'm not just gonna fucking stand here"_

**"Jeremy don't-"**

**...**

**"Jeremy? Christ."**

 

* * *

 

 

(7:54 PM)

 

INCOMING CALL: Andy

"What does Jeremy have against Webber?"

**"He- that debacle with Francie, remember?"**

"No, Francie and Jerry Webber?"

**"No! Webber just blabbed to the papers, about- well you can guess. Anyway that's not what today was about. It was- well it's complicated."**

"Complicated, right... and how is James involved?"

**"James well, he- It's complicated."**

"Thought as much. Well, let's just hope he doesn't press charges, it seems we don't have much of a defense, least not a straight-forward one."

**"Webber? Bit of a long-shot him keeping quiet, isn't it?"**

"It was a car show, no one saw it and Jeremy can't punch for shit, you'd think with all the practice he gets but he barely left a mark."

**"But it's Webber and with their history..."**

"No I think it'll be fine. It's not in his best interest to make this go public ... actually I'm surprised he hasn't called yet ensuring Jez keeps his mouth shut about the punch he laid back."

**"What do you know?"**

"Titchmarsh is leaving Ground Force and their production team are essentially on publicity lock down till the news gets out."

**"Oh that is news but surely Jezza punching a producer is irrelevant to all that?"**

"Well you'd think but the rumor is Titchmarsh is packing his bags due to a clash with a small-minded, short-tempered head exec and we all know who that sounds like."

**"Ah right and the headlines "Jeremy Clarkson in fracas with Ground Force producer" and "Titchmarsh leaves Ground Force due to conflict with head office" don't exactly coincide."**

"Exactly. So I think we'll be able to close the doors on this one"

**"Well that's a relief now we just have to deal with what's happening behind the closed doors."**

"Correction, you do."

**"But-"**

"Nope, just make sure whatever happens in the studio stays in the studio and nowhere near a camera. I cannot deal with a media debbacle right now, not with the new series coming up."

**"But there are 3 cameras in the studio!"**

"Exactly. Let's make a T.V show."

 

* * *

 

 

(10:21 PM)

In an unkempt sort of way?

 

(10:26 PM)

_I thought you'd forget about that fuck._

 

(10:31 PM)

No it's alright, just wish I could compliment you back.

(10:34 PM)

Oh wait I can.

(10:37 PM)

You have really nice punctuation, Jeremy.

 

(10:41 PM)

_It's Jez._

(10:45 PM)

_Are you upset with me?_

 

(10:47 PM)

No not upset.

(10:49 PM)

But that's your name isn't it? Jeremy. Not Jerry.

 

(10:51 PM)

_What's going on?_

 

(10:59 PM)

You'll hear about it in the papers no doubt.

(11:03 PM)

I thought I met you today, at the car show. But it wasn't you. What are the chances there's another gardening show producer who calls himself Jez? 

(11:08 PM)

I made an utter fool of myself and then... that guy we're never mentioning came along and punched the Jez I thought was you in the face.

 

(11:11 PM)

_I'm sorry, I don't want to make life difficult for you maybe we should stop this..._

 

(11:13 PM)

No, you stop this. I don't want to make life not worth living and that's how it is when... but I also don't wanna go around coming on to every gardening producer I meet and have my co-worker punch them in the face for no apparent reason.

 

(11:16 PM)

_Okay, I'll fix this._

(11:17 PM)

_And Jerry Webber and He Who Must Not Be Named have... history._

 

(11:21 PM)

Jerry Webber and Voldemort? Who'd-a-thunk-it.

(11:26 PM)

Wait how do you know it's Webber I'm talking about?

 

(11:30 PM)

_Oh I just assumed it was. We've been mixed up before._

 

(11:39 PM)

How can you fix this?

 

(11:42 PM)

_Can you trust me?_

 

(11:48 PM)

We haven't met.

 

(11:51 PM)

_That's not what I asked._

 

(11:59 PM)

Of course I bloody well can.

 

* * *

 

 

Sunday 18th July

James _Jeremy_ Sharon

 

(12:11 PM)

 

INCOMING CALL: 

"Hello, Sharon speaking."

"Oh... Hi, um is Jeremy there?"

"One second, I'll get him for you"

"Right, okay... Thank-you"

...

_"Hello, Jeremy speaking."_

"It's James."

_"Hi James, what is it?"_

"Well- it's nothing and I don't want to interrupt..."

_"You're not. Now, why'd you call?"_

"Oh right um I just thought that... you owe me an explanation."

_"For what?"_

"Yesterday you punched the man who I was talking to in the face."

_"Oh that-"_

"No, not oh that. You hit him, for no reason."

_"No I just thought you meant..."_

"Meant what?"

_"It's nothing. Anyway I had my reasons."_

"You're a grown man what reason constitutes giving someone the one-two?"

_"Well there's a few."_

"Like?"

_"I don't need to answer to you James."_

"You don't answer to anyone."

_"And why the fuck should I? I'm 42, unattached and a grown man."_

"Unattached?"

_"Yes."_

"I thought..."

_"Yes?"_

"Nothing."

_"You were saying?"_

"I was saying?"

_"That I'm a juvenile, temperamental 5 year old."_

"Right- no, forget it."

_"What?"_

"I'll let you get back to... whatever- I'll let you go, bye."

_"Um, goodbye."_

 

* * *

 

 

Monday 19th July

James  **Richard**

 

(3:13 PM)

**I'm sorry about that thing at the car show**

 

(3:19 PM)

You have nothing to apologize for

 

(3:23 PM)

**Well no I saw you talking to Webber and he's a bit of a sore thumb in the industry and Jeremy hates him and I know you can make friends for yourself but you deserved a fair warning. If not one about Webber then at least one about Jeremy's most likely cause of action**

 

(3:27 PM)

I still don't understand his motivation there

 

(3:34 PM)

**Jeremy's? It doesn't really take a lot to make him mad and I know it seems like he's kind of distant towards you but he did want you on the show and he's just sort of protective over Top Gear**

 

(3:38 PM)

And I can't take care of myself? What was Webber going to do?

 

(3:47 PM)

**Well you did seem pretty close considering you'd just met**

 

(3:49 PM)

Were we?

(3:51 PM)

I thought he was someone else but I was mistaken

 

(3:57 PM)

**Oh right**

(3:58 PM)

**And then Jeremy jumped in and hit him**

 

(4:07 PM)

Yeah it was all a bit of a mess

 

(4:14 PM)

**Think about how Jeremy feels**

 

(4:17 PM)

Jeremy? He wasn't exactly repentful when we spoke

 

(4:23 PM)

**Well he's never going to be for punching Webber but he's sorry you got involved**

 

(4:29 PM)

I hadn't thought about that

 

(4:31 PM)

**Neither did he, no doubt**

 

* * *

 

 

Thursday 22nd July

James  _Jeremy_ Sharon

 

(7:59 PM)

_"Hello, James?"_

"Good evening."

_"I just thought I'd call and apologize for how I handled things the other day, I was going through some things and it wasn't the best time-"_

"You don't need to apologize"

_"No, I'm sorry I involved you in the first place and you're right I do owe you an explanation, okay?"_

"Okay, let's hear it?"

_"I indulged a whim telling you to go for Top Gear and that took a lot from me, considering what happened before and how I've treated you. It took surprisingly a lot and I don't like being given any indication that I've got it wrong and that's a little bit of what I felt when I saw you with Webber. Plus I hate him but I'm not going to apologize for that because he is a living reminder of the worse parts of myself and he never lets me forget it."_

"How do you do that?"

_"Do what?"_

"Say what you think like that."

_"I don't- It's always been easy for me. Usually people tell me to shut up."_

"I owe you an explanation too."

_"You don't-"_

"No, don't. You'll just make this harder, okay?"

_"Okay."_

"You remember when I was at the hospital and there was that guy who stood me up and then dropped a parcel off at the office and you brought it 'round? And I told you we'd just been txting and we hadn't met, well we still haven't and I wasn't thinking properly because he told me he was at the London car show and I just thought that Webber was him but I got it wrong." 

_"You didn't have to tell me that."_

"I wanted to and you already knew anyway."

_"You don't owe me this after all the fuck ups I've had but... can we start over? From the very beginning."_

"God yes. I mean yeah that sounds- just one condition though, okay?"

_"Depends what it is."_

"No more apologies."

_"I'll try..."_

"I guess that's the best I can hope for."

 

* * *

 

_Jeremy_ Sharon

 

  
(8:32 PM)

How are things?

 

(8:36 PM)

_Better, thanks._

(8:37 PM)

_For coming round the other day_

 

(8:41 PM)

I can't lie I was surprised when you called

 

(8:45 PM)

_I just needed to talk to someone who isn't Hammond,_

 

(8:51 PM)

What about James?

 

(8:58 PM)

_What about James._

 

(9:01 PM)

Nothing...

(9:02 PM)

Just, your eyes lit up when he called

 

(9:09 PM)

_It's just really complicated with James, okay_

 

(9:15 PM)

Not okay. I'm finding that hard to believe

 

(9:19 PM)

_Believe it._

 

* * *

 

James  _Jeremy_

 

(10:01 PM)

We should meet properly

 

(10:08 PM)

_Do you really think it'll improve things?_

 

(10:13 PM)

I've thought this through Jez 

(10:14 PM)

The pros of meeting you outweigh the pros of keeping things as normal

 

(10:19 PM)

_And you presume it's the same story my end?_

 

(10:28 PM)

I presume that there's nothing stopping you and if there was you'd have the decency to tell me about it.

 

(11:04 PM)

_Okay let's do it._

(11:09 PM)

_2 weeks from today_

 

(11:16 PM)

the 5th of august?

(11:18 PM)

That's the night of my first show.

 

(11:19 PM)

_That doesn't worry you does it?_

 

(11:21 PM)

No, I think it'll work out.

 

(11:23 PM)

_It will. I won't bail this time._

 


	10. Chapter 10

  
Sunday 25th June

Jeremy Andy

 

(2:22 PM)

to: jeremyclarkson@topgear.bbc.uk  
from: andywilman@topgear.bbc.uk  
subject: Help a fella out

Hey Jeremy,

Unable to find a researcher temporarily or indeed fixed term for the up and coming show. Any chance you boys can all work together on this one? And that doesn't mean all shunting your work onto one person (erherm James) OR enslaving the interns, child labour laws are a real thing (I checked) OR all secluding yourselves off to do it independantly. It's James first show ie. your first show together so help each other out especially seeing we've got the new format.  
Don't let me down or at least try not to (and if that's too big a stretch at least act like you're trying)

Andy

 

(5:46 PM)

to: andywilman@topgear.bbc.uk  
from: jeremyclarkson@topgear.bbc.uk  
subject: RE: Help a fella out

Andy,

That sounds fine. Organize an office day with Richard and James and I'll be there.  
and I may know of a couple loop holes, regarding the child labor laws

Jez

 

(6:04 PM)

to: jeremyclarkson@topgear.bbc.uk  
from: andywilman@topgear.bbc.uk  
subject: RE: Help a fella out

Thanks a tonne Jez.  
Oh and I just realized the driving God's already sorted his piece with the Bowler so it's just James' debut and the news left to do. Also his holiness can't make it into the office till next friday because he wants to blow up a Sunny so we'll prioritize that this week and do the news later on. So you and James can just work together for now?  
And you have May's number. Organize your own meetings.  
oh and re: child labor laws, if the paps get wind of this conversation I'm saying you coerced me with your threatening, violent nature

 

(6:18 PM)

to: andywilman@topgear.bbc.uk  
from: jeremyclarkson@topgear.bbc.uk  
subject: RE: Help a fella out

YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER SWINE.  
Speaking of coercion, you knew Richard was going to be busy and you set this up so I'd have to work with May.  
I have half a mind to print off these emails and "misplace" them. Never mind the paps you'll have Scotland Yard on your tail.  
This is a new low for you Andy.

 

(6:31 PM)

to: jeremyclarkson@topgear.bbc.uk  
from: andywilman@topgear.bbc.uk  
subject: RE: Help a fella out

I would say the same to you but blackmail has always been a part of your inventory. I just want you and James to talk to one another off camera before we lock you in a studio together and it would be a sight lot simpler if you weren't avoiding him but there you go and here we are so don't complain.

 

(6:45 PM)

to: andywilman@topgear.bbc.uk  
from: jeremyclarkson@topgear.bbc.uk  
subject: RE: Help a fella out

....................../´¯/)  
....................,/¯../  
.................../..../  
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸  
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\  
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')  
.........\\.................'...../  
..........''...\\.......... _.·´  
............\\..............(  
..............\\.............\\...

 

(6:52 PM)

to: jeremyclarkson@topgear.bbc.uk  
from: andywilman@topgear.bbc.uk  
subject: RE: Help a fella out

I'm taking that as a "Whatever you say Andy, you're such a good employer, glad to be of service" so thanks.  
Contact May.

 

Monday 26th June

James _Jeremy_ **Richard** Andy

 

(10:09 AM)

**Andy says why is Brian off "doing your bidding" and to remember your last conversation and have you texted James yet**

 

(10:14 AM)

_I just asked Brian to do me a favor not kidnap my arch nemesis._

 

(10:18 AM)

**Andy says he's an intern not your PA**

 

(10: 26 AM)

_I could tell Andy the same thing regarding you_

(10:28 AM)

_Why are you even with Andy?_

(10:30 AM)

_Why haven't you pissed off to the track yet?_

 

(10:34 AM)

**Doesn't matter. Brians back now.**

 

(10:38 AM)

_Oh good tell him to meet me in the porticabin_

 

(10:41 AM)

**You should be working with May.**

 

(10:49 AM)

_Yes and Brian has the sim card which will enable me to txt May and do that_

 

(10:52 AM)

**Oh.**

(10:53 AM)

**Brian left to buy you a sim card.**

 

(10:54 AM)

_Yes, happy now?_

 

(10:56 AM)

**No.**

(10:56 AM)

**How am I going to explain this to Andy?**

 

* * *

 

 

(11:01 AM)

_Hey James it's Jeremy Clarkson. I'm supposed to be helping you with your bit for the show. I propose we go for a coffee and talk or the office if you want to be less informal_

 

(11:09 AM)

Hi Jeremy. Yeah Andy mentioned you'll be helping me out. Coffee sounds great thanks.

 

(11:15 AM)

_I'll text you where and when, when I get off the road. Talk soon._

 

(11:17 AM)

Righto, see you.

 

* * *

 

(11:34 AM)

**What's going on over there?**

 

(11:39 AM)

Jeremy's left. I think they're having coffee.

 

(11:41 AM)

**Scandalous**

(11:46 AM)

**Keep me updated.**

 

(11:56 AM)

Will do

(11:55 AM)

And I don't hear a jet engine?

 

(12:02 PM)

**Jet engine may be otherwise compromised... at no fault of my own, of course**

 

(12:09 PM)

If I don't see a Nissan Sunny burnt to a crisp by the end of today I'll be seriously pissed.

 

(12:11 PM)

**Don't worry, I'm with you on this one**

 

* * *

 

  
(3:06 PM)

**Updates?**

 

(3:12 PM)

There hasn't been anything to update. I haven't heard from them

 

(3:16 PM)

**When should we start looking for James' body?**

 

(3:18 PM)

Or Jeremy's.

 

(3:23 PM)

**10 quid on James'**

 

(3:26 PM)

?

(3:28 PM)

You're not seriously proposing we bet on which of our colleagues kill the other?

 

(3:31 PM)

**Too far?**

 

(3:34 PM)

... You're on.

 

* * *

 

  
(6:14 PM)

**Hey just about to head home. Still haven't heard from them?**

 

(6:19 PM)

Nothing. 

 

(6:24 PM)

**I really hope this works out**

 

(6:28 PM)

We all do

 

(6:32 PM)

**This is a gamble isn't it**

 

(6:34 PM)

Oh god, I suck at gambling

 

(6:36 PM)

**Well obviously if you think James will snap before Jeremy**

 

(6:39 PM)

Hey come on, he's like the silent but violent type and Jez can infuriate anyone after 1 minute let alone 7 hours

  


(6:43 PM)

**Oh shit I have the bad bet, don't I**

 

* * *

 

  
(7:08 PM) 

INCOMING CALL: Richard

 **"Hey"**  
_"Hi Rich."_  
**"So, how'd today go."**  
_"It was okay. We didn't really settle on an idea for James segment."_  
**"Oh, right."**  
_"But that's not what you meant, is it? You want to know whether me and James got on."_  
**"Well yeah, that too."**  
_"Thought as much."_  
**"So!?"**  
_"So it was fine. Not great, fine. Like having lunch with a work colleague you barely know, which to James was what it was, so I guess you could say it went as expected at least for James because I- idiotically, I might add, expected that we hit it off but I forgot that I don't actually know him, to him at least and it's very hard to stay pleasant and be open to someone when you're tying not to give away that you know so much about them so I just ended up coming across as distant and too polite a lot of the time."_  
**"I think your missing the beauty of the situation here, Jez"**  
_"What do you mean?"_  
**"Well, it's like when your marriage gets in a bit of a rut and you wish that you could just go back to the beginning when everything was magical and new and surprising."**  
_"Magical? Anyway, me and James aren't married, we aren't in a rut and by the sounds of it you've been watching too much Disney."_  
**"That's not the point-"**  
_"No, it is. Because we haven't had a beginning yet, we've barely started. There's nothing to do over."_  
**"Well my principal still stands. Woo him."**  
_"Woo James?"_  
**"Like you did the first time."**  
_"I didn't do anything the first time! All did was insult his car."_  
**"Well, each to his own."**  
_"You're not suggesting- wait, that's it!"_  
**"What?"**  
_"No, you just gave me an idea for James' piece. I've gotta go."_

...

  
**"Jeremy? Right. Glad to be of help as always"**

 

* * *

 

 

(10:03 PM)

I've made a mistake

 

(10:11 PM)

_You haven't been anywhere near an issue of auto trader, have you?_

 

(10:14 PM)

No, just my own idealistic and moronic head.

(10:18 PM)

I shouldn't have taken this job I was fine where I was

 

(10:23 PM)

 _You don't know till you try James and I know you're probably tired of everyone insisting you'll be brilliant but you might not. You might be rubbish or just_ _adequate_

 

(10:25 PM)

This is supposed to make me feel better is it?

 

(10:28 PM)

_My point is rubbish or adequate is a sight lot better than not knowing at all and living with the regret of not giving it a shot when you had the chance._

 

(10:31 PM)

So I gain nothing by playing it safe?

 

(10:37 PM)

_And gain everything if you don't_

 

(10:43 PM)

Everything?

 

(10:49 PM)

_I have a good feeling about this_

 

(10:52 PM)

Jez the almighty and powerful foreseer of ratings?

 

(10:54 PM)

_Just a feeling_

(10:56 PM)

_No one can predict this._

 

* * *

 

Tuesday 27th July

James  _Jeremy **Richard**_

 

(9:17 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Jeremy Clarkson

 _"Hey where have you go to?"_  
"Jeremy, didn't you get my email?"  
_"Obviously not if it had anything to do with why you're not here."_  
"Oh, right of course well, it does. I'm not coming in today."  
_"Why?"_  
"It's in the email."  
_"I'd much rather have you tell me."_  
"I don't need your help with my bit."  
_"Right so you're just going to sit at home and not do it? We've left it late enough as it is."_  
"Andy said I could just sit out on this one, have my debut next week. There's just too much going on and I've got no inspiration as hard as you tried to instill some in me yesterday it's just not working out."  
_"You're giving up?"_  
"No. I'm... stalling."  
_"We get paid to drive cars James. We don't stall."_  
"Well I'm still learning at all this so I can."  
_"There's no excuse for stalling. Driving's easy and talking about cars is even easier. It's what we love."_  
"How do you know what I love?"  
_"Cos I saw your face after I had gotten behind it, behind your back."_  
"My bentley?"  
_"Bingo."_  
"No one wants to watch me patter on about my ridiculous T2."  
_"No, they want to see that fond look you get and hear how your voice gets all excited and then declare ruefully that even though the new presenter's a bit of a prat he obviously knows what he's talking about."_  
"Um, was that a compliment?"  
_"I'll tell you after you get down here and let us film you in your ridiculous car."_  
"Coming right away, sir."  
_"That's more like it."_  
"And Jeremy"  
_"Yeah?"_  
"Thanks."

 

* * *

 

Wednesday 28th July

 

(11:37 AM)

INCOMING CALL: Andy

 

"Hey James"

"Hi Andy."

"Just got the copy of the script and I must say I'm really impressed. I did have my misgivings in hiring you for this in only that you seemed to be a bloke well suited to his privacy and fair enough too we all deserve a bit of peace and quiet but it's not exactly the optimal quality of a T.V presenter but this script's has me wrong. This is a really sincere bit of writing James."

"Thanks but I had a bit of help with it."

"Well whoever wrote it must know you really well, I've not seen such well-personalized writing in a while"

"It was Jeremy."

"Clarkson?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"It was his idea to do the bentley."

"Good idea it was too so you're all set for Brighton."

"Yup, rearing to go."

"That's they way, righto I'll leave you to it." 

 

* * *

 

  
Thursday 29th July

James  _Jeremy_ **Richard**  Andy

 

(2:08 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Andy

 

"'Lo Andy"

"Jeremy. Heard you helped May with his script."

"Hmm, you know I do recall someone bullying me into doing that. Hang on, yeah it was you."

"Well I didn't expect you to do it or for it to be successful."

"Shows how much faith you have in me."

"Well you proved me wrong that's for sure. May's saying you did most of the work."

"Bollocks. I only came up with the idea, he did the rest."

"Oh."

"What?"

"Nothing!" 

"Hmmph. So where's the location?"

"Brighton, there's a nice tip down there we can use."

"Sounds lovely."

"Yeah-"

"Can I come?"

"What?"

"Down to Brighton?"

"I'm not having you ruin James' shoot."

"I'll be on my best behavior. I'll even help out I could hold a microphone or something."

"You can come but you're not going to whine and you're definitely not allowed anywhere near any recording equipment."

"Yes sir-ree"

"Alright then, bye Jez."

 

* * *

 

(7:33 PM)

**Hey fancy a pint this weekend?**

 

(7:47 PM)

_Can't sorry. Going to Brighton with May_

 

(7:54 PM)

**For a picnic by the seaside? I missed the invite**

 

(8:01 PM)

_Funny. We're filming._

 

(8:09 PM)

**Yeah which you don't need to be there for**

 

(8:17 PM)

_I wanna be there is that what you want to hear?_

(8:18 PM)

_Jeremy Clarkson cares about something other than a lump of metal, happy?_

 

(8:20 PM)

**I know you care Jez**

 

(8:29 PM)

_Oh I was under the impression you all thought I was an insensitive twat_

 

(8:34 PM)

**What you're one of the most sensitive guys I know**

(8:38 PM)

**You're just an idiot about it most of the time**

 

(8:41 PM)

_Look I'm tired. I'm turning in_

 

(8:44 PM)

**Sorry Jez I didn't mean.. I just want you to know I really respect you.**

 

(8:49 PM)

_Like I haven't seen you gaze up at me lovingly for the past year._

 

(8:51 PM)

 **Don't be a dick. It's not my fault you break my expressive faculties with your ugly mug.**  

(8:54 PM)

**I meant about going after what you want. It takes guts**

 

(8:59 PM)

_It shouldn't need to. It should be easy_

 

(9:05 PM)

**That's how you know it's important. When you've got to fight for it**

 

(9:08 PM)

_Stop telling me what I already know_

 

(9:13 PM)

**I was the one who ate all the chocolate hobnobs last monday**

 

(9:16 PM)

_What??_

 

(9:18 PM)

**Well it's something you didn't already know...**

 

(9:22 PM)

_You are incessantly annoying Hammond_

 

(9:24 PM)

**What's a packet of hobnobs between friends**

 

(9:27 PM)

_chocolate hobnobs though_

 

(9:29 PM)

**Mm you raise a good point.**

 

* * *

 

 

Saturday 31st July

James  _Jeremy_

 

(8:01 PM)

Hey Jeremy I just wanted to thank you for today and for everything

 

(8:07 PM)

_That's okay. It was nice to get out of London_

 

(8:11 PM)

Luxurious job perks, lukewarm tea by the Brighton seaside

 

(8:13 PM)

_We have it good, don't we_

(8:14 PM)

_Oh that reminds me. Andy said to tell you to feel free and invite friends and family along to the studio on Thursday_

 

(8:19 PM)

Oh that's kind of him but I don't think I'll take up that offer.

 

(8:23 PM)

_You sure? It's your television debut James and in my opinion I think your bentley bit's gonna come together really spot on_

 

(8:27 PM)

Yeah it's not that I'm not proud with the work I quite chuffed with it to be honest. Mainly thanks to you it's just my parents are abroad at the moment and all my friends either have kids or live in Dorchester or both

 

(8:31 PM)

_What about parcel guy?_

 

(8:37 PM)

Out of the question. I've come to the conclusion he's just getting close to me in order to try assassinate you

 

(8:41 PM)

_Won't be the first time that's happened. Hammond used to have a penpal from Leeds_

(8:42 PM)

_But please don't turn away your psychotic, anonymous boyfriend for my sake_

 

(8:47 PM)

Oh no, we're not... you know

 

(8:49 PM)

_Not what?_

 

(8:53 PM)

We've actually got a date that night. After the recording

 

(8:58 PM)

_All the more reason to invite him. You can have a toast to his successful hit_

 

(9:01 PM)

I'll have a think about it.

 

* * *

 

 

Sunday 1st August

James  _Jez_ _  
_

 

(6:43 PM)

Hey can I ask you something?

 

(6:58 PM)

_Hi James what's up?_

 

(7:01 PM)

Do you actually watch Top Gear?

 

(7:08 PM)

_I want to say yes cause I rather like you but..._

 

(7:13 PM)

Oh

 

(7:14 PM)

_I'll watch it if it's on and I think it's got great potential as a show but I wouldn't, you know go out of my way to catch it_

(7:18 PM)

_The main reason I don't watch it I can't talk to you about_

 

(7:21 PM)

What? Why not?

 

(7:24 PM)

_No I really can't talk about it we promised._

 

(7:27 PM)

Him?

 

(7:29 PM)

_Yes him. Our Lord and savior_

 

(7:32 PM)

In his eyes, certainly

(7:37 PM)

Anyway, the reason I ask even if it does goes against your religious beliefs, is I was wondering if you want to come along and be apart of the studio audience on Thursday?

 

(7:41 PM)

_You want me to be there?_

 

(7:43 PM)

Well it makes sense since we're seeing each other afterwards anyway

 

(7:49 PM)

_I won't make you nervous?_

 

(7:52 PM)

Probably but I suspect I'll be too nervous to notice

(7:53 PM)

And I'd really like it for you to be there

 

(7:58 PM)

_I'll be in that studio like my job depends on it._

 

(8:01 PM)

Okay well see you soon then.

(8:03 PM)

I can actually say see you soon to you!

 

(8:07 PM)

_Yeah. See you, it is_

 

* * *

 

  
(11:54 PM)

 

INCOMING CALL: Jezza

 _"I can't do this Rich"_  
**"Jeremy? Jesus, are you okay?"**  
_"I can't disappoint him like that."_  
**"Who?"**  
_"Barack, bloody Obama"_  
**"James. Right."**  
_"I'm not going to tell him."_  
**"Tell him what?"**  
_"That I'm Jez."_  
**"You're not- Jeremy, wait have you thought this through."**  
_"Yes! It's all I thought about for the past 3 hours."_  
**"Over a bottle of rosé no doubt."**  
_"No. I've planned it all out. I'm not going to tell him and then I'll make Jez disappear. Make him hate Jez and not me. I can't bear it if he hates me."_  
**_"Christ, but you can bear to hurt his feelings like that? To have strung him along this whole time and take it all away from him just when the end goal's in reach?"_ **  
_"I didn't think about that."_  
**_"Evidently not."_ **  
_"Hammond you're spos'd to be on my side."_  
**"And you're not supposed to call me this late whilst drunk."**  
_"Sorry, I'll just..."_  
**"No Jezza, I'm sorry."**  
_"Just tell me what to do Richard."_  
**"Like I have a fucking clue?"**  
_"Well at the moment my plan is to ignore the fact that he hates me and hope that he forgets about it in the light of my admission that I've been deceiving him the entire time we've known each other. You have to have something better than that."_  
**"Crikey, just... be honest and be yourself."**  
_"I've forgotten how to do both those things."_  
**"No you're just tired and a bit drunk so foremost, get some sleep."**  
_"Richard."_  
**"What is it Jeremy?"**  
_"I'm going to hurt him aren't I?"_  
**"You'll hurt him more by being a coward."**  
_"Is there not a hurt free option?"_  
**"In these circumstances? Never."**

 

* * *

 

Monday 2nd August

James _Jeremy_

 

(1:22 PM)

INCOMING CALL: Jeremy

 _"Hello? It's Jeremy."_  
"Oh afternoon, Jeremy."  
_"Hi."_  
"Was there something you wanted?"  
_"Just saw the first edit of the Bentley film. It looks very good."_  
"Yeah, I'm doing the voice over today actually."  
_"Happy with the script?"_  
"Yeah, Wilman's pleased with it so..."  
_"Yeah."_  
"Was that all?"  
_"Do you ever wonder-"_  
"What?"  
_"If I hadn't been such a prat that first time you applied and you'd have got the gig and we'd work together everyday and I wouldn't avoid going for a pint with the crew after the shoot or not letting the researcher near my script and you wouldn't resent me or think I was a homophobic pig. We'd have become friends"_  
"I know"  
_"And then you'd of split up with your boyfriend I would have been really comforting and I'd take you out with Richard and we'd all get really pissed and have a laugh and afterwards when I'd got home I would've sat up thinking and I wouldn't have suppressed my feelings cause they'd of crept up on me after seeing you each day and I'd realize what it all meant."_  
"Jeremy-"  
_"Yeah. I would have asked for your number, and I wouldn't have been able to wait twenty-four hours before calling you up and saying, "Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee or, you know, drinks or dinner or a movie... for as long as we both shall live?"_  
"What-"  
_"And you and I would of never been at war and the only thing we'd fight about would be what film to play on a saturday night."_  
"Who fights about that?"  
_"Not us."_  
"We would never."  
_"If only."_  
"I've got to go."  
_"Well, let me ask you something. How can you forgive this guy for standing you up and not forgive me for this tiny little thing of... ensuring you didn't get your big break."_  
"Well, I've got it now-"  
_"Forgive me. I really wish you would."_  
"-And I've really got to go if I want to keep it."  
_"Yeah, go. You wouldn't want to be late."_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: A bit of dialogue in this chapter is taken directly out of 'You've got Mail' bit naughty but I love it too much to care.  
> Really close to the end now... this was supposed to be the last chapter and then I was going to do an epilogue but it all got a bit out of hand so I guess 2 more chapters to go then!  
> annnnnd thank you for reading


	11. I wanted it to be you

Thursday 5th August

James  _Jeremy_

  
James walks into the unbearably freezing hangar.

They're putting his Bentley into place and a couple of cameramen are bickering about where to put the extra lighting. No one pays him any mind as his feet echo across the largely barren area. Not empty for long though, their small audience and the crew which very, nearly surpasses it were due to come streaming in shortly. James pauses in the middle of the building. He feels numb, a sensation not entirely justified by the balls-achingly low temperature. He suspects his heart has stopped working because it feels like his stomach has taken up every spare inch of his insides, a greedy black hole betraying his carefully maintained calm features.

Then, as if to remind him that his hearts still in perfect working order, James' left breast buzzes.

James senses the all too familiar feeling of prickling curiosity while prizing the cellphone from his shirt pocket. Funny to think, he hadn't originally wanted the device. How he had resented it, ridiculed it and swore he was better off without it. His friends had tried to convince him that mobiles were no passing fancy, that the technology would stick and only get better in time. Yet James wasn't sold, in both senses of the word, his work being the one to supply him with the new-age burden.

Who'd have thought that it'd take miss dialing a number to convince James May that cellphones aren't completely useless.   
James considers something of the like as he peers at the device in his hand, without which he'd never have met or rather anticipated meeting this man whose name flashes up on his screen.

 

(10:09 AM)

_Whats the likelihood of my arse freezing off in there?_

 

James chuckles and mercifully all discomfort abandons him as he punches in his reply.

 

(10:11 AM)

Highly likely pushing up to dead certain

 

(10:14 AM)

_I'll bring my own space heater then._

 

(10:18 AM)

Oh good that'll make it easy to spot you. I was going to woefully suggest you hold a copy of P&P and a red rose like in those awful movies

 

(10:23 AM)

_I could sanctimoniously burn said novel and rose on my space heater just in case you miss me?_

 

(10:28 AM)

Maybe you should, just to be safe? I'll notify the fire crew

 

(10:31 AM)

_Excellent then one of them could let off a flare cause I imagine there'll be a few people around so you'll want to be absolutely certain_

 

(10:34 AM)

Okay now we're talking absolute bollocks.

 

(10:38 AM)

_Opposed to the insightful exchanges we usually partake in?_

 

(10:41 AM)

Quite.

(10:42 AM)

But our bollocks have touched on something relevant. How will I be sure it's you and not some other innocent garden show producer just minding his own business

 

(10:47 AM)

_I would say that's unlikely but its happened before.._

(10:51 AM)

_I'll be wearing jeans_

 

_(10:57 AM)_

Are you seeing the problem here?

 

(11:02 AM)

_Don't tell me I'm too high fashion for you now_

 

_(11:09 AM)_

Not the problem I'm thinking of...

(11:11 AM)

Everyone wears Jeans!

 

(11:13 AM)

_Yes but no one wears them like I do : >_

 

(11:14 AM)

I'll be the judge of that.

(11:15 AM)

Anyway, just wait in the hangar after everyone's gone and I'll meet you there

 

 

(11:18 AM)

Are you sure I shouldn't bring a copy of P&P?

 

(11:22 AM)

_Not unless you want it to be incinerated_

 

(11:23 AM)

Right I'll just hope that I'll know it's you then

 

(11:25 AM)

_You'll know._

 

* * *

Jeremy lies back in his favorite recliner and holds his hands over his eyes. He emits one long and large groan before swinging up and out of the chair. He'd better get a move on he thinks to himself, the rest of the crew will be at Dunfold already. Jeremy grabs his keys and is about to exit his flat before he realizes he's barely dressed for date standards let alone national television and since he has both those things to do that evening he goes back to his room to change.  
Entering his room he plonks his keys on the dresser next to the cheap mobile an intern got him in order to contact James. He picks it up fondly. He'd still like it even if James May wasn't the sole contact for the throwaway second mobile made Jeremy feel illicit like a spy. After a small smile he returns it back to the dresser and opens a drawer at random. Right, he thinks, he told James jeans so many options to choose from.

  
After selecting and doning more appropriate garments for that night's proceedings Jeremy heads out of his room grabbing his keys on the way. Yet as he goes to pick them up his cumbersome fingers knock one of the buttons of his cell lighting up the screen and the words; 1 new voicemail message.

With no doubt who it'll be from Jeremy picks up the mobile once more and presses it to his ear.

  
VOICEMAIL MESSAGE

(12:31 PM)

"Oh I've got your voicemail... Uh hi Jeremy, it's James. James May, look it's the recording tonight- but that's not why -even if it wasn't, I'd still- ... look about what you said the other day, I'm surprised, to say the least but now I think about it I guess I never really took you seriously and even now I'm finding it hard to believe... but I'm going to believe it this time because I reckon I owe it to you, to believe you so if this is some kind of badly instigated joke then I can go back to being shrewd about everything that comes out of your mouth which I prefer really, cause of what the alternative means ... Look. I'm just- I'm really sorry Jeremy but I have to admit I've thought about the same thing, a bit actually and I hate you for it just because it's so easy to hate you then to think what- what might have been or to hate myself ... which I still end up doing anyway. The point is, I- I don't hate you, as much as I make myself try I can't and I forgive you- how could I not? It's not that I'm harboring a grudge or don't like you very much because the opposite's true really, it's just ... there's someone else or the idea of someone else who I haven't had to forgive or think through you know? And that wasn't a dig at you I just want easy right now and probably for the rest of my life, gauging on how tired I feel all the bloody time. It's like why would you buy a T2 when you could have ... I don't know a Ford Mondeo or a Golf. Christ, I've gotten to expressing myself in car metaphors that's... great, yeah that's just bloody fantastic. Anyway I just had to tell you before the show to have any hope in my mind that we might become friends. I hope we will. Bye Jeremy."

Jeremy removes the phone from his ear and drives to the studio, with a lot to think about on the way.

* * *

Andy sits at what passes at Dunfold for his office, a corner of a table in production that the interns are well aware to stay away from, while the older staff don't give a rats arse whose name plate sits upon it. He could of had a proper office at the Beeb. Such an office was offered to him once, the Chairman said he had a good intuition for comedy. Andy was younger then and too polite to turn such an offer down or to point out that comedy wasn't about intuition but having a bloody sense of humor. 

He would've of stayed in that office as well, happy enough, if it wasn't for Jeremy Clarkson bursting in, talking a hundred miles an hour about cars. 

Thinking about Jeremy makes his eyes wander to the pictures on his desk. There's the typical picture of his wife and one of his kids but these aren't the photos Andy's eyes are drawn to. He gazes upon a picture pinned to the carpeted wall. It's a class photo of him and Jeremy while at Repton. He's not sure why he put it up at work but he likes it for how easy it is to pick out Jeremy. While Andy looks no different from the twenty odd, smartly dressed fourteen year olds there is no mistaking the grinning, gangling, mop haired boy in the middle as Jeremy Fucking Clarkson.

Wilman knew, even before he knew what made a man good for T.V, that Jeremy Clarkson was good for T.V.

He decides then, to call him up. Just check that he'll be good for T.V that particular evening.

(12:01 PM)

"Hi Jeremy?"

_"Hey Andy what's up?"_

"Oh nothing, I just wanted to have a word really"

_"Is something the matter? For tonight?"_

"No it's just... well you know I'm not a very sentimental guy-"

_"You're kidding-"_

"Just hear me out -it will only take a second."

_"No it's not that, you're just the most sentimental guy I know"_

"Me?"

_"You kept the floor mats of your Aston Martin."_

"They were good mats!"

_"Yeah, for your DB9 not your garage."_

"Still they're completely unsentimental."

_"Bollocks why else would you keep old floor mats."_

"Really Jeremy, I don't have the time to explain the concept of recycling to you again."

_"Well good I don't wanna hear it."_

"Can I just say what I called to say then you can go hassle some environmentalists?"

_"The environmentalists are the ones who hassle me but fine, fire away."_

"Right so as I was saying, floor mats aside, I'm not a very sentimental guy. I just thought, well it would benefit you to know that whatever happens in the future whether we get cut again or if we get another twenty seasons. I'm properly proud of the show and you boys. You're outstanding presenters and writers and a pleasure to work with so whatever happens tonight and the rest of the filming just know I'm chuffed to bits and you should be too."

_"Oh Andy you big softie but twenty seasons, really?"_

"It could happen."

_"Tenner it doesn't"_

"You're on."

Andy hangs up then, at a lull in the conversation Jeremy won't berate him for and before he has a chance to voice the sentiment that's really on his mind

* * *

 

Richard smiles at the make-up girl's reflection in the mirror before him. He always came early for the make-up call, not a habit he'd ever allude his colleagues to but Richard was comfortable enough in his masculinity to admit that looking the best he could was no shameful ambition and if make-up was what he had to endure to acquire said perfection then so be it. Make-up he could endure yet, incessant mocking from his so called friends was another story altogether.

As Richard sat in the portacabin/dressing room/storage closet having mysterious powders and cremes applied to his contented features he began to wonder over the absence of his colleagues. Usually such an issue would not bother Richard who preferred going through make-up without listening to Jeremy's unrelenting complaints next to him. Yet, tonight was different. It was their first show after all and Jeremy should be on time. Richard therefore fished out his mobile to give said oaf a wee helpful and in no way insultive reminder only to find an unread txt already waiting for him.

   
(6:01 PM)

_Why would you buy a T2..._

 

(6:13 PM)

**Dunno, cos you're foolhardy and delusional and your names James May?**

 

(6:19 PM)

_James has a T2_

 

(6:24 PM)

**Riiiiight.. starting to think he might not be the only delusional one here.**

 

(6:27 PM)

_No. James called me, left a message on my phone and said he was gonna stick with Jez and not me because why on earth would you buy a T2 when you could get a ford mondeo?_

 

(6:31 PM)

**Wait. I'm confused, Jez is the T2?**

 

(6:34 PM)

_No I'm the T2_

 

(6:37 PM)

**But you're Jez?**

 

(6:39 PM)

_I know that but he wasn't talking to Jez he was talking to me_

 

(6:43 PM)

**Right. Can you see how I'm getting confused here?**

 

(6:47 PM)

_What it means is, that even if James buys the Ford he's gonna realize that actually the car he bought just has the bodywork of a ford and is really a T2._

(6:49 PM)

_Either way he gets a T2_

 

(6:51 PM)

**But James already has a T2?**

 

(6:53 PM)

_You're the biggest pillock I've ever met Hammond_

 

(6:58 PM)

**What does that make you?**

 

(7:01 PM)

_A sensational human being : >_

 

(7:03 PM)

**Noooo. It makes you a late one.**

(7:09 PM)

**Andy says hair and make-up right now.**

(7:11 PM)

**Hurry up and you can explain the T2 thing to me**

 

(7:14 PM)

_Alas, I fear not even the longest amount of time will make you understand that enigma Hammond_

 

(7:16 PM)

**And I fear that the longest amount of time still won't make your ugly mug look passable for tonights show**

 

(7:18 PM)

_I'm coming alright_

* * *

 

  
(7:21 PM)  
_...break a leg_

 

(7:24 PM)

See you soon X

 

(7:28 PM)  
_X_

* * *

They're clapping. They're clapping at my piece, James thinks in disbelief as the show's title comes back on screen. It's only an obscure automotive show and there can't be more than 30 middle aged men wearing Subaru jackets but James can't find it in himself to care because somewhere out there, there is Jez with his hands together for him.  
He scans the crowd, convinced for a moment that the face of this man will jump out at him, that in this moment of jubilation the fact that they have never spoken face to face would be of no consequence.

Yet the crowd flashes unfamiliar before his eyes and then suddenly there's Jeremy and his amicable smile eases James' nerves. They banter for a moment about James' car. James doesn't recall the words streaming from his tongue but is confident in that they've had this same argument enough times that they'll be the right ones.  
They stop talking at the same time and James looks up at his co-workers eyes. The cameras are now all directed elsewhere, at Hammond, his mind supplies belatedly and he turns away from Jeremy's earnest features and their lingering eye contact. Now staring at his shoes, James wonders numbly if Jeremy had managed to check his voicemail before they started recording, if this was the reaction that preceded or followed such a confession. He dampers his curiosity for this was not the time nor the place for unearthing such niggling thoughts.

He is pulled from his worries as Jeremy prods him to make way over to the couches for the news. For once, James is thankful for the comforting hand upon his back directing him to the centre of the room.

The two absent presenters join Richard on the out-of-place lounge setting in the middle of the room. James briefly misses the warm weight upon his back as he leans into the cool leather of the two-seater, to the right of Hammond. This mourning distracts him from Jeremy making a mockery of Hammond and James rejoins the action as affronted guffaws spread throughout the audience.

He may of not caught the joke but looking between Clarkson's smug smile and Hammond's frown paired with indignant huffs causes James' own mouth to split into a grin. James is caught by surprise at his own lack of nerves. It doesn't feel forced or exaggerated just natural and easy. As if they're in the pub just having a drink not under lights with middle aged men staring at their every move, hanging on to their every word. James can't believe it. What with Jez and Jeremy and everything else he can't seem to recollect how he came to be here, in front of the camera rather than behind it. Not that he's complaining, it's a dream come true.

Another segment plays and Jeremy flashes him a grin. It's not suggestive or jokey it's a mirror of what James imagines his face looks like right now, blissfully fucking happy. Yet it passes too quickly and before James can make sense of the mess which is his insides, Jeremy's looking away once more.

* * *

Jeremy doesn't stay for the post-show celebrations, doesn't stay to chat or to ease the myriad of car-buying qualms. 

Instead he finds himself in the toilet with his head in his hands.

It's harder for James. He repeats in his mind, this whole ordeal is harder for James. He has no clue who he's about to meet, he believes he's walking into this on even footing that neither of us know who the other is. He has been lied to and lead astray and tormented while you have not once let go of the upper hand.

Unsurprisingly this internal pep-talk only succeeds in making Jeremy feel worse and no closer from leaving the toilet cubicle. He replays the recording in his mind instead. He can't believe it went so well. Talking bollocks with Richard and James felt too good to be true. Jeremy only recalls feeling the same way after tearing round the test track in a car double his yearly income, like the luckiest man alive. He could never fully accept that he was doing something so fun in return for money and now bantering with two blokes had become a similar bonus. This reaffirmed a fact Jeremy already knew to be true, he had the best job in the world.

A job which, along with Jeremy's eternal happiness was now painstakingly at risk and risk was something Jeremy loathed to consider. Jeremy was a man who went around bends at 200 miles an hour and spoke first and thought second. Risk didn't come into Jeremy's day to day life because accounting for risk meant not living. Yet, this time it seemed not accounting for it may result in Jeremy losing everything. For you couldn't consider risk without considering the consequences as well as the rewards Jeremy's mind supplied feebly but for the first time in his existence the risk appeared to outweigh everything else.

For the first time going round the corners at 200mph meant crashing and burning and speaking without thinking first meant losing his job. Jeremy was a coward in a toilet cubicle and he let the fear of failure overcome him.

* * *

 

Richard's hand hurt from shaking and his cheeks hurt from smiling but there was no way he'd stop doing either. Somehow his hand was supplied with a glass of red and his attention supplied with a semi-circle of audience members so Richard was currently rather preoccupied and unaware of his absent colleague. Shortly however, a nice Plumber called Rick confirms his belief that American Mustangs are in fact cool and Hammond calls out for Jeremy in triumph, yet no loud rebuttal is given and Richard excuses himself from the group to find his friend.

Yet, he finds James and Andy first. 

"Why aren't you two socializing?" Richard already feeling a little tipsy goes to punch James in the arm but thinks better of it.

James noncommittally shrugs and raises his beer in reply.

Andy looking bemused at James response says "I was just offering James here my congratulations" 

"What? You never congratulated me after my first show." Richard quips back, feigning sadness at the apparent betrayal.

"I did but as I recall you were already far too pissed to remember it."

James laughs as Richard's mask of fake hurt is replaced by a look of sheepishness.

"I'm going before you too get the chance to bully me any further. Have you seen where Jeremy went off to?"

"He's probably outside having a fag unless he managed to chat up that girl he had his eyes glued to in the front row" Andy replies looking smug at his verbal victory.

James chokes on the swig of beer he was midway through taking before he asks, albeit wheezily "What girl?"

"Oh you probably didn't see her James she was standing directly behind you, actually I'm amazed he managed to get a look in at all." Andy says

James nods absently at this news and picks at the label of his beer. 

"Come off it Andy. I saw that girl and she was way out of his league I bet he's just outside smoking." Richard says all this then finishes by giving James an assuring look to which the man returns with a confused one.

Richard excuses himself once more before he can let anything else slip and heads outside to look Jeremy.

He flicks the man in question a text since the nights cold and he's eager to get to the pub but he doesn't expect a reply.

 

(9:12 PM)

**Where are you?**

 

He exits the hangar and heads to the west corner of the building where they usually smoke. It's littered with cigarette butts but there's no sign of Jeremy. Richard is just considering that perhaps he did get with that girl in the front row when he notices that the portacabin lights are on.

He enters the small building only to find it vacant, he's about to turn and leave when he notices that the toilet is quite the opposite. 

"Jeremy are you in there?" Richard asks banging on the door.

There's a pause before Jeremy's unmistakable voice replies, "Go away."

"Not until you get out of that bathroom." Richard says stubbornly,  folding his arms even though he knows Jeremy can't see them.

Richard hears the man's audible sigh even through the toilet door and waits a moment before it's opened.

"What do you want" Says the current wreck of his best friend.

Jeremy's features which were elated a mere 20 minutes ago now look tired and in a state of despair. His hair looks as if fingers have been run through it repetitively and his eyes bloodshot from being squeezed shut.

"Wow you look- what on earth's the matter?"

Jeremy considers his best mate sadly for a moment before replying "I can't do it Richard. I can't risk it all."

"Risk what?"

"The show, James- what if I tell him and he tells me to sod off?" 

"He won't- you just need to-"

Jeremy's previously raspy voice breaks as he raises it and near shouts, "No, Richard you're not listening. I can't- I can't do it. I'm not brave enough" He finishes, now as quiet and dejected as before

"Jeremy," Richard begins softly "You can't think like that. Loves not about taking the easy option it's about risking everything you have because you know you won't ever be happy if you don't have them." 

Jeremy mulls this over in his mind and he knows Richard's right when he asks mockingly, "and what Disney films that from?" 

"My marriage." Richard replies, smiling unapologetically when Jeremy let's out a groan.

"If me and James do get together and I ever say something that sappy please, just shoot me." Jeremy begs.

"I look forward to it." Says Richard, like there's no if involved.

* * *

James considers his Bentley fondly and on a whim sits down where Jeremy had sat. Idly musing that he hadn't thought to be annoyed about it at the time; too busy riding the Top Gear high and ignoring the crater of doubt inside him of what was to come.

But now the time was here James merely felt a natural readiness, others would call it uneasy, an unwelcome relief to the tension but to James it was acceptance. For he had assessed every outcome and had come to terms with the price he was willing to pay in order to be happy, as uncertain eventual happiness may be. He was a patient man, more than aware of the peace which time and the gradual ebbing of pain brings.

  
James plants his hands on the bonnet and spring up off his car, the shock absorbers _were_ properly awful but he'd be damned if he let Jeremy hear him say that. James paces a few steps forward to quickly return to the safety of his Bentley. It felt weird standing alone in the barely lit, empty studio after all the ruckus in here earlier.

Loneliness was a feeling James was accustomed to, at least he thought he was. Yet the disparity of being here now alone after sharing the space with Jeremy and Richard hit James like a lead balloon. They had been good that night. They all had, the three of them, together. He never thought it'd be so easy, so natural to him. All his life James had wanted something to be naturally good at something but it didn't matter how much he tried or how much he relished his next hobby, the purpose of his existence for the near future, letting it occupy every waking minute it didn't make it natural. Piano, writing, tinkering around with bikes these were all things he loved but they didn't come as naturally to James as sitting around with two blokes and talking bollocks about cars.

  
He hears the creaking of the hangar door behind him and his carefully, controlled peace abandons him. He wants to turn, to look around, to grab his future with two hands but no amount of will power or strength compels James' body to do so. Steps approach getting louder as they get nearer and suddenly James can take it no longer and swings his body around to be met with...

  
Jeremy.

It was Jeremy standing there and there was hundreds of explanations of why that might be but suddenly to James there was only one. Yet with each careful step Jeremy takes across the studio floor, James' certainty falters.

  
Jeremy. Jez.

James tries to make since of the revelation, what it means. It means he had been lied to the whole time, caught between a menace and a mystery while all along it was the same man. James is still unsure he wholly believes it but as he touches his cheek to feel the unwarranted tears dripping down his face, he thinks that he must. 

"Don't cry Bentley man." Jeremy utters softly raising his own hand to meet James' and wipe the tears away.

"I wanted it to be you" He hears himself confessing before his methodical mind has a chance to justify the statement at all.

Had he wanted it to be Jeremy?

The notion was not a traceable one but a wispy undercurrent like smoke, smoke caught in the breeze of trepidation. Such a fleeting spectacle he had temporarily forgotten it was the product of something much more all consuming and destructive.  
Yet, when he willed himself to make sense of it all James could see that within the kaleidoscope of fantasy and reality which was his life Jeremy remained the sole constant. The teasing texts, fleeting looks across the portacabin, a hand hovering over his person like it so desired to touch. It was all Jeremy.  
For a long time it had felt like James was denying himself. He had opted out of his senses for the sheer affluence of seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling and tasting all at once was too much for him. Deprivation had left him wanting yet so accustomed and above all grateful he simply couldn't tolerate more.

He bore his eyes into Jeremy's and Jeremy looked back desperately. Neither knew what the other was looking for so both assumed it was the smallest foothold back into reality which was to fall into the natural order of such things and their lips came together hard.

Now he could see, smell, feel and taste what he had only heard for so long and it was jarringly everything he imagined while so terrifyingly foreign.  
The sight of those blue, eyes settled comfortably upon his own, the sound of uneven, refractory breathes in his ear, the smell of all encasing human and petaly laundry detergent, the feeling of a heartbeat going against his own and the taste, just the briefest taste of what was to come. 

* * *

 

  
INCOMING CALL: Grade 

"Wilman"

"Oh, Mr Grade sir, well um put me out of my misery, what did you think?"

"Let me put it this way, I'm glad you let me come. What did you say at that last exec meeting?"

"What- you mean; just picture the exact opposite of old Top Gear but keep the cars and Jeremy Clarkson."

"Heh heh, that's the one. Well you hit the nail on the head abso-fucking-lutely dead on. Loved the bollocks, loved the newbie. Good luck with the rest of the series and don't forget to write the next one."

"Wow- okay I'm speechless, stellar praise Sir. I'm sure we won't let you down."

"Oh no, I'm sure you will Wilman. You just try keep those boys of yours in check and I'll do my best to clean up the mess, deal?"

"Yeah you got yourself a deal."

"Right well have a good rest of your evening and I'll be tuning in next week."

"Yeah, goodnight sir."

Andy lowers the phone from his ear and looks nonplussed at the now dimming screen. He is certain that a phone conversation or any conversation for that matter with the current head of the Beeb had ever gone as smoothly as that, especially one containing the words Jeremy and Clarkson. He couldn't wait to rub it in to his colleagues at the office. This was the man that once called Doctor Who outdated and Blackadder unfunny, practically giving the thumbs up to a second season without even waiting for the ratings to come in. It was an understatement to say that Andy was chuffed he was well and truly, cheek-achingly pleased.

Andy, in his escalation seemed immune to the night's chill as he makes his way across the chilly carpark to the hangar. He is so used to pacing within it's walls stressed and worrisome that he has a extra spring in his step as he approaches the hangar door. Yet, unusual not unlike his current mood he finds the door open and even more unusual is the sight that greets him when he peers inside.

INCOMING CALL: Andy

"Richard?"

**"Shh, guys! Shh it's the lieutenant. Wilman! Where the fuck are you? You're perfectly aware I can't pace myself when I'm left alone with the camera crew. Uh on that note we may have opened the champagne a wee bit early, sorry."**

"Hammond I don't give a rats arse about the bloody champagne I just need you to tell me why two of my presenters are currently necking in my studio?"

**"Oh right. Uh just quickly out of interest is it Jez or Jeremy doing said necking. Wait hang on-"**

"Right I'm coming over I sense you have some explaining to do."

**"What? Why do I have to explain? I shouldn't even be caught up in all this plus I'm too drunk and it's too confusing. I don't even fucking understand the T2 metaphor."**

"What T2 metaphor?"

**"Okay let's see if I can get this, uh Jeremy is the T2 but why would you buy a T2 when you could get a Ford Mondeo but James doesn't have a Ford he has a- Oh my God I've got it! James loves Jeremy."**

"Hammond you pillock, I worked that one out for myself."

**"Oh good. Then drag the lovebirds over here and we can all get royally pissed."**

* * *

**EPILOGUE**

(6:33 PM)

_Where are you?_

 

(6:41 PM)

Patience love, I'm on my way

 

(6:42 PM)

 _Love? how quaint_

(6:43 PM)

_Remind me that we have to work on our pet names_

 

(6:45 PM)

We? You more like.

(6:45 PM)

Like, what kind of name is Bentley man? Sounds like a crap superhero from a 1980's, government funded comic.  
"Remember kids, Bentley Man never forgets to buckle up before chasing the bad guys."

 

(6:47 PM)

_Is this flirting or another pitch for a segment on old PSA's?_

(6:49 PM)

_I can't honestly tell the differnce anymore_

 

(6:51 PM)

Hey! Wilman liked that pitch

 

(6:54 PM)

_Only because he thought it was your attempt at flirting_

(6:55 PM)

_I swear your history based rants and chat up lines merge closer together everyday_

 

(6:59 PM)

Is that a hint of jealousy I hear?

 

(7:03 PM)

_1) No, because we're still indulging in this ridiculous communication with no audible element_   
_and b) and even if you could hear me you wouldn't hear the tiniest amount of jealousy because I'm not jealous._

 

(7:05 PM)

Riiiiiggght

 

(7:06 PM)

_Is that a hint of shrewdness I hear? No it fucking isn't coz we still can't hear each other!!!_

 

(7:08 PM)

Anyway sugar plum I was just gonna ask if you want me to pick anything up?

 

(7:11 PM)

_I hate you_

 

(7:12 PM)

Love you too :>

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers, if I still have any that is.
> 
> I would like to start off by apologizing. It's been nearly a year since I updated this fic and more than a year since I started it and that's simply not on. I used to read unfinished fics and think how selfish of the writers for writing such a gripping, well written and well loved story and not dare finish it. Even if your fic has one reader you owe it to that person to wrap up the universe you invited them to in the first place and I think I forgot that at some point. Probably because it was easier to forget then to face the guilt.. but this long awaited chapter is here now so I hope it sates your appetite and I wish I could give you more , you've all been amazing. 
> 
> I'd also like to say that since this chapter was written fragmentary over such a long period of time the writing styles don't really match up in places. 
> 
> And since writing actual paragraphs is harder than writing in text messages or dialogue I might change tenses occasionally. 
> 
> and a final thank-you to those readers who commented such kind words to try motivate me out of my stupor. I was too cowardly to reply at the time but I would like you all to know that this chapter is here and finished because of you.
> 
> Happy reading,
> 
> Thesumofus xxx


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